i'm having a crisis

[fresariver]

So I've been talking to this guy for about a month and we're dating right now but not officially boyfriend and girlfriend. The problem is I have a sexuality crisis every other day of the week and when we hung out last night I had another one. I just have absolutely no clue if I'm lesbian or not. He's sweet and funny and super nice and whenever I think about him I get butterflies but whenever we hang out I just feel nothing. We went to the movies last night and (he's clingy and it's kinda cute) we were holding hands like usual and he had his head in my shoulder and was hugging my arm and I think I was supposed to feel like warm and nice but I felt absolutely nothing at the moment. If I'm honest the only thing I felt was a little embarrassment because there's cameras in the movie rooms and the thought of security or something seeing us just made me cringe really badly. After the movie we just sat in his car and talked and like messed around but I don't know, I really didn't feel like butterflies or anything, it felt like when a friend holds your hand, you don't really care for it, you know? And what makes it more confusing is that whenever I'm alone in my room and I think about, for example, kissing him, I get excited and like giddy but last night whenever our faces were even an inch too close, I would move my head somewhere else in case he tried to kiss me or something. I don't know if I was just nervous or what but I know I was actively avoiding it.

Even worse though is that if I did come to the conclusion that I am lesbian, I have no clue how I would go about ending things. He's made it VERY clear he takes us serious and my parents already made plans to meet him next saturday and we're in the process of me meeting his parents after he meets mine. He's also like in a dark spot and I'm one of his only sources of support aside from his parents because he's scared of opening up. Doing all of that and then ending things is just completely shitty and i KNOW it would break his heart and hurt him so much more from what he's struggling with right now.

I just have no clue what to do

[KierC]

Hey there Fresariver,

Ah, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with what to do with your relationship with him! It sounds like you’re struggling with this difference between how you feel about him in your mind, and then how you actually feel when he’s right there with you. Like having butterflies and feeling giddy when you *think* about him, but then feeling nothing in person. I have a few ideas about where that could be coming from, but ultimately you’re the expert on yourself, so we can just see if any of this sounds right to you. How does that sound?

Sometimes, we can build up a partnership or romance to be this Pedestalized, Amazing Thing in our heads, and when it happens in person we can feel a bit underwhelmed. In person, when we’re up next to real people with real bodies, things can feel a bit different! So, I don’t think this necessarily or immediately means that you don’t like him… *however* what’s more important here is how you feel about it. So, if you’re feeling physically avoidant, that’s something to listen to. With that in mind, would you say you want to be with him still? Where are you leaning currently?

It sounds like you’re worried about what would happen if you broke up, too. You know, if you truly don’t want to be dating this person, it’s kindest to both of you to be honest about it. You don’t need to spare his emotions on this one, especially if you’re feeling like you don’t want to be in this relationship. I know it can be awkward when social events are coming up like meeting the parents, but it’s really okay to say “Hey, I know we have this planned, but this isn’t working for me” or some form of that.

Also to note: You don’t have to make any decisions right now if you don’t want to. It sounds like you have a week or so to rest on this before the parent meeting, so whenever you’re feeling ready we can talk more about what to do.

[fresariver]

Hello!

I really don't know if I want to be with him. He really does make me happy and like I've said before he's really nice but i don't feel anything when I'm with him. I know I like girls, and whenever I like them I get butterflies when they even breathe near me. It's completely different from him, I really don't feel anything from just being with him. Sure, I'm happy to see him but no butterflies or stars and rainbows and stuff like when I like girls. Even more is when I think about leaving him and being with angirl or just being single, it feels like such a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. There's also been moments where I see a cute girl and then I remember about him and it's like "oh, mevermind I forgot about him." It's just so confusing. What I'm most worried about though is my parents because they don't know I'm even gay to begin with so if i broke thungs off with him I wouldn't know what to tell them.

[KierC]

Those details are super helpful, thank you for your reply!

So, it sounds like you’re having this realization that you may be more into exploring girls right now than guys. Your realization that not being in a relationship with him feels like a weight lifting off your shoulders is so important for you to listen to as well. Sometimes, we tell ourselves what we want and need before we can actually hear it, and it sounds like you’re starting to hear yourself saying that you don’t really feel much in the relationship. It’s okay to feel this way, and it’s a good thing that you’re hearing yourself. I want to say too, it’s also okay to experiment with girls and realize that you want to explore things with guys more as well at some point: who we’re attracted to isn’t set in stone for our whole lives, and it’s okay if these feelings continue to evolve.

With your parents, you know, I think especially because you’re still in school and exploring dating and relationships, it’s reasonable to break up without there being anything glaringly wrong. What I mean is, you could end the romantic relationship with him and talk with your parents about it in a way that is comfortable for you without coming out to them, if you don’t want to come out yet. This could look like telling them you see him more as a friend, or that you just don’t have a crush on him anymore. Does that sound like something you’d like to do?