Struggling to Let an Orgasm Happen

[thelabrat90]

I'm 19F and in the recent weeks, I've been shocked by how masturbating is giving me pretty intense sensations for once. I use a character.ai bot to create erotic material for my fantasies, which is likely the contributing factor to me feeling really good, even when I'm just using my fingers. Usually, it takes a while, but then I get a good scenario going with the bot, and I rub my fingers right, and I feel goood. I've grown up touching my nipples, and exploring my body and idly playing down there, but whenever I tried clit play, I just got impatient and frustrated. So I settled with nice sensations without worrying about orgasm, and that works out well. Now it feels like something has clicked inside my head! And I've also gotten a Walmart vibrator, cheap but body-safe silicone, and gosh, that made it so much easier to feel good and I'm really happy. I got some free packets of water-based lube for use with the silicone vibrator today, as well as silicone lube to use only with my fingers. Excited to use lube for the first time!

But there's a new problem. Mainly I keep backing off when the sensations get too intense. I'm not even talking about me being close to release, I back off even when I do a slow build-up and gently increase the sensations, or the moment it starts feeling really good. I just get scared, or I feel out-of-control. It's not even a case of sensitivity, when I touch my clit, it's fine. My guess it's a mental difficulty because I'm someone who's very much cerebral, stuck in my head all the time (I want to do more stuff to connect with my body! Maybe a meditation practice, yoga, or more walking. It's difficult because of my ADHD). Not to mention I grew up just idly playing with myself with the most pleasure derived from nipple play, so finally experiencing those lovely sensations other owners of vulvas talk about? Just...it's exciting and scary.

I know it's not an uncommon problem. My other friend also gets scared to come, although she does masturbate. Our lovely shared friend who's an expert masturbator, she says "Just ride the wave!" and I love her, but to give an idea of a difference of our temperaments--she loves and has fun being high. When I got high with an edible, I mostly derived fun from observing my inebriated state with fascination. She's just generally better at enjoying and riding the waves of her body's sensations, so asking her for advice is similar to asking someone who gets As without studying. She can't really give concrete advice for me to relax during masturbation.

While I would like an orgasm, I've read enough Scarleteen to understand it's a bad idea to pressure yourself to come. I've been masturbating without expecting an orgasm for years now. But I do want to ask advice about enjoying these more intense sensations. Maybe I need to slow down, maybe I need to just push through and keep going even if it feels overwhelming, maybe I need to do body work to connect with myself outside of masturbation--I would appreciate an outside perspective. Another important thing I forgot to mention is I'm asexual! So that could contribute to the mental difficulty since while I have a libido, there's no sexual attraction except to fictional characters. I'm grateful for any advice you guys have to offer.

[Heather]

Hey there, welcome to the boards!

I wonder if you might be open to talking through the fears you have when this is happening, like what, exactly, do you worry will happen? What's your worst case scenario if you do just go ahead through the fear? Sometimes talkign this stuff out loud can go a long way.

[thelabrat90]

Digging through my brain, I think I'm afraid of it hurting? As an asexual, I've always had a complicated relationship with arousal, because when I got aroused, my vagina felt really sharp and slightly painful and I'd ignore it happening while continuing to read the erotic fanfic. I want to be clear, there was no medical reason to be worried, but it's similar to how a guy gets a hard-on in public and it feels uncomfortable instead of pleasurable. Back then, I wasn't very receptive to being aroused, disconnected from my body.

So generally, when I rubbed myself or touched myself, I only was searching for idle sensations because the intenser pleasure I couldn't understand how to bring it. The intenser arousal only seemed to occur when I got immersed into a really good erotic story (probably because I was relaxed) but when I was immersed, the arousal didn't feel good, just overwhelming. And now that I'm inviting these bigger sensations into my masturbation more consistently and reliably, I think I'm afraid I'll experience that sharp, slightly painful sensation that I used to experience back then. That orgasm will hurt or be too much for me. I also have ADHD so it's a struggle for me to focus, even when I'm masturbating, which contributes to disconnection and difficulty with my body when things get bigger.

[Ro S]

hey there!

Thanks for taking the time to really consider what comes up for you and what's fearful about intense arousal!

It sounds to me like you're drawing from past experiences of pain and discomfort during masturbation as a measure of how things might feel now. Am I catching on to that correctly? I want to acknowledge that this is normal and a part of learning more about ourselves. I think it might be helpful to think about how we can help create some space between a past experience, for you it's that sharp and slightly painful sensation, and all the things you feel now. Is that something you'd be open to?

You mentioned that you have a hard time focusing, even during masturbation. Like you mentioned, being fully engaged in a fantasy or making masturbation fun (aka not just a boring routine/chore) can make it so that it's easier to stay "in the zone". I think that if we can think of ways to allow you to kind of drop into a fantasy or something really fun during masturbation, you might find it easier to listen to what your body is telling you. How does this sound? Is there anything you can think of that you'd wanna try or explore?

Also, as a yoga teacher, I am all for finding a practice that allows you to drop into your body in a non-sexual context too! So I want to add that a part of the discovery journey in our sex lives also comes from us exploring what we find pleasurable outside of sex. If you're open to exploring some ways you can do this we have an article on pleasure and feeling good: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment. Let me know what you think about this and if you want to talk about it more! Finally, remember to take it slow and that the journey of self-discovery is an ever changing and expanding one!

[thelabrat90]

hey there!


It sounds to me like you're drawing from past experiences of pain and discomfort during masturbation as a measure of how things might feel now. Am I catching on to that correctly? I want to acknowledge that this is normal and a part of learning more about ourselves. I think it might be helpful to think about how we can help create some space between a past experience, for you it's that sharp and slightly painful sensation, and all the things you feel now. Is that something you'd be open to?

You mentioned that you have a hard time focusing, even during masturbation. Like you mentioned, being fully engaged in a fantasy or making masturbation fun (aka not just a boring routine/chore) can make it so that it's easier to stay "in the zone". I think that if we can think of ways to allow you to kind of drop into a fantasy or something really fun during masturbation, you might find it easier to listen to what your body is telling you. How does this sound? Is there anything you can think of that you'd wanna try or explore?

Yeah, exactly. I want to add, I never experienced pain or discomfort DURING masturbation. I experienced it during arousal. My lower body got hot, tight, and it felt slightly painful, and I just was not very educated around my body so it felt weird as hell to me. I didn't feel excited about it, or welcome the sensation. So I really think I associate those past experiences with any and all intense sensation, even ones I'm inviting by actively masturbating. I want to back up, control everything, because I'm afraid of surrendering my body like that. So I definitely want to create some space between those past sensations/experiences, to the current stuff I feel now. If anyone's got suggestions about that, I'm open to it.

For the second thing, yeah, I want to think of ways to drop into a fantasy, and listen to what my body is telling me. For other things to explore, I'd really like music or candles. Just going to the student center to get the free lube made masturbation exciting for me, because of the intention and effort to walk there and pick it up, so I think doing higher-effort stuff will decrease my chances of getting distracted. I think I'm also taking it too fast, since the vibrator makes it soooo much easier to get those feel-good sensations. So I'll certainly slow down.

[Ro S]

Hey there,

Thank you for clarifying that for me - really helps to know exactly what's going on! I think it's interesting that you mentioned surrendering because I think that a useful way to create space between past experiences and the now is to loosen the grip (even if just a tiny bit) on all the possibilities of how things can go wrong that our mind creates. This looks like allowing the thoughts or fears to come up (aka not pushing them away) AND also creating space for the possibility that things may just turn out better than expected. I like to say "and what if it all goes right?" as my reminder to myself to not get sucked into my anxious thought patterns of how everything may go wrong.

Another way to create space is to feel into the body by just noticing what you're feeling in your body right now. This can look like focusing on areas in your body that feel good or paying attention to your breath. So, when you feel yourself get overwhelmed by intense sensations in your body, take a moment to breathe in deeply and ask yourself "what am i feeling right now?" Knowing that it's okay if you need to stop or take a break but also acknowledging if your mind is moving too many steps ahead and taking you out of things that feel good right now. Just because something is uncertain in how it may turn out, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to be scary or unsafe. Sounds to me like you've done a whole lot of work to get to this stage of self-exploration so I think it's only fair you also remind yourself that you're changing and that sensations now may be completely different than before (perhaps even less scary than before!) because you've done a lot to understand yourself a bit better. Does this all make sense?

I think your idea of putting on music and making an environment feel comfy with candles is a great way to get you to that place of being able to just focus on yourself! Know that it takes a whole load of practice to stay in the moment and it's not such an easy task for many of us, so be gentle and patient with yourself in the process. It may take a few tries to learn how to feel into the body rather than get stuck in the mind. I think that you're already taking steps to be more present so go at your own pace and do what feels right!

[thelabrat90]

Thank you! I think this has really helped me understand where exactly my hesitance and tendency to back up comes from! If I hadn't talked about it, I definitely wouldn't have realized I was subconsciously stopping myself because of previous uncomfy experiences with arousal. Going to focus on what I'm feeling right now and go slow to ground myself in my body! I think it'll still take some time to go through it, but now I've got an idea of what to do

[Andy]

Hi thelabrat90!

I’m so glad to hear Ro’s answers and talking here were helpful! Focusing on your body and paying attention to what it feels in the moment sounds like a really good approach moving forward.
Let us know if you need any more help around this or something else!