Difficulty enjoying sexual content

[Marsalin]

I’ve always felt extremely guilty watching porn and I’ve finally found a thing I enjoy more and don’t feel as guilty about. The problem is I still do feel guilty and don’t know how to deal with it. I’m worried about my parents finding out as while I am over 18 I’m still with them. It just feels really hard to find a way to enjoy myself sexually without feeling sone kind of extreme anxiety and guilt about it.

[Latha]

Hi Marsalin,

I’m sorry to hear that the experience of exploring your sexuality has been prompting such negative feelings. Sexual exploration is a normal part of many people’s lives, and I think it isn’t especially surprising that a person your age is interested in sex. Have your parents said or done anything that tells you that they would disapprove? What makes you think they might find out?

[Marsalin]

I’ve been caught watching stuff in the past. They where always the let’s talk about it and hopefully you won’t again type, or at least that’s how I see it. Also some of the stuff is just stuff I don’t really want them knowing about. Also I don’t know but it could be like wifi search history or something like that. I’m just worried something will cause them to find out.

[Sofi]

I wonder if now that you're over 18, they might have a different opinion on it? Regardless, I don't think they can find out via WiFi, so as long as you're using your own private device, you're okay. You can even open an incognito tab and use that for extra privacy and safety.

That solves the issue of them potentially finding out, but maybe we can talk about the guilt. What messages did you hear about sexual content growing up or even recently that make you feel like it's something to be ashamed of?

[Marsalin]

My family is very open about sexual stuff but when I’ve been caught watching stuff they always seemed to be disappointed that I was. Also some of the stuff I’m into isn’t really stuff I want people outside of a few close friends to know about. It also might be my autism overthinking everything and worrying about being caught. I just have a lot of frustration around my sexual life (or lack there of) and it feels kind of bad using stuff online resources

[Sofi]

So, there isn't really a need for anyone outside a few close friends, or even within, to know about the stuff you're into. When it comes to anything related to sexuality, including what kind of sexual media we like to consume, we're all entitled to keep that as private as we want. The resources that exist, exist for a reason - and I'm not sure why exactly you feel bad for using them, but if this helps, there is such a thing as feminist sexual media (created by women and queer folks, not exploitative, not in the male gaze, etc). That's an ethical way to consume sexual content many people use, and there shouldn't be guilt around it. How do you feel about exploring that, do you think that would remove some of the guilt and shame? This will help us determine where it comes from and how to start working through it.

[Marsalin]

I don't watch anything with real people. I think I'm just scared of being judged for what i find pleasure in now that i think about it. That and it being my only sexual outlet. I wish i could do stuff with people but that's not possible. Thanks for the help and let me know if you have any other suggestions.

[Sofi]

I hear you, and unfortunately it's very common for people (especially young folks) to feel shame around what they enjoy sexually. Around here, we don't subscribe to the idea that some sexual preferences are shameful - as long as everything is consensual and legal and everyone is okay with it, there's nothing shameful or gross when it comes to what sexual media you're consuming. After all, it was made because other people enjoy it too. It's also normal for someone your age to still not have much or any experience with partnered sex and for sexual media to be their main way to explore their sexuality, you're not "behind" so to speak.

I have autism too, and I can understand overthinking and going in a spiral about things we feel shame or guilt about. It's valid that you're feeling overwhelmed by all this, but I invite you to think about it in different terms. What you're consuming isn't "weird" or "abnormal", we don't really believe there are such things when it comes to this. Plus, who's going to judge you? As I said, it's completely private and no one ever needs to know if you don't want anyone to.

Regarding the frustration about not being able to have sex with people irl, have you felt like this for a long time? What specifically about partnered sex are you wanting or feel you're currently lacking?

[Marsalin]

I'm 18 and the second oldest in my friend group as well as one of the two of us who is still a virgin (my partner is the other one). My friends have almost all done it and me and my partner are interested in it but it feels impossible (look at my previous post from a month or two ago for more). It just feels bad knowing those around you have all experienced something you want to try without being able to do it. I feel bad about even thinking this stuff though as i don't want it to lead to asking my partner about it when they are not ready.

[CaitlinEve]

Marsalin,

I remember your other post; I think it's normal to be feeling these feelings of frustration about your current experiences! I don't think that feeling bad about feeling bad is productive or healthy though. I do also want to mention that it's not abnormal for partners to be at different levels sexually and to be ready (or not ready) for different things. This doesn't make either one of you a bad person, but communicating with your partner is a good way to make sure you AREN'T pressing those boundaries when they aren't ready. I think the fact that you're concerned means that it's something you likely wouldn't do!

[Marsalin]

I’ll talk with them when I’m feeling a bit better. Thanks for your help.

[Marsalin]

Kind of as a continuation of this, whenever I’m dealing with a lot of negative emotions I usually resort to this stuff. It feels really unhealthy and I don’t know how to deal with it beyond asking here.

[Latha]

Hi Marsalin!

When you say that you resort to ‘this stuff’ when dealing with negative emotions, were you referring to your tendency to worry, or the sexual exploration that you’ve been trying? Or was it something else?

[Marsalin]

Sexual content. I go to it when I’m depressed mostly which sounds like some sort of addiction. I’m just not sure

[HannahP]

Hey there Marsalin!

To me, that sounds more like you seeking out something distracting or comforting to help take your mind off of your negative emotions, which is a really common thing and not a sign that you're engaging with it in an unhealthy way. But, it's possible that because you have complicated feelings about this sexual content, it's not an entirely positive experience and you might end up feeling weird or guilty about it. Does that sound right?

[Marsalin]

Yeah. It’s a distraction by making me feel different bad emotions instead of making me feel better most of the time.

[HannahP]

That is really tough! It sounds to me like there's some shame at the heart of all this. Have you taken a look at this article before? Undoing Sexual Shame

I'll be straightforward — I don't believe that there's any reason for you to feel shame about the content you've been looking at. I think that the negative feelings you're having around this make sense (because so many of us are raised to feel shame about this kind of thing!) but that they're misplaced. If you can work out where the shame is coming from and process it, I believe this could be a healthy outlet for you. What do you think about that?

[Marsalin]

Thanks, I’ll look at that. I do feel it is shame at heart like you said. Sometimes it because of what I’m watching/reading (nothing bad or illegal, just weird) but more often it’s just shame that I’m engaging in that stuff at all. Thanks for the article and help. I’ll read it and respond her if I have any questions.

[Ro S]

Hey Marsalin,

I just want to jump in here and reiterate what all the folks before me have said: a large percentage of the shame most of us feel about sex and the things we like sexually is learned from others and our environments. This shame often stems from the idea that there’s a "norm" when it comes to sex and sexuality and that if you deviate from that norm you are doing something wrong. Ultimately, the more we unravel our desires and our own likes, the more we get to see that a “norm” just isn’t ever going to encompass the fullness and complexity of sexuality. You get to explore what you like, and so long as everyone involved consents, there’s really no wrong way to explore.

I’m glad to hear what Hannah shared resonates with you and that you’re going to take some time to digest that article. We’ll be here for support if you have anything else that comes up <3