pregnancy scare ??

[tvrbvlnc]

hi,
2 weeks ago my boyfriend and i didnt have penetrative sex, and he never inserted or finished inside of me at all but we were on top of each other with no clothes on. i’m just worried if any pre-cum got in me, because my period is 3 days late and i’m a bit worried. a couple days (like 2 days) after we did this i took a pregnancy test and it came out negative, but i’m worried that was too soon. some help would really be appreciated

[tvrbvlnc]

i also took a test today, which turned out negative. i’m seriously worried,.

[Heather]

Hi there.

Since you now have two negative tests, what you can know is that you are not pregnant. That also is a given since you haven't had the kind of sex that could have created a pregnancy in the first place.

The standard deviation when it comes to menstrual cycles is about 3 days. In other words, from cycle to cycle, it's most typical for cycles to vary by around three days each time, which is why, medically speaking, periods aren't even considered late until they are at least five days later than expected. It's also common for periods to be late if and when someone has been under a lot of stress, like the kind of worry you have been having.

The best thing you can likely do for yourself right now is to try and do what you can to stop focusing on this and calm yourself down. It also sounds like you clearly weren't comfortable doing what you did with your boyfriend, so how about having a talk with him to sort out what you do feel safe and comfortable doing so that you can avoid a scare like this in the future?

[tvrbvlnc]

hi, thanks so much.
i will have a talk about it with him, i’m not the type of person to crave sexual intimacy ALL the time but it seems like he is, and i have a hard time bringing this up in conversation. any tips on how to do this?

[Heather]

Sure, I'm happy to help you with this.

Sexual communication is one of those things that feels awkward when it's new, when you're not used to it, or when it's not yet part of a relationship. But it's also one of those things where you just need to let it feel awkward when it does, and get more and more practice so that it can feel easier and easier, and more and more comfortable to do.

This article covers a lot of ground I think will he helpful for you: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner.

That your partner wants sex all the time doesn't ever mean you or any other partner he may have should feel like that means you need to be sexual with him just because or always when he wants it. Sex with partners is sex that only happens when everyone involved wants it, for themselves as much as a partner, when everyone involved wants it and feels up for it (including feeling okay about any actual or perceived risk involved), and made of whatever sexual activities everyone involved wants and feels comfortable with, including the *way* they want to engage in that sex, based on things like what feels good and what precautions or limits anyone may want.

Have you two yet talked at all about the way you are being sexual together? If not, I'd start by just saying you'd like some time to talk about sex with him. You can start by talking about how you just need to be able to talk together about it more, and how that includes consenting -- each of you asking each other if you want to do things first rather than just doing them. You can also say that some things feel too scary for you and say whatever those are. You can also mention that it feels like you two don't have the same wants when it comes to how often you're sexual together, and ask to talk about finding a frequency that feels more right to you rather than being solely or mostly based on his wants. That'd be a big first talk to start with, so that might be all you get to talk about that first time, but you can close this conversation by saying you want to get in the habit of talking more and hope to talk again soon.

I do just want to check in with you, though: what do YOU want when it comes to sex with your boyfriend? Are there some things you do want to do and feel comfortable doing for yourself as much as for him? If not, then it might be this needs to be a pretty different talk 9and we can talk about that, too, if so).

[tvrbvlnc]

i honestly dont know what i want when it comes to sex.. i guess just make me feel loved? its weird, i’ve never talked about anything sex related or really thought about it before - when it comes to intimacy i normally think of and like cuddling together while watching a movie or something of the sort. also, could my late period be due to late ovulation? i actually cant remember at what point i ovulated this month.

[Heather]

I have something that is a very helpful tool with things like this. It can help give you an idea of the array of things you could do, so you can think about all of them and get an idea of what you actually want: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist.

I think that it's useful to know that one thing you want from sex with a partner is to feel loved, and that's a good thing to be able to share with them. But you'll also need to be able to tell a partner things like what actionable ways of being sexual you do and don't want to try, as well as things like HOW you want to do anything you're doing when you're actually about to or actively doing things: for instance, do you want them to touch you more softly or more quickly? If the way they are doing something feel painful, what adjustments will you ask for?

If you two haven't yet talked about any of this, that also suggests to me you aren't doing consenting together, and that's never good, because consent is really important. It's basically the cornerstone of sexual communication with another person. Has your boyfriend not asked you if he can do things like the activity you came here posting about, but is instead just doing them and then just seeing if you say anything? If so, that's not a good setup for consent or sexual communication nor anything that will lead to a sexual life together you both actually want and enjoy. Do you also want some information on how to do consent?

It does sound like you might not yet actually WANT to do anything sexual. I'm hearing you say that what you're interested in right now is affection, not sex. Does that sound right?

Per your period, yes, it could be, but you also likely have no accurate idea of when you ovulate unless you chart things like your basal temperatures or your cervical mucus daily. Period tracking apps that claim they can accurately predict ovulation are making false claims: a period just isn't enough information to predict ovulation with well. On top of that, again, thee days later than expected isn't actually a late period yet: that's still within the standard deviation.

[tvrbvlnc]

yeah, i’m really not big on sex right now..it’s moreso affection i’m looking for. i just don’t know how to communicate what i want ; it might change or it just feels awkward to convey in words. he has asked and i did say yes, but the panic i felt for the past couple weeks post this has made me a bit standoffish about any kind of sex..i’m just not used to communicating and someone accommodating to what i want, its always been me doing that and thats all i’ve really ever known.

[Heather]

I'm really sorry to hear that, and I also really hope that maybe today can be the start of some real change with that.

It sounds like the first conversation, then, that you really need to have is to express exactly this: that for right now, you aren't interested in sex, you'd like to focus on and stick with things that are more about affection. Do you feel able to open a conversation that starts there with your boyfriend? Do you expect that if you do he will be able to hear and accept that and work with you to create a relationship and what you do in it that is a better fit for what *you* actually want and feel ready for and not what you don't?

[tvrbvlnc]

i mean i could try..
my period still hasn’t come, and worse still i saw a tiktok about a lady that had consecutive negative tests for 16 days of her missed period then started having positive results - this is NOT helping my case as a chronic overthinker at all.

[Heather]

That person very clearly started taking tests too early or wasn’t taking them properly. Please don’t look on social media for stuff around this, it’s mostly misleading garbage, like so much of social media.

I think focusing on the ACTUAL issue here — you doing things sexually you don’t even want to and there being little to no communication in your relationship about sex — is a much, much better use of your time and energy.

[tvrbvlnc]

it’s hard to, but i’m trying. it’s just my period had never been this late before, and even though i KNOW i logically can’t be pregnant, it’s just that fear and anxiety that i cant stop … i don’t know how to stop thinking about it cause there’s too many what ifs.

[mikky]

When I was a young kid, before my class would go on a field trip, our teacher would set up expectations for us and give us a chance to ask questions. The questions were usually formed as “what ifs,” and they’d start out pretty easy to answer- like, what if it rains? But then the next kid would think of a new what if that was more creative, like, “what if it rains so much that the street floods and then a shark comes swimming down the street?” My teacher banned what if questions after a few months of this, because the “what if” game can go on forever.

When I am anxious, I think of my anxiety like these classmates, constantly trying to outdo the last question with another one. No amount of logic or reassurance is really going to work, and the more I engage with these types of questions, the more creative my anxiety is going to get with the next one.

You know, logically, you can’t be pregnant. Engaging with the anxiety is probably not going to make you feel much better. Is there something that usually gets you out of your brain? Maybe an art project, time outside, music, friends? When we disengage with an anxious thought, it loses its fuel.

[tvrbvlnc]

i am going away for the weekend with a friend so there’s that. i find it hard to disengage with any anxious thoughts in general to be honest.

[HannahP]

Hi there tvrbvlnc! I know what you mean, those anxious thoughts can be really loud and convincing.

I want to offer you this article we have about pregnancy anxiety: You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You Think You Are? I think you might find it pretty relatable. How about you read it and tell me if any of the options in the "Why might you think you’re pregnant when you’re not?" section feel like they fit you? Then we can talk through the suggestions in the article for how to manage it. Does that sound okay?

[tvrbvlnc]

i started spotting (brown discharge and then pink discharge when i wiped) plus my stomach is kind of cramping - i dont know if thats normal since the pink discharge doesnt really happen to me. the brown discharge has happened once or twice.i cant get my hands on a pregnancy test. i’m starting to feel unsure whether nothing was inserted into me. all i know is no ejaculate went in or around my vagina.

[tvrbvlnc]

i think my period is really light im scared its implantation bleeding for whatever reason.

[Sofi]

Hi there, did you get a chance to read the article Hannah sent? It's in our policy that we can't continue to reassure you since you're clearly not pregnant. We can help you with the anxiety around it, but that's it. Here's that part of the policy:

"For those who come in with pregnancy⁠ scares who, based on what they have told us, absolutely could not be or become pregnant, or who otherwise are not or have not been directly involved with an actual pregnancy: we are happy to talk with you, but we will not engage in ongoing or repeat conversations to validate that you or a partner are not pregnant, nor explain repeatedly how pregnancy can or can’t occur."

[tvrbvlnc]

hi, the webpage wouldn’t load. it’s just really scary because i don't know what’s going on with my body and it hasn’t seemed normal for the past few days..

[Sofi]

As Heather said, it's common for menstrual cycles to variate because of things like hormonal changes and stress being a big one. Discharge isn't abnormal, and sometimes our body is just off in some way and there's more or less of it, that's okay. I'm more worried about you saying you're feeling unsure if nothing was inserted in you. Is this just something you said because of the anxiety, or actually something you're worried happened without you knowing?

[tvrbvlnc]

i dont know if it’s anxiety or genuine uncertainty. my boyfriend said he was 100% sure that he never inserted himself in. i know for a fact that he never ejaculated in me or around anywhere that could get me pregnant. this is really giving me so much anxiety, i’ve already had a panic attack

[Sofi]

Can you please try to load the article we sent again? It contains reasons you might have this anxiety, and steps to take to manage it. It'll be really helpful for you to look through it and let us know your thoughts so we can help you better from there.

[tvrbvlnc]

i will try. but is it possible to help me understand why i might be bleeding really lightly at this time?

[Sofi]

There are several different factors that could lead to spotting, such as hormonal fluctuations, or stress. The stress you're under right now, worrying about pregnancy, could very well be what led to the spotting, which is why earlier we suggested to focus on talking to your boyfriend about intimacy rather than pregnancy (since you're NOT pregnant). Implantation bleeding is actually fairly rare, while spotting due to something else is fairly common. I can't give you an exact answer as to why it's happening to you right now, but the stress might be the culprit, so it's important to try taking your mind off this and working on easing the anxiety around it rather than seeking reassurance, which just continues the cycle of anxiety.