I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself

[Wekokxi_7]

I apologize for any mistakes. English is not my first language. I really needed a space to get this off my chest, and I would appreciate any advice and guidance

So I, 15, been trolling on an anonymous bot on telegram for a while. At first I used to download and send fake nudes to strangers online so I could get a quick laugh. At first it was just a harmless thing for me to do from time to time. I used to engage in conversations by sending them fake nudes, gifs, stickers, etc. But tonight, for some unknown reason, despite knowing the consequences and dangers, I ended up sending a few videos and explicit photos of myself to a few strangers (about 4 or 5, between the ages 16 to 19 from what they've told me). I didn't share any personal information about myself including my name, location, country nor my face. No face or voice were included in the videos or photos. The bot is considered safe, and has about 2m monthly users, and sharing explicit videos are common on the bot. I knew, and I was aware of the consequences. It's unlikely for someone to recognize me or the photos getting leaked, since it's a pretty common thing to do on the bot, but it's been bothering me and distressing me. I'm aware of the fact that what I did was wrong, and it was purely an impulsive act and I regret it greatly. I can't help but feel disappointed and disgusted with myself. I feel like I've betrayed my parents' trust, and more importantly, disrespected myself and lowered my value by such cheap and degrading acts, and it was something i swore i would never act on, but during the conversations i guess i liked the attention i was getting and let my intrusive thoughts win against me, and my hormones were going wild. I don't know how I'm supposed to approach this topic with my mom (we are really close and I tell her everything).
Thank you for reading, I know this was pretty long but it's been bothering me and distressing me so much, especially since I know if this secret gets exposed I would be shamed.

[Heather]

Hi there. I'm glad you found us, and I'm so sorry that you're feeling so scared and distressed.

As you've probably figured, whatever you've already done with all this is done, and there's not a taking it back at this point. There's only really a figuring out what you can or need to do to protect yourself as you can, working through your feelings, and making different choices moving forward.

Can you tell me a little about what you're looking for in a conversation about this? I would like to suggest you consider stopping trolling (and I say this as someone whose work involves having to clean up the mess of trolling a lot), but I also want to do what we can here to help you work through your feelings and manage your safety.

[Wekokxi_7]

@Heather

If you are talking about why I engage in conversations I have to say it first started from boredom. It's not something consistent, and I do it once in a while, like every 5 months or so. I started to troll people because I realized I could use them as a source of entertainment, since they would believe anything fake I sent them and send me real photos and videos of themselves, and after that me and my friends would just mock them for their stupidity and the fact that they were sending explicit photos to complete strangers online. I guess another factor was the fact that I don't get to talk to boys or get in contact due to my situation and living environment, and the excitement and adrenaline of engaging in something new was thrilling for me. My mom is aware that I troll people from time to time, and she is a really open-minded woman when it comes to topics like sex or sexuality, but I don't know how to approach this with her. I can't tell anyone else either, because I'm scared of getting slut shamed. Should I leave this until everything calms down and then tell her? How can I deal with the guilt and move on? I'm just relieved that I didn't share my face or any personal information about myself. Maybe I should just avoid that bot for a while and work on myself, like taking care of myself and meditating

[Heather]

Thanks for being so honest and filling me in.

I do want to say something first that I'd like you to think about: I don't think that the kind of trolling you have been doing is harmless. I think that it's not good for you (or anyone) to marinate in wanting to make other people feel stupid or bad -- that just isn't something likely to be good for your mental health or overall well-being. I also think it's cruel to do what you have been doing to people, and perhaps, feeling how you are now, you can imagine how some of what you have been doing has made others feel.

Please know that I don't say any of this to make you feel guilty or bad: that's not my aim or my hope. I don't want you to feel bad. Rather, I'm hoping that what I'm saying here and the experience you're having might grow some empathy in you and get you thinking about how doing things like this, things centered in dishonesty and mocking, just really isn't good for anyone. Being bored won't hurt you or anyone else: boredom is temporary. But I think this kind of behavior is honestly bad for everyone, both the doers and the done-to, on top of our world as a whole. If you're open to it, I'd absolutely be down to brainstorm some other things you might consider doing when you're bored that aren't....well, so mean, whether that's exploring medication, if that is of interest to you, or any number of other things. I hope you not only avoid this bot for a while, I really hope you stop doing this altogether. I think you'd benefit from that choice, I think everyone benefits from that choice. <3

I feel like the best thing someone can do with guilt around something like this is to take it as a sign that what you've been doing is clearly not good for you or others, let these feelings come and then go, and then just use it to inform your choices moving forward. If you change your habits moving forward, I feel pretty certain those bad feelings will pass in time. In the meantime, the good news is that while it doesn't feel good to feel this way, they are only feelings, and they can't actually do you harm. Feelings also always pass.

Since it doesn't sound like anything you shared of yourself was something that could identify you, it sounds to me like if you just leave all of this (and clear any traces of it from the hardware you were using) and don't look back, you're probably not in any danger at this point. Does that sound right to you?

Per talking to your mom about this, what would you want in a conversation from her? Are you looking for her to help you be or feel safe, to help you work through your feelings about it, for absolution...? I think figuring out when and if we should talk to someone about something is usually helped most by starting with a clear sense of what we want from that conversation.

[Wekokxi_7]

Thank you so much for answering me. I'm really grateful for your guidance and advices<3

At first, I only started to use the bot for fun and to talk to other people, but I immediately found out that 99% of people who were on the bot were unemployed creeps. My first mistake was to engage with these conversations, not only it is problematic in general, but it was a bad decision for my own mental health, especially since I've been dealing with porn addiction for years in different ways. At the time, I didn't see the problem to be mean towards them since they were all creeps, and after reading your reply, I realized how mean my actions were. I don't excuse my behavior, and there is definitely no justification for my actions. My first mistake was the fact that I didn't stop chatting before I fell deeper into the rabbit hole, but at the time, I didn't think much of it. I should've just stopped chatting and blocked the bot as soon as I realized how many creeps and weirdos were on the bot. Who knows, maybe I could've ended up doing something worse than just sending those photos and videos, or more serious and dangerous stuff such as grooming could've potentially happened to me. I've calmed down and I've managed to move forward from the events, especially since I'm at ease that I didn't share my face or any information about myself, and have deleted any trace related to the event on my device. But overall, now that I'm thinking, the stunt I've pulled was not the best thing to do. For someone who values people's emotions and feels great empathy towards them, this was a very out of character and cheap move to do in general.

To answer your question about my mom, I guess I just want to let her know about what I've done, and let her know that I feel sorry and ashamed for betraying her trust and lowering my own value and morals.

I've learned from my mistakes, and im not going to repeat them again. The only things I'm worried about are my current self image, how would people react if somehow this gets exposed and how this could potentially affect my future relationships. I'm living in a place where people get slut shamed for the smallest things, and I'm worried that I might get called names if this secret gets exposed, even though I'm planning to take this secret to grave with me

Again, thank you so much for reading and answering everything question I've had so far patiently.

[Heather]

You know, whether people are unemployed or not is often outside their control. Again, I urge you to try to be kinder and gentler with people, okay?

It sounds like you're reckoning with yourself here, which is just going to be a process, and like you also don't have to worry about your safety. Unfortunately, there's nothing you or anyone can do to spare you any name-calling if this is discovered, because as you know from your own participation in these kinds of ugly dynamics, the culture of all this can be such that people can just be mean and brutal. I certainly hope that doesn't happen to you (or anyone), but I can also say as someone who has been slut-shamed on a sometimes massive scale that while it really does suck, it is also survivable. But how about we just hope for the best on that for now, and cross that bridge if and when you come to it?

In terms of talking to your Mom, what I'm hearing is that you want to unburden yourself of this as a secret, and you want to take some responsibility for your behavior to someone you are close to and know you're safe to tell. It certainly sounds like your mom and your relationship with her are such that you can do that.

And you're welcome.

[Wekokxi_7]

Thank you for the support and advices you've given me during this time. I've been doing alright, and can say I've moved forward. It was my own fault for participating in such dynamics, but what had happened cannot be reversed. I've learned my lesson. I should take responsibility for what I did and move forward, because it was my own choice to continue despite knowing the potential dangers and consequences. I might've chosen the wrong way to word my sentences, but what I meant by calling them 'unemployed' was to just give you the impression of how much of a creep most of these people were. But at the end, my own actions weren't the wisest either. I was the one who chose to continue, and I take full responsibility for it.

I'm grateful for your support and guidance, and thank you so much for answering me with honesty and without judgment

[Heather]

You're welcome. I do just want to remind you that you're only 15 years old. This does tend to be a phase of life when a lot of our big fuckups happen, and the good news is that much of the time, that's a good thing. I think it sounds like you're doing a great job taking responsibility, too. I'm glad I was able to help. <3