e-sex and long distance stuff

[rockloverluka]

so i have an online girlfriend (15) and i'm 13 (14 in a month), and we've been together almost a year

tonight we got on a voice call and masturbated with our microphones on together (though our cameras were OFF, obviously) and i'm starting to feel really oddly guilty about it??

i had a good time, and she told me she did too. we set boundaries and made sure everything was okay beforehand, but i still feel weird about it and i don't exactly know why

something in my head is telling me i did something wrong, i dunno. just want to know if i'm in the wrong or if it's normal or. whatever. yeah

[Latha]

Hi Rockloverluka!

I want to assure you that you haven’t done anything wrong. It is okay to have phone sex with a partner, and it sounds like you two went about it in a safe and considerate way. Both of you had a good time — well done!

Do you think these feelings of guilt could be coming from a general sense that you did something… forbidden, or something you need to stay quiet about? Do you feel uncertain because this is an online relationship, and people generally talk about them in terms of them being unsafe?

[rockloverluka]

yeah, growing up i was always told that online relationships are bad and sex is bad and blah blah blah
also my parents don't know anything about this relationship or my sex life or really.. anything about me, because i'm scared to tell them.

i feel really safe in my relationship though, so i don't think it's that.
i've always been told that sex was some horrible forbidden thing that will inevitably end with you sad, but i'm trying to stop thinking like that because i wanna be more open about it

(sorry if my grammar or word choice is weird i just woke up)

[KierC]

Hey rockloverluka! I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here!

I am really glad to hear that you’ve found yourself in a relationship where you feel safe and can express boundaries and consent. I agree with Latha, it sounds like you’re aware of internet safety and are taking steps to ensure your safety while enjoying your relationship.

Though, I am sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling like it’s wrong or shameful after the fact. Growing up in a household that isn’t accepting of sex and sexuality can certainly impact the way you feel exploring sex and sexuality for yourself, and I see that you’ve identified this as a source of that shame/negative feeling. When you think about your parents’ views about sex and relationships, is there a counterpoint you have to it that might help to remind yourself? For example, when I think about the idea that sex is bad or that folks out there might have a negative or judgmental view of sex and sexuality, I like to remind myself of all the instances I see, both in my own life and in my environment, where sex and sexuality are good, pleasurable, and bring joy. I also want to send you this article that has more ideas about undoing sexual shame:

- This article has a great section on sexual shame from family: Sex Goddess Blues: Overcoming Sexual Shame.
- This article provides practical suggestions for how to overcome feelings of sexual shame: Undoing Sexual Shame.

I’ll stop there for now, but how do you feel after hearing all that?