what do i live for at this point?

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_PUTRESCENCE_
not a newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Nov 05, 2024 6:13 am
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: AUTISM 🔥🔥🔥
Primary language: English
Pronouns: he/they
Sexual identity: bisexual demiboy!!!
Location: the void 😍😍😍

what do i live for at this point?

Unread post by _PUTRESCENCE_ »

TWs here because none of this is palatable to a normal person
SUICIAL IDEATION!!!!, S/H!!!, ALLISTIC PEOPLE!!!!, POOR EMOTIONAL CONTROL!!!! TRANSPHOBIA!!! BARELY LEGAL PORN!!!!



i don't even know at this point?????
transmasc, ADHDtism [diagnosed] and indian. not a great combo.
add in the fact that my parents think that ADHD medication isn't necessary because of the fact that i've taken commerce subjects. [accountancy, business studies, economics] because of the 🥺side effects🥺 [because gaining weight is SOOOO much worse than not being able to fucking focus for more that 2 minutes]
or that i'm an emotional HEADCASE.
i react so abnormally to things and it's not even funny anymore. what do you mean i just had a crashout because my stupid ass couldn't tally a balance sheet so that both sides are equal? what do you mean that i'm spiralling over just that? i don't think Normal People normally think that they should "fucking kill themselves" [exact phrasing] over a fucking accountancy problem. to me it feels like if i can't do even this supposedly easy thing then how the fuck am i going to do anything else?

additionally, i don't even know what i wanna do???? i'm nearing in end of class 11 [junior in 'Murican terms] and i have no ideas for the future. if it were up to me i'd take something creative like English [the only subject i like and consistently score above 85% in] or arts...
Except that there's nowhere to go for literature majors [i don't know what i would do.] and i SUCK at art. like i can't even do anatomy. this is also something i have crashed out about several times because i see those infuriating ass "Support a 13-year-old artist?" and it's ALWAYS DO MUCH BETTER THAN MINE???? i was born with the passion but no fucking talent.

my parents don't think they'll ever meet a queer person so they don't support it. what do i even do when i need to transition??? what degree do i even take???? i don;t know anymore so i'm following what my parents say and taking law. [BBA, LLB or something] and i guess i'll live in the closet because that's what's most likely to happen.

i cant even reconcile myself with how i look in the mirror because i'm FAT, and my HAIR LOOKS FUCKING UGLY AND WAVY, and my BOOBS ARE TOO FFUCKING BIG. i can't see myself as anything other than this image of myself where i look pretty the way a guy is pretty instead of a FCUKINGGG WHALE????


i'm literally so disgusting too?? the only porn that turns me on is the barely legal ones and i don;t even LIKE that in real life but it's hot in porn?????? i feel so disgusting afterwards and it barely makes me feel good so that beats the fucking point.

i don't have friends close enough to talk to about this stuff and my parents feel oh-so stressed when i bring it up with them like im not the one going through it FIRSTHAND?

i don't know anymore. i just wanted to let this out there because here at least i can hide behind a username and not face the judgement that i would in real life.
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Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 9780
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
Age: 54
Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for over 25 years!
Primary language: english
Pronouns: they/them
Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago

Re: what do i live for at this point?

Unread post by Heather »

HI there, _PUTRESCENCE_.

I'm so, so sorry that you are feeling the way you are.

However, as we mention in our user agreement, there are some things we simply don't have the right resources as an organization to help users with, and suicidal ideation is one of those things. Before we can talk with anyone reporting active suicidal ideation about other things we can help with, we need to ask that you talk with someone who can help you with that first.

Trans Lifeline is the hotline that I would encourage you to call for help. They are wonderful, and this is specifically what they help with. You can reach them at: 877-565-8860, and this is their website: https://translifeline.org/

I hope that they can help you get through this part of your struggle, and when you're through that, you are more than welcome to circle back to us to talk about some of the other issues you're having that we can help you with. Hang in there. <3
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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