TW (R@pe, SA, COCSA) I was assaulted dont know how to move forward.

[anonlesbian]

JUST TO BE CLEAR I HAVE BROKEN UP WITH THIS PERSON! unfortunately they are still around me and because school and similar friends groups (i am a lesbian and my ex is a lesbian who is Mtf)
So a little context and check my one other post I have i was assaulted by the person i was dating when i wrote that post. Because of things mentioned in said post about me being shamed for having sex (consensually) I kinda stopped feeling comfortable with it for awhile. During that period of time my ex would try to pressure me into having sex. i sometimes would say okay othertimes they’d forcibly take my clothes off or try to touch me through my clothes after me saying no, and after that they’d be like well i touched you in that way the least i can get is a handjob or something. They in many ways are stronger than me so i cannot physically fight back and i did try. They only would stop and only for like a week when i told them it was assault. I had to have that conversation with them at least 4 times before i finally broke up with them. I feel incredibly stupid for not realizing how bad it was at the time. When i broke up they admitted to while i was taking my after school nap and i thought they were doing homework they raped me in my sleep. They have also tried to play the victim with me. When i told them i wanted to breakup i got sent a string of messanges “ hey
im really sorry
im not trying to act victim
i dont know how to show you i care
and i wont fuckin off myself if you break up with me
ill just be real sad
i dont wanna. break up
u would also prob be sad
ure in a pickle urself
not trying to be a bitch
i just set unrealistic shit for myselr
and then went with the idea of that
and when i slap you you i dont mean it
and i feel bad ok
im not playing the victim im judt sorry and i really dont mnow how to express feelings
today i was just trying to cope with myself too
i fucked up ur life so much
cant express being sorry without being an ass either
and i hate my hormones making me horny as fuck all the time”

which hands down is a horrible apology. and after all this they kinda manipulated me into staying friends.
and then later texted “ also like if you tell them everything im like prob fucked and if you want that do it” and then immediately sent me softcore porn.
Ive told a couple friends whats happened and they are trying to distance themselves from my ex some friends know vaguely. I have a meeting with my therapist soon i havent had time bc of school to talk to them and finally got an appointment. I also dont know how public i guess i want to go with it. obviously they are an abuser, im their first and only victim so far. They “plan” on improving but by being around them they are just as careless about violent mannerisms. On one hand i really dont want law enforcement involved bc thats scary. On the other im their first and only victim uh in some ways i feel like i should make it known this person isnt safe. Oh and i still do not have the strength to tell them to fuck off and i dont wanna talk to them anymore. I’ve been giving them the cold shoulder at school and they keep randomly trying various things i like in my hobbys after we broke up and trying to talk to me about it and i want to die inside when they talk abt these things. Because on the surface GREAT PERSON VERY NICE CHARMISMA. But when you know you want it to end asap.

Still kicking myself about this. Any advice about how to go forward and like whether or not i should kinda call them out would be greatly appreciated!

[KierC]

Hi there Anonlesbian,

I am so sorry to hear that your ex chose to assault you. I want to reassure you, first, that you’re not stupid for not getting out sooner or realizing how bad it was — it can be so difficult to see the bigger picture of power and control, and repeated boundary pushing, when you’re being directly manipulated and hurt by it. It’s part of what makes some forms of abuse so insidious. Too, it sounds like you’ve seen your ex take on that “charismatic charming” persona, which can disguise abusive behavior. All that to say, it’s important that you saw through that persona and broke up with them, but it sounds like your ex still being around you is causing some pain and worry.

I have a couple of ideas that may be helpful to consider when thinking about what healing looks like for you. Taking this list at your own pace, let’s have you go through it and see if anything sounds like something you’d want to do. It’s perfectly okay to look at this list and think for a bit, too — you can take this at whatever pace feels comfortable for you. How does that sound?

1. It sounds like you’ve got a supportive friend group who can help you navigate healing. What would it look like for you to lean into their support a bit more, perhaps talking to them about what happened? Perhaps one friend could be the one to set boundaries and tell your ex not to contact you?
2. If you’re in a class with your ex, you could talk to the teacher and explain that you’d like to switch sections of your class, and that you don’t want to disclose the reason.
3. Starting with a therapist is a wonderful idea — it’s a confidential space for you to continue to identify any needs for healing, and get those needs met as well. I’m so glad you’re taking the time to prioritize therapy, and if it gets hard to do so, we are here to help figure it out!
4. In situations like this, it can be really helpful to have an adult on your side who knows you and gets it. If your parents are still on the judgmental side about these things, it could be a teacher or your therapist. And we can certainly talk to you a bit more about what adult could be the support person for you. On that note, and getting into the realm of report-ey things, if you do end up wanting to report them to an adult like a teacher, police *may* become involved. This is just to give you some form of expectations if you do want to take that route at any point. But, again, this is all your choice, and you can take whichever of these steps you want, discard which ones you want, and take it all at your own pace.

When you’re feeling ready: how are you feeling about those options? Do any sound like good small steps you’d like to take at some point?