Girly advice needed. :) tysm

[haileyS550]

Hi everyone. f (21) m (21). We been together for 4 years now. Our relationship is definitely a rocky ride. Lately I bought a vibrator due to the fact that I wanted to try something better. In that I mean I don’t have orgasms when I have sex with him. It’s sooo rare when I do. Only like 4 times as i remember cumming on him. (Idk if orgasms and cumming is the same??) We recently tried to have sex but for some reason something was off the connection wasn’t there, I’m sure he knew too. He got real soft … small…. I bought lube that day , I wore what he likes. Told him f it I need my vibrator now. He starts kinda crying… and puts his clothes on. I love him so much but damn is something wrong with me or him? Do I need to buy a vibrating dildo this time

[Latha]

Hi HailleyS550, welcome to the boards!

You could buy a vibrating dildo, but it doesn't have to be your next step — that would be a proper conversation with your partner about what happened. I wouldn't say anything is wrong with either of you, but there may be some adjustments that you can make to the way both of you approach sex in your relationship.

Incorporating toys into partnered sex is a great idea — the different kind of stimulation provided by toys does help some people orgasm more. But this can be a sensitive subject. Some people place a lot of importance on giving their partner pleasure/orgasms during sex. When there is a toy involved, it can make them feel like they are not good enough. There might be a gendered aspect to this too — for your partner, this could have made him feel insufficiently masculine. None of this is your fault, but knowing this might help you understand his reaction and approach your conversation well. See if you can offer him some reassurance that using toys is only a positive addition, and doesn't imply anything negative about him.

In addition to the toys, there may be other strategies you two can try to help you orgasm more during partnered sex. A good way to identify these might be to look at what has helped you orgasm on your own, or with other partners. Do you have any thoughts?

On cumming/orgasms: I would think of orgasms as the release of tension that has been built up during sex. Cumming is a nebulous word — it is used in the same way as orgasm, but it can also be used to describe ejaculation, like squirting. Squirting doesn't have to happen during an orgasm, so whether they are the same depends on what you mean here.

[Heather]

It might also help to share some of our articles with him that explain that most people with vaginas just do not experience orgasm from intercourse alone, and many also won't find intercourse all by itself pleasurable. That's about how these kinds of bodies are built, not about partners or their penises being less than, an unfortunately prevalent belief, particularly amoung straight folks.

Without at least some external clitoral stimulation, intercourse often will feel anything from just plain meh to outright painful, so a lot of folks will either incorporate a vibrator for that or add fingers (their own or their partners) to the situation.

Here are some of those articles for you both:
• The Great No-Orgasm-From-Intercourse Conundrum
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• I didn't feel a thing with fingering: is there something wrong with me?

You did also say that your relationship is a "rocky ride" in general, so it's also likely the crying is about bigger issues than this. Did you ask him why he was crying? If so, what did he say?