So I've been sort of struggling recently with being consistently happy.
The first term of this school year is finally over, so now that I'm on my two weeks of winter break I can just take a breath and sort of reflect over everything. I've been doing pretty okay, but for some reason these past few weeks I've been feeling the urge to self-harm. I had a consistent issue with sh during my freshman year of high school (I'm a senior now), and I haven't done it since then (hooray).
But for some reason I've been feeling down recently and the urge is back.
In general, I struggle pretty bad with anxiety. I've never been officially diagnosed by a doctor with anything (because I never went to a doctor and asked for a test or anything) so I don't want to make any claims that I have this or that, but I can say that I do definitely struggle with anxiety and I honestly believe that I've had bouts of depression throughout my teenage years.
I had some trauma when I was a young kid, which still affects me today and is the main reason why I had such a hard time freshman year. I haven't been able to fully work through that trauma yet (unfortunately) so I'm still plagued with the effects of it. The anxiety is usually my main struggle (and in general is always there), but recently I've been feeling more depressed. I'm used to having sparse amounts of energy in general, but lately it's been weird. I'm always tired and it's getting more difficult to be excited or happy about things, and when I am happy about something or just content in general, it doesn't last very long. I always seem to have something negative on my mind as well, which is frustrating.
About the sh, the main thing stopping me from actually starting again is that my mom would 100% know and find out and I cannot have that happen because when she found out freshman year it was hell. She was totally freaked out and absolutely hated the whole situation (which is understandable for a parent). I don't want to ruin the holidays either, so I don't want to even MENTION anything related to sh because I know it would totally freak her out and it would be just a miserable situation.
It just sort of disturbs me because I know that if there was no way she'd find out, I would be doing it again.
I thought I was starting to do better, but now I feel doubtful. Now that my highschool career is coming to an end, and I'm starting college next year, I'm afraid it's only going to get worse. I'm not the best with big changes and instability, it sort of throws me for a loop. I really don't want the beginning of my college years to start off with me having a mental breakdown or being spiraled into a bout of depression.
I think I'm just needing some advice on how to handle the sudden dip in my mental stability.
I'd really appreciate anything.
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