Almost twenty and no romantic feelings, ever?

[quack_quack]

Hi so im writing here because im confused and frustrated. Im 19 turning 20 soon, lesbian. Ive known i was gay since i was like 12, and im very comfortable in that identity. But im starting to get really confused, if thats the right name for this feeling? I have never had a crush on anyone. Ive never felt butterflies, ive never been in love or even slightly enamored by someone. Ive also never seen someone that i wanted to make out or have sex with. Do i not feel romantic or physical attraction?? i dont want to be ace or aro. I LOVE romance books. when i read romance books i feel butterflies in my stomach, i want my life to be like that. i want one person thats more important to me than anything, and to get this feeling about them. I want to have sex and be in a relationship. But i dont feel anything. for anyone. i thought it might just be because no one around me was interesting enough but im almost twenty now and ive never even held hands romantically. Ive not wanted to either, or to rephrase: ive not had anyone ive wanted to WITH. i want to be in a romantic relationship but i feel like its impossible because i dont feel anything for anyone. Not to mention no ones asked me out anyway. I feel like im getting too old for “firsts” and im about to graduate, i really thought id have some experiences by now. im also afraid i might be incapable of romantic feelings, which would be my worst nightmare. again romance is my favorite genre, im a huge softie and really just want to meet my soulmate. i feel like my brain and heart are my own worst enemy. ive never even felt what unrequited attraction might be like, let alone a relationship. im so lost i dont know what to do. i tried going on some dates too but it was just friendly nothing romantic. I feel like every girl i meet my brain automatically friendzones or something. i know i am attracted to women, yet ive never actually had even the slightest of feelings for one, im afraid i never will. any help appreciated

[Heather]

Hi there, quack_quack, and welcome to the boards. <3

I'm less worried than you are that you will never have the feelings you want to have. By all means, I can't say if you're ace or not (though clearly you are not aromantic, I think we can agree that seems very clear), and yes, if you are, we can't choose to change our orientation. I also think that if you turned out to be, that doesn't mean you can't still pursue or have all of these things you talk about wanting here (mind you, I think the idea of a single "soulmate" isn't so realistic, but I certainly think one or more people in your life you feel strongly connected to absolutely is). However, just based on how you're talking here, that seems pretty unlikely, too.

What seems more likely is that you just haven't met anyone yet that you have those feelings about. In this era, I wouldn't say 20 is late for that. We hear from people all the time here in their 20s, some older than that, who haven't yet had those feelings for someone and/or haven't yet started having these kinds of relationships. I disgaree that you're too old for firsts, I really do.

You say you tried going on some dates: how many is some? I ask that because in both my personal experience and via knowing about this more broadly from the work I do, it's very common for us to need to have quite a few dates before we meet someone where there's both some sparks and a feeling of romantic or sexual connection. I'd say it's more common that not for MOST dates not to be love or lust matches, and for that reason, dating can be a real numbers game, alas.

Might you be open to keeping on with dating?

[quack_quack]

Hi heather thanks for the fast reply! Im definitely open to keep dating, i just feel like online dating is so impersonal. everytime i was on a date with someone i felt like it was a job interview to see if they fit the role of a partner rather than actually wanting to spend time together. Im just worried because i dont have a single person in my life whos like this, everyone i know has either been in a relationship (or multiple) before or at least had feelings for someone. I feel like a total black sheep, i can never relate in any of the conversations about love. I think i would be happy even if i had feelings for someone that aren’t reciprocated, just so i knew for sure i was capable of feeling them for someone.

[KierC]

Hey quack_quack,

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here! First, I want you to know that, as Heather said, I don’t think 20 is late for firsts. I had my “firsts” when I was an adult, and I can empathize with the black sheep feeling, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone here. <3

I hear you that online dating can feel really impersonal sometimes. I wonder if it might help to place aside the idea of them fitting a role for you, and more of a mutual getting to know each other without expectation. How does that land with you?

I’m also wondering if it might help as an exercise to think about what kinds of characteristics or traits about people that you *could* find attractive. Is there anything about people that you notice that draws you to them or makes you feel really good?