Is what I did to my girlfriend sexual assualt?

[theman123]

Hello! Its been tough because I don't know how I'll live with myself. I'll give a brief timeline

We are both in college and we started dating this year in April. We became official a week before school ended, in the first week of may.

Apparently she said that I was getting touchy in that last week and that I was moving fast. I didn't know it at the time but these things made her feel uncomfortable. I'll list every incident down:

One time we were in the car. I had my arm around her shoulder, and because I was stupid I thought that the best way to make a move to get to second base was to put my hand on her right boob and fondle it. After a bit she moved my hand away.

Another time we were cuddling at a lake. I didn't know it at the time, but I put my hand on her thigh but she later told me that is was in a "turn on" spot and that she felt uncomfortable.

The last time, we were kissing and I had apparently put my hand on her stomach. I dont remember this one, but later she told me that after she moved my hands away, I put them back.

I did something to upset her at the start of this school year, which led to us being in a difficult spot for almost 2 months now. She was processing for 3 weeks after and cold texting me, but after that she wanted to talk about everything.

Now before we were having these talks, I had no idea that the things above were bothering her, apart from the thing I did to upset her. Whenever I said she "told me later" above, it was during these talks (we ended up talking over the course of weeks.) And so we talked about those things and I explained what I was thinking, and we were starting to work through things.

At some point she seemed to be warming up a lot more and flirting.

But then things got tough, because she told me one day that she wants to talk and says that she read the definition of sexual assault. She said that it is was when someone was touched without explicit consent. I came to realize that my actions fit that definition and so I got super stressed. She's texted me that ever since she's had this realization she's sometimes cried and been upset, and I feel really bad.

The thing is, my therapist said that it wasn't because there was "extra context" that made it not sexual assault, and before I knew about this site I made a post to r/relationship_advice about how to help her heal but everyone overwhelmingly said it wasn't sexual assault, which kind of confuses me about whether it was or not.

I suggested to get couples therapy (it's free at our school) and she agreed, but the problem is that the next appointment is in December! I suggested her going to the free individual therapy because of this, since it should be a lot more available.

It's just really tough because even though she wants things to work out, I don't know if she'll be able to heal from this. I want her to heal from this and not to have trauma and I would hate it if she had trauma. And I really hate that I hurt her like this, especially when she's crying. I don't know how to move forward, especially if what I did was sexual assault.

[Heather]

Hi there, theman123.

So, I'm going to say some things that might sound obvious, but given some of what you have described, it doesn't sound like things that you know, or if you do, that really have resonated with you. This is going to be a lot, but know that I'm willing to stick in the discussion with you until we get to a point where you feel like you have what you need with this.

We aren't supposed to intentionally touch people's bodies without asking permission when we can avoid it.

There isn't a kind of relationship we can be in with someone -- like because someone is a spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend -- that makes it okay for us to touch someone's body, in any way, on any part, by default. By all means, sometimes, we will accidentally touch someone: finding our way to the back of the bus, for instance, or at a crowded concert. When that happens, we say excuse me or sorry. Sometimes we need to touch someone without asking for their own well-being: like if someone is overdosed and unconscious and we are a person with Narcan, for example. Sometimes we will touch someone without their persmission because we are doing that to defend ourselves from them. But by and large, in nearly any context, we are always supposed to ask first, especially the very first times we want to touch someone, and always until and unless someone makes it clear to us in clear, active communication of some kind (non-response isn't that) that we can touch them in certain ways or places without permission.

If and when someone touches someone without asking permission, and they do so from a place of their own sexual desires or out of a desire for power and control through sex, then yes, this is what we call sexual assault. I don't know why the people who told you this wasn't that did, because your partner is correct: in at least one of these instances you have reported here -- touching her breast without permission because you wanted to out of sexual curiosity -- that does meet the definition of assault.

But.

The only person we ever need to validate that something was or wasn't assault in their experience is from the person who feels they have been assaulted. I have a few things I am going to suggest you do and not do here, and the first is that you stop asking other people to tell you if this was or wasn't assault, because the fact is, you have already heard the answer from the only person whose option matters with this: your girlfriend.

I also think it's not sound to try and make yourself not feel bad. We shouldn't feel good about touching people without their permission, and when someone says we did that to them and it has done them harm, I think we should feel bad about it. Now, I don't think there is any good for anyone in staying just in that feeling-bad place, because that doesn't do anything for anyone. But I think recognizing that you probably feel bad for good reason, because you did some things by choice that caused someone distress and that were done without their consent, and then getting set to take some steps by there is actually important. I'd also avoid anyone right now who seems determined for you not to feel bad. Those people are probably not people with particularly healthy views around consent.

(I also want to say that it's important to remember that your girlfriend felt bad and still does. I suspect she even went looking for the definition of SA because in her guts she already knew because of how bad she felt, probably not just after, either, but also at the time. Her moving your hand off her body without saying anything suggests to me, though, that for whatever reason, she didn't feel able to say out loud that this wasn't okay, and that suggests to me, combined with your saying there were other issues before this, that there's more the matter in this relationship that just these incidents. But we can get to that later down the road.)

What can you do from here? For one, I do not think couples counseling is a good move. Couples counseling is mostly for when there are problems in a relationships between people based on both their behaviour. It is not typically advised by a sound therapist to address any kind of abuse (intended or no) inside relationships, at least not until well after both people in it have gotten their own SEPARATE care and help processing what happened. I would instead suggest you seek out help for yourself with this first, and she for herself, and I am glad that you also made that suggestion. I am happy to suggest some avenues for her with that if you'd like me to give them to you to pass on. I would also consider any counselor -- be it your therapist or a couples counselor -- who suggested they know better than someone who says they experienced SA if it was or wasn't to be disqualifying themselves from working with these issues. This is basic stuff and therapists should know better.

You have already taken an important step by coming somewhere to ask what you should do. I'm so glad you did that.

When we have done someone wrong, whatever the situation, there are usually some basic steps we can take to deal with that in emotionally healthy and responsible ways. That tends to be this:

• We first take full responsibility for our actions without any excuses or rationalizations. In your case, you can start by saying something like, "I am so sorry that I touched you so many times and moved ahead without even asking your permission. That was wrong of me, and I take full responsibility. I also believe you when you tell me that you experienced sexual assault through my actions."
• You next ask what they want and need of you: what limits and boundaries they want, if they want any time or space away from you, and if there is anything specific they would like you to do or start doing to try and rebuild trust and make amends.
• You commit yourself to changing the harmful behavior moving forward, and in a case like this, I'd say that should involve telling your girlfriend that out loud, like, "Know that I am going to make a point to work very hard to never touch you without asking and getting your express permission first again, until and unless you tell me it's okay to touch you in ways or places without asking. If I make a mistake with that I don't notice, I would appreciate it if you call me out on it so I can take responsibility and get better at this."

I hope you can see that these actionable things actually offer important things to the other person, but also to you. Like I said, while I certainly don't think you should feel good or even neutral about any of this, you just feeling bad doesn't offer either of you anything beneficial. You taking responsibility for your behavior (no matter what someone calls it or doesn't, the fact remains you did things without consent we need to seek consent for), then working to change it, make amends to the person it harmed, and do what they are open to you doing to support them in caring for themselves? That's how you help someone with healing , and that's also how you learn to change your behavior so you can know that this isn't going to happen again in the future because you aren't going to do the things that cause it.

Does all that make sense to you?

I am happy to dig in more with any of this, whether that's about explaining how we do active consenting, helping your girlfriend directly if she likes or offering resources for her, figuring out how to talk to her to work out what feels best for her right now per your relationship, or helping you find some more resources for yourself. Just let me know where you would like to take it from here.

[Heather]

I want to add one more thing here. I did go and look at your post on that subreddit, and it made me extra glad that you found your way here.

It's very clear by looking at the responses there that the vast majority of people who answered have no training or education in sexual assault, consent or healthy sexual relationships (this is also part of why trying to crowdsource this kind of information from random strangers in general forums is never a good idea). Some were outright awful, clearly showing things like the idea that people are entitled to the bodies of a girlfriend, or that because nonconsent is common, that makes it okay. There was an awful lot of rape culture reflected in that thread. I feel pretty confident saying that of everyone who posted in that thread, you were one of the rare people who was NOT really backwards or outright awful in their thinking about all of this.