Scarleteen

A few different folks recently have asked me whether I'm dating anyone. When I've said no (and it's not for lack of wanting to), a couple of them replied with some version of, well why not. To which I guess I have some ideas. For one reason or another, the apps just haven't worked for me (cue anxiety about my appearance, how I look in pictures, et cetera). So, the obvious progression would be, put myself in situations to meet new people (seems like a basic enough recipe: be around new people, and interact with them). I don't feel like I do this enough, so that is something I need to work at. But I'm also an anxious person and an introvert with a limited social battery, so going out to socialize--especially when I work five days a week--feels like it requires a lot of activation energy. My main friend group right now is my coworkers, which is great, but going out with a group of 10-12 people really doesn't feel the most conducive to trying to meet new people (especially when I'm a straight male and they're mostly female--I know they're supportive of me, but it would still feel kind of uncomfortable trying to chat up a girl in front of them). And in situations where I go somewhere myself or get invited to a gathering by a friend, there's an underlying anxiety about, am I doing this right? is this what I'm supposed to be doing to meet people? who do I talk to?

It's starting to really become a sore spot when people ask me about my love life, and I feel like it's making me more ill at ease with my single-ness. So, I guess I'm partly wondering how I should put myself out there more without getting too anxious, but also how to handle these feelings of uneasiness about the fact that it feels so overwhelming to try and get dates.

Hi Forest_wave,

I think you probably know this, but the question 'why not?' is silly. I can't imagine many people would say they never have any trouble dating. This might be one of those situations where people haven't actually thought about the impact of their question, they are asking because it's an automatic response.

It might not be intentional on their part, but the question 'why not' implicitly assumes that you're lacking something if you aren't in a relationship, and defines success in dating as being in a relationship. Don't accept these terms. One way to become more at ease with being single is to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with that. It is okay to be single for any reason, and not having a partner does not mean you are missing anything.

I guess I have some ideas.

It is useful to have a sense of what you might want to change to improve your chance of finding connections. However, the people who ask this sort of question are not owed an honest and complete evaluation of the state of your love life. You do not even need to consider the state of your love life to answer their question. All you need is a standard, non-committal response. Perhaps something along the lines of Oh, I'm still looking/I'm waiting for the right person. (After this, you may have to move the conversation forward, like by asking the other person a question.)

This might just be me, but trying to 'get dates' feels like a difficult and overwhelming goal to have in social interactions. Why not focus on making positive connections with people, and getting to know them? If that develops into a situation where you like someone and have the opportunity to ask them out, that can be a pleasant bonus.

I think anxiety tends to make us interrogate ourselves and look for gaps in our own behaviour. I would like to suggest that you might not be the problem here, and that the conditions for doing this wrong might be harder to meet than you think they are. If you aren't being actively rude or off-putting, you're probably fine (and remember, people have told you that you're very personable!). Missed connections are not evidence that you're doing something wrong — they are just a part of the experience of trying to meet people. Not everything is in your control; so much depends on the other person and the circumstances.

Does this make sense so far?

Yes, with you so far, and thanks for the reassurance--I think I was flailing a bit when I wrote all this, and your response helped. Especially your point about trying to just enjoy meeting people and socializing instead of trying to go in with the goal of finding dates, it's something I've thought about/been advised before. Easier said than done, but maybe just a matter of better coping strategies or repeat exposure or something.

I'm really burnt out on the apps, but I live in a major city, and it feels like they're the only way I ever hear of anyone meeting or getting in a relationship--surely they aren't, but they seem so quotidian. The objective part of my brain is over them, and they definitely hurt my self-esteem, but there's the emotional part of my brain that thinks they're better for my anxiety than trying to approach IRL, and "if they would just work...." so I go through this loop of deleting them, re-downloading the next day, getting upset, deleting. Is better willpower/affirmations the only way out of this?

Intertwined in all this is (and surely you haven't heard this before....) the fact that I'm embarrassed about still being a virgin. For a while as a choice, and then a while out of Catholic guilt, and then just more anxiety. Much as the logical part of my brian might try to speak up, it just feels like I'm way too late to a party everyone else is at, and it's really hard to manage for me.

Dating life on the apps really can be so rough, so exhausting, and feel so demoralizing. I wish that willpower and affirmations could change that, but I don't think it can. I think if we want things to change with them, their developers and owners need to do things differently and a lot of people using them need to use them differently.

That's pie in the sky, though, so let's talk about what you can do in the meantime.

For one, the apps can feel like our only option, but they really aren't. You can ask friends or family if they know anyone single they think might be good for you and they can set you up. You can also do things like volunteer work or events that are within your interests and the things you care about and see if you don't meet people that way: I'm very introverted, so I hear you on what they can take from us, so limit them as you need to. Major cities do often offer things like speed dating and other kinds of meetups, too. Even if you don't switch to only doing those things, it can be good for your morale to at least take breaks from the apps or mix it up with things like this, and you might just meet someone that way, too.

Which apps you're using can also make a big difference, as can how you are using them, from what you say in your profile to what you screen out with the screening tools a given app offers, to how -- and if -- you interact with people who swipe on you. Happy to brainstorm any of this with you if you like. Dating can be hard!

Thanks for this thoughtful answer and for the encouragement, Heather. It's a good list of offline suggestions--I've tried speed dating a couple times with no luck, but I like the idea of volunteering and meetup groups. I do definitely feel like trying to socialize more and thus overcome general feelings of awkwardness or anxiety would go a long way dating-wise. I guess the part I struggle with is balancing the tension between "I'm doing this to try and improve my dating life" and "my goal shouldn't be to get dates, it should be to meet new people and be social." I'm definitely open to making new friends and meeting people platonically--just feels a bit muddled sometimes when both could happen in the same setting, if that makes sense. (And it's crossed my mind to ask a trusted friend or two if they'd set me up, it's just the looming obstacle of feeling desperate or needy if I were to ask.)

As for apps, I tend to avoid (or at least get easily fed up with) the swipe-based apps, since I feel like I can come across better if I can respond to a prompt or initiate conversation (again, insecurity about my appearance....), so Hinge is really the only one I return to woth any hope of making connections. I try to include prompts where I can talk about my interests/values and find common ground (i.e., a little more substance than "I like tacos"--if a person's prompts consists of answers like these, I'm inclined to skip over them because I simply don't know how to start a conversation). Usually when I send a like/message, it's about books or music--I feel like I can speak well about these, and they're of great interest to me--and try to structure it with two prongs of, "What are you reading/listening to/enjoying right now, at the moment I'm really into X." And yet, nothing to show for all this recently. Which makes me want to ditch them altogether, but it's the part of me thinking, "if only they could work...." that pulls me back--not to mention how omnipresent they are in my age group, and how meeting in person seems like the exception, not the norm. A couple friends have said to me before they think apps probably aren't the right approach for me and I'd do better in person (they didn't elaborate, but I know them well enough to trust this wasn't a dig), and I'm inclined to agree. But again, anxiety. Plus the fact that apps seem like they could facilitate something quicker, and something I struggle with (in dating, but also generally) is feeling uncomfortable with the thought that desired outcomes could and will take a long time to develop.

Hi Forest_wave

You know, I think you have a good approach with your messages — trying to find common ground, talking about subjects that are important to you, and showing interest in the other person are all strong strategies. I know it can be so demoralizing to put your best effort into reaching out, only to receive no response, but try not to take these things personally. Luck plays a big role in finding a partner, especially on these apps — while there are things you can try to improve your chances, not everything is in your control. There are people out there who would be a good partner for you, but it will take patience to meet them.

Since you've mentioned having friends that you trust, have you ever shown them your dating profile? They might be able to give specific advice on how you can best present yourself. And if you are not happy with your pictures, they could help you take new ones.

it's crossed my mind to ask a trusted friend or two if they'd set me up, it's just the looming obstacle of feeling desperate or needy if I were to ask.

I wonder if framing this differently might help. Asking someone to set you up could feel a bit strong. Instead, you could let them know that you're looking to date, and that if they know anyone who might be a good match for you, they can tell you.

I might have misunderstood, but I want to say something, just in case. The desired outcome of finding someone to date soon shouldn't be more important than taking the time to understand if a person would be a good match for you, and you for them. This is similar to one of the problems with wanting to 'get dates'. It isn't bad to have a clear sense that you want a partner, or to be in the process of looking for one. But I think people prefer to date those who seem genuinely interested in them for who they are — they don't want to be interchangeable. You probably know this, but being interested in other people is interesting. If getting dates or finding a relationship soon is your goal, that might not give the people the feeling that you really want them. If I may ask, what is the hurry to find a relationship?

I'm definitely open to making new friends and meeting people platonically--just feels a bit muddled sometimes when both could happen in the same setting, if that makes sense.

To make sure I've understood this correctly, are you worried about a mismatch in expectations for your behaviour when both romantic and platonic relationships can arise out of the same setting?

If I may ask, what is the hurry to find a relationship?

I....guess I don't have a great answer to this question, and it's something I've asked myself when I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I absolutely take your point about being interested in people and not thinking of them as replaceable--I'd hate to be one of those people who does that (especially being mindful of the fact that loads of other cishet men DO treat women this way). So too do I take your point about taking the time to find the right person--in fact, I think a big reason the relationship I ended early this year didn't succeed was because I had never had a relationship before and was so excited someone was actually into me that I didn't take the time to assess that while we had a lot in common, we probably weren't relationship-compatible (and the way our relationship progressed was, I would have to think, atypical). I think I can say that what I'm generally looking for out of a relationship are companionship, quality time, shared context and experiences, affection, sex, feeling cared for and affirmed. But why I feel like I need these things quickly, I don't know. Again, something I struggle with in other areas of life is accepting and acknowledging that things take time and don't always move in a straight line. I'm not sure it's so much that I want to get dates and/or a relationship quickly as much as it is the fear of looking back and feeling like I wasted good time that I could have been meeting people, dating, and figuring out the kind of person and relationship I want--which is a feeling I already have to a large degree.

I'm not sure how good this analogy will be, but to put it another way, I hate the job I'm in now and have been unsuccessfully job hunting for several months. So when people tell me something like, "keep your head up and be patient, the right job will come along," that's perfectly reasonable and fair advice, but it's not what my emotional brain wants to hear. It's been this long, I want the good new job now. I want to fast-forward to the part where I feel at ease with myself and more content with other areas of my life, and therefore more comfortable taking the romantic part of my life as it comes and letting the chips fall as they may, which is logically the better approach and a much better head-space to be in when meeting people, instead of feeling like I'm pressing. (Something a therapist said to me once in a different context that really stuck with me was, if you're trying to feed some ducks, you don't charge full-steam at the ducks, that's counterproductive because they'll just scatter.) Logically I know that's not how life works, nor how personal growth works, it takes time. But I'm afraid of only getting to that point when I'm 35 and feeling like I've wasted my young years. Similarly, I know it's all interconnected and know my attitude about dating would be different, most likely healthier, if I had a job I liked better and didn't have that constant stressor, if I exercised more, if my social life better fulfilled some of the emotional needs, if, if, if. But when viewed whole-picture like that, it feels so ominous and overwhelming that I don't know which thread to pull first and feel like it'll take forever to untangle, which is a hopeless feeling. And again, back to your question, I don't know why I single dating out of all these things as the one to ruminate about, but I do. Which maybe goes back to my first post and original frustration--I don't want to be reminded of it any more than I already remind myself of it, nor made to think that I "should" have it figured out or it's something I "should" have a handle on when I don't, much as I'd like to.

To make sure I've understood this correctly, are you worried about a mismatch in expectations for your behaviour when both romantic and platonic relationships can arise out of the same setting?

Something like that, maybe? In thinking of a better way to articulate what I meant by this, the solution I arrived at (and what you have been saying, I think) was, "well, don't worry about sorting people into boxes of 'potential friend' or 'potential partner' right away, be interested in getting to know them as a person and see what happens from there." Which seems like the sound approach, and the one that resists the urge to categorize people, perhaps.

Okay, I know that was a lot of rambling, but I hope it's not too incoherent. Thank you for being so patient.