my vibrator turned out to be... practically useless?

[milesthewitch]

hi so, I have been actively masturbating for many years now, and largely it has been... okay, atleast at getting the job done, atleast more than the rare sexual experiences ive had, where i had to fake climaxing lol. but ive been frustrated for a while at my lack of enjoyment in the experience, like its just something i do to get it out of the way. so i got a bullet vibrator for myself, thinking it will make it easier or more pleasurable and easy on my arms hehe, like how they show how life changing it is for women in movies, but it... basically did nothing for me. infact it made the entire area go numb that i couldnt orgasm by my own hands even. am i the only one? is there a particular method? helpppp

[KierC]

Hi Milesthewitch, and welcome to the boards! I’m so glad you’ve found us here.

I am so sorry to hear you’ve been having these less-than-pleasurable experiences with masturbation and partnered sex; I know it’s so frustrating when you want to feel good, and the actual experience doesn’t line up with those expectations. I want you to know, first, that you are totally not alone here. We talk to folks here about lack of enjoyment with masturbation and partnered sex quite frequently, so you are definitely not alone! We’re here with you and we’re happy to discuss this with you.

It sounds like, while you’re sometimes able to orgasm through masturbation, it isn’t the most pleasurable or enjoyable experience for you, and is something you find yourself doing to get out of the way. So I can understand a bit better, when you approach masturbation, would you say you feel relaxed and aroused, or do you feel a bit tense or stressed? I ask because oftentimes it can be difficult to feel pleasure when you’re feeling stressed, tense, or just not very aroused.

I also hear what you’re saying about how movies portray women’s orgasms (particularly with a vibrator or sex toy) as completely mind-blowing. Media can definitely set up unrealistic expectations for what sexual response and pleasure looks like. In reality, sexual response and orgasm can look very different person-to-person, and experience-to-experience. Certainly, orgasms can be mind-blowing sometimes! But not everyone experiences them that way. Too, sometimes folks can experience orgasms that are really strong sometimes, and a bit less intense other times. That doesn’t mean that the less intense orgasms are any less important or less pleasurable than the stronger ones. It’s just a different experience, in my opinion! How does that all sound to you, though?

With regard to the numbness you’re experiencing with the bullet vibrator, I’m wondering if the vibration might be a bit too intense. Would you say it felt painful?

One last note: I hear you that you feel like you have to fake an orgasm during sex. Would you like to talk a bit more about that, or why you feel like you have to fake an orgasm? We’re here for support if you’d like to talk about that too.

[milesthewitch]

thank you for this! thats so kind...

I generally do it when im either bored, frustrated and sometimes aroused too, but when its that i end up feeling not great because i always end up wishing i was intimate with someone and feel rather lonely. But it does make me a bit relieved to hear that varying intensities doesnt mean there's something wrong <3
and OH GOD. ur right. i assumed that maybe it was not strong enough at first, not knowing what to expect, but that does sound like it may have been too strong (considering i havent felt any arousal in the past couple of days since using it!)
About the sexual experience, i think it was a one time 'i would rather get this out of the way because its not too enjoyable' sort of thing, and with that i realised that communication abiut whats too much or not enough is necessary if i wanna enjoy.. we're not together anymore so im okay, but thank you for asking anyway.

This was actually very insightful. I feel so supported and understood for real I'm glad i came here on this forum

[Heather]

I want to also add that *how* we use toys influences how they feel.

A lot of people, when they first try to use vibrators, press them hard into their bodies. That often results in that feeling of numbness you described. You might see what happens if you hold the bullet so it is so very barely touching your clitoral hood, first, and see how that feels. If that feels better, you can explore from there, being very gradual about how much of your clitoris you are touching it with, and how much pressure you are applying.