I lost my virginity to my guy coworker, unsure of who I am now?

[Taylor89]

(I just turned 20 and he is 24). We went to a bar to say goodbye. As the night went on, I ended up having a few shots, and then he offered some of his beer he couldn’t finish. I’m usually quiet and considered a conscientious person. This was my first time getting drunk. I stayed for a while to let the buzz wear off since he asked me for a ride home. In the car, we talked a bit before he asked me to come closer and we ended up making out. Things escalated, and we eventually went to an empty parking lot and made out again in the back of my car. He asked if I was a virgin. Then asked if I was okay with this, I nodded so he started taking my clothes off. We touched everywhere, I gave him head, we 69d and did everything in the book. It’s not that it didn’t feel like anything, but it was neither bad nor intensely good. It was a neutral feeling. What I remember that struck me, even if it was just drunk talk, was him saying I deserved to be touched, that I was beautiful, and holding my hand. I didn’t cum and it was hard for me to get wet. But I would say that the part I enjoyed most was touching his chest with my lips and hands and talking. I kept calling him sexy and attractive and saying his name. It made him smile, so I kept repeating it. I do believe he is really attractive. But that was never a recurring thought in my mind until that moment. When he placed it in. It was painful. But I didn't say anything; instead, I let him keep going. He said I was wet so maybe I did enjoy it more than I realized. We only stopped when a cop came and I drove him home. He asked if I would do this again before he left and I said yeah and we kissed one last time.

I don’t fully regret it. But it feels vastly out of character for me. I’m a romantic, I’ve always wanted to make love and be worshipped like a poem but this was different; I was casually fucked knowing it would be a temporary connection. It perplexes me since I've had multiple guys in the last few months want to have sex/make advances on me, but I've always refused and felt immediately repulsed, even if they were conventionally hot. My guy friend, who I knew for years, kissed me without warning, made a move, and asked to date me. I was revolted by him, despite trying everything I could to like him. My coworker, Aiden, is a guy that's not made me feel pressured or scrutinized. He's easygoing and someone I always felt safe around. I never had a crush on him. And it was definitely a spur-of-the-moment thing. But I've had very bad experiences with men in the past from my dad to guy friends, so feeling safe with Aiden was refreshing. Even though I don't love him, I appreciate the experience and how he made me feel. He gave me comfort which I really needed because I've been feeling sad and lonely lately.

For background, I know I like women. I'm romantic and sexually attracted to them. I came out when I was 15, I was dating my best friend I had known since I was 8, and she was my first love. She broke up with me in April. When we were together, we didn't get very physical. We kissed a few times and made out once. I respected her boundaries because of her past, but in the last two years, all affection stopped. Saying "I love you" was uncomfortable for her, she pushed me away if I tried to hold her hand, and we never kissed again. She often talked about guys and had many male friends she spent a lot of time with, but I trusted her completely. Then she started getting close to a girl at work, calling her a work wife, and they became best friends instantly. They spent a lot of time together, had sleepovers, and did things that she never did with me. While she was closed off with me, she opened up to this girl about her past traumas, and I felt like I couldn't compete with the deep emotional connection they had. After my relationship ended, my parents had a hard time understanding. They at one point said that I had been manipulated and that it wasn't my choice to have feelings for her. So work and my coworkers became an important outlet for me to escape and have a sense of connection with others, especially since college has been very isolating. I've struggled with anxiety and feelings of inadequacy all my life. Even though I'm accustomed to being independent, I still have moments where I feel like severely spiraling. And though family and coworkers think I have a vibrant social life, my actual social circle is invisible. My only remaining best friend lives abroad and I can’t talk to her often.

To go back to what happened with Aiden. The next day I had to go to CVS and buy Plan B. I was feeling small and disgusting at this point. I was in shock too and very sore. I knew our interaction was a one time thing that it would always have a finality. But I was overcome with feeling like he regretted it or was embarrassed of me. I started crying for the first time in months on all that happened: my ex, my life, Aiden, etc. We only ever strictly talked at work but it was eating away at me so I texted him an apology. He responded to my text, reassuring me that he had a great time and hoping I did too. His reply eased some of my worries, and I felt positive about the thought of trying it again, mainly to touch his hair, face, and arms (is that sexual attraction?). However, at the same time, I think it's better that it was a one-time thing and left on that note. I find myself getting flashbacks, some of it makes me hot, and some of it makes me very embarrassed. I just know I don’t feel inclined to try it with any other man. If he is the only man I’ve ever had sex with, that's fine by me. I still don’t know what it all means, I thought lesbians don’t have any desire to experiment. I question if I'm just struggling with the aftermath of the situation, if I'm just not sure how to process it since it was my first, or if I might be bisexual even though I'm normally disgusted by the thought of being intimate with other men and their bodies. I know I don’t like him romantically, I’m aware he’s talking and hooking up with other women, that doesn’t bother me and I’m not jealous. It's a non pressuring fact that we both aren’t obligated to each other and can go as we please .

Still I’m experiencing a multitude of emotions over what happened. It fluctuates so intensely. Sometimes I feel at ease, it means something without meaning too much. It was fun, awkward, sweet and he is a good guy. Not a stranger but not a lover. While simultaneously, I feel these underlying feelings I’ve tried to push away: sad, flawed, dirty and as if I’ve done something wrong. I feel like no matter what I am, my future partner will judge me and I’ll always be hiding a part of myself. I do judge myself for this. I feel like I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I was so reckless because I’m not a casual girl. I feel lost and like all the progress I made is out the window. I need advice, I don’t really know what any of this makes me. Am I just coping with life badly, young and exploring, having an identity crisis. I don't know how to feel or what to even do.