Uncomfortable with the Material Arousing Me

[thelabrat90]

First thing I wanna write, I'm not watching porn with real life human actors or anything, it's entirely written erotica whether through a character ai bot, fanfic online, or literotica stories. So there isn't that labor rights issue that I'm comfortable with, it doesn't exist here.

It's more like...reverse misogyny (like through omegaverse or feminization) control, and humiliation really arouses me, but there's also another part of my brain that straight up hates/is really uncomfortable with reading the weird misogyny and bioessentialism present. It also doesn't help that I'm asexual and aromantic, and growing up, I was always so uncomfortable with the amanormative stuff I saw in fiction and in real life (Oh, there's no way they're JUST friends, or Boys think about only thing, or I want something MORE). Basically anything that implies there's some bioessentialist quality to love/romance/pairing, and that a specific gender has a specific trait because of their wiring, well, it triggers me (like an alpha being protective over an omega, hahaha. it distresses me because it reminds me of my teacher saying Without a man, the family has no wall! Life is so much harder). But I'm also really into feminization, humiliation, and the control aspects which reliably arouse me, and I can usually find those in omegaverse stories.

I guess, my main question is--should I search for other material to read? when I look at my favorite stories, it's stuff that shows this isn't okay, and the people are separate fleshed out minds beyond their genders. but even then I sometimes get uncomfy reading the level of distress these characters are showing at times. It is still fundamentally some pretty dark content that's often labelled erotic horror. but at the same time, its what arouses me especially since my current vibrator doesn't bring me much pleasure through the sensation alone...(Its a rose vibrator and I dislike it since you have to hold it in one place. Planning on getting a discreet bullet vibe somehow, but I probably won't since I'm living with conservative parents). I also think masturbation is becoming a compulsive behavior because I'm depressed and its like a physical stim. maybe I should take a break from masturbation for a while? It could be the sheer quantity of darker themed erotica I'm reading, and how I'm masturbating too much, that makes me feel really bad. i have a therapist but its only six sessions in, and I dont feel comfortable talking to her about these issues. I really hate my depression, I think I'm avoiding my problems...going to go to a psychiatrist about antidepressants tomorrow.

[Jacob]

Hey thelabrat90!

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting even temporary relief from masturbation, sometimes especially if it gives you a break from depression. It's one those the few pleasures in life that can be relatively immediate and is generally pretty good for you. If, of course, you're finding that masturbation is part of some compulsive cycles, like you're doing it all night instead of sleeping or are avoiding paying your bills or other material responsibilities, then finding ways other than masturbation to address those needs (for sleep, or anxiety around budgeting, in these examples) is the way to go. But it doesn't sound like it's negatively affecting any other part of your life?

With erotic narratives that don't align with your real-life values, or those erotica fandoms with misogynistic undertones, or even prolifically problematic overtones I think what can help is trying understand what you're getting from it.

Broadening your horizons can help you understand why one thing 'clicks' for you and another thing doesn't.

I'll say that a very big part of eroticism for a lot of people is to enjoy playing at, or exploring fantasies of certain dynamics because they otherwise dislike or are troubled by those those dynamics. Eroticising something can feel like a scary thing has been re-contextualized instead of "abusive person abusing me" they can approach the same subject matter as "my own characters in my own imagination performing all the gestures of abuse but instead of trauma, this is pleasure" -- it's a bit like that slapstick comedy trope where somebody tries to shoot a firearm and instead of bullets coming out there's a flag that says "bang"... there's catharsis to winking at the audience and remembering the bad thing isn't really happening, just a harmless imitation of the bad thing.

On the other hand, this might not be the case for you and it could be more about these stories having a predictable logic and there is comfort in the familiarity. But whatever it is, I don't think there's any harm in you enjoying what you already have done, or exploring further, especially as it seems like there are aspects which you're not enjoying much at all.

One other thing you could try would be to try writing your own... that way you can tweak it away from the aspects you dislike, but also it might be easier to feel like you have a hand in shaping the worlds you're imagining, instead of that feeling that aspects of the story, which you might otherwise enjoy, are coming at you from someplace else without your participation. Is that something you could try?

[thelabrat90]

I delay bedtime a lot because of masturbation currently, hence why I'm worried about it. And yeah, youre absolutely right about everything you said about how eroticizing troubling dynamics helps people cope a lot, I know all of that already. I dont really feel shame about enjoying the stuff I enjoy because it's all fiction...but I guess the best way to describe it is someone eating too much dark chocolate and getting sick.

What you said about writing my own erotic stories is a really good idea and I think the aspect of "the stories of other people coming at me without participation " is part of why I dont enjoy it. I can count on one hand the number of erotica I like that personally nails all my buttons, and its quite difficult to find it. Due to how my asexuality specifically manifests, porn does nothing for me and I really need a decent narrative and premise to get aroused. I've also written as a hobby for ten years but I've stopped due to my depression so this might be a good way to get back into.

I guess I'm nervous about writing smut because its always really fucking hard, and I ogerthink it. but writing it solely to get my own rocks off seems like a way to bypass that overthinkjng and perfectionism.

I also think I'll probably stop reading the stuff making me uncomfortable, and try to broaden my horizons and figure out what exactly arouses me, and what I genuinely can't stand. Thank you for the help. Do you have any writing resources for making erotica? You can literally just Google it and give me a random resource, with my anxiety and depression and ADHD, I tend to over think things and go on binging research spirals so limiting myself to reading only the resources you give me is a way I try to bypass that. I listen to other people better than I listen to myself

[Jacob]

So glad that sounds like it could be a useful way-in for you!

I think staying up a little too late makes sense - immediate desire has probably defeated many a good nights sleep, and maybe sometimes/often it's worth it?! But if that balance is just tipping further than you'd like it to, and you're recognising it here, that's a pretty good sign that you're in a position to readjust, meaning it's not some dis-regulated thing which you're concerningly unable recognise, but something you're working on.

I think with getting started with any kind of writing it can be helpful to have starting prompts... these can come from any resource for creative writing. Even stuff like "The wind was blowing through the... [now write the rest]" can be helpful.

I also think a helpful exercise for writing-for-yourself, is to write a list of non-criteria, so that instead of constraining yourself you're reminding yourself of the grace you're allowing yourself for free exploration

e.g. If I was doing it I might start the list like this
This piece of writing doesn't have to be...

• Long
• Spelled correctly
• Understandable to anyone but me
• etc

But you can include anything on your list.

[Jacob]

This one seems pretty fun: https://diymfa.com/writer-igniter/

My favourite one it came up with when I gave it a spin just now was:

Character: Psychic
Situation: Forgets an anniversary
Prop: Wedding Dress
Setting: [Image of a park bench next to some red flowers]

[thelabrat90]

thank you so much for your help Jacob! I really appreciate the prompt generator and the advice you gave me. thank you for the thoughtful advice and Iml look into the plot generator too

[Jacob]

No worries and bon chance with your foray into erotic authorship!