A Prior Abusive Friend Is Confusing Me

[MountainMix]

I had to reach out to a prior abusive friend to fill out a W9 for them since the 1099 is due this Friday. They said after they gave me the W9 to not contact them ever again. But I’m so confused cause I never ever contacted them after our break up (which was more than half a year ago) and never ever want to contact them ever again after getting the W9. It almost feels like they want me to think I’m being abusive for asking for tax information that would get us in trouble if they did not provide it. Why are they doing that? I’m so confused.

[Heather]

Hey there, MountainMix.

I wish I could tell you why your friend is behaving the way they are, but I'm afraid only they will have the answer to that. Since you're not going to be able to ask them, obviously, want to brainstorm about some ways you can yourself find some closure with this without them?

[MountainMix]

I would like to. Interacting with them always feels confusing and nerve wracking. It feels like I’m walking on eggshells constantly. I wish I didn’t have to get the W9 form from them, but it was legally necessary. Technically, I was supposed to have gotten the W9 before I paid them, but I trusted them as a friend to give it to me. I had asked them for months for it (since last July) but they didn’t give it to me until this week when the due date is Friday. I don’t know what exactly I’m feeling about it. Betrayed maybe? Foolish to have trusted them? I dont know why this is so confusing.

[Heather]

You know, often when we feel like we're walking on eggshells with someone it's a good indication that they are engaging with us in ways that are meant for us to feel like that. I don't mean that it involves some kind of diabolical planning, or even a real awareness of doing that on that person's part, but behaving in a way where people feel like that usually is because that person is exerting some kind of power and control stuff.

Same goes for feeling constantly confused: we often feel like that if someone is gaslighting or otwerwise manipulating us.

From the sounds of things, I don't see anything here on your end but your doing your due diligence as we all have to if we're paying people for things where we need to file tax paperwork. I suspect they are engaging in crummy, confusing behaviour around it because...that's who they are?

Not knowing how someone is going to behave or not seeing someone manipulative, controlling or abusive isn't something a person has done wrong. These things are often very hard to see coming, often in no small part because the people who behave these ways tend to have learned to be very charming or engaging at the outset and save this kind of behavior for later. <3

[MountainMix]

That makes sense. And it helps me feel better. I resonate a lot with what you said.

Do you have any tips on how I can move on and find closure?

[Latha]

Hi MountainMix,

There is something I once read in a Captain Awkward column, and I’m wondering whether it might help you here. It is the idea that closure is a gift you give yourself. Try to accept that you may never understand this person’s reasons for behaving the way they have. If they have a different narrative than you do about what happened, that doesn’t mean you were wrong. You don’t have to make that make sense, or set the record straight.

Instead, whenever you find yourself thinking about this, see if you can focus your attention on the people in your life who do care for you and don't always leave you confused and feeling like you're walking on eggshells. Be attentive to how that feels, and remember that this is what relationships should be like. This may also help you feel more confident in your perspective on what happened.