Fictional characters

[Skybushh]

Hello,

I haven’t asked a question here in a while but I’ve had a question on my mind for a bit and I don’t know how to feel about it. I’ve been with my partner for a long time and I’m happy with them. But sometimes I find myself being attracted, not romantically but elsewhere, to fictional characters. I try to push it away for the most part, because I worry it’s cheating to fantasize or look at a fictional character. I don’t know the exact boundaries in my relationship when it comes to, fantasy and self-ya know. So I always try to avoid it at all. But lately I’ve been trying to be more accepting of myself in this area. I guess I’m wondering if I’m wrong to want to indulge in this attraction or if I’m overthinking it. Or if I should have a conversation with my partner about it instead of making a decision myself. I have no desire to be disloyal to my partner or make them feel less than because of this. I just know I’ve always had a, shameful relationship with myself in this area and have been trying to figure it all out.

[mikky]

Hi Skybushh, good to have you here.
Reading this post, and looking at your post history, I'm noticing that you've put a lot of pressure on yourself to police your thoughts and fantasies. I worry for how much restriction you are putting on your thoughts, which tends to make thoughts even louder!

I want to quote something our staff Andy said to you in your last post here:

As for feeling guilt about your fantasies, you are certainly not alone in that. There is so much stigma and shame around sex and sexuality in our society that a lot of it steeps even into our fantasies. But here we believe that actions are what affects us and our relationships, not thoughts and fantasies and that these can’t hurt anyone even if they contain things we would never want or could do in real life. So for example, fantasizing about someone who is not your partner, or looking at their picture for the matter, doesn’t mean you are somehow betraying your partner even if you are in a monogamous relationship. Does that make sense?

Since your last post, have you felt any closer to accepting that?

In terms of having a discussion with your partner, as I see it, there should be no "boundaries" in a relationship around fantasy, only reality. I read that previously, your partner had communicated they were only comfortable with you masturbating if it was to them, is that still the case?

[Skybushh]

They have no intention of controlling my thoughts. That’s mostly been a struggle with myself but I have been working on it. I would say I’m closer to accepting it. I guess the exact thing I’m asking about in this case is the things that cause those thoughts. I know it isn’t wrong to be attracted to anything, real or not, but I don’t have an idea when it comes to indulging it. If it’s a real person I avoid any images, or obviously looking inappropriately. But when it comes to fictional people, I don’t know how to feel when I come across an image that I feel attracted to. Is it wrong to look at it for more than a glance like it is for real people? Or is it alright to, enjoy the images? Is it a question I should be asking my partner or is it a decision I get to make for myself?

[Tara]

Hi, Skybushh:

I will chime in here. I agree with previous staff/volunteer responses, including Mikky's, that it seems you police your thoughts and mind pretty tightly. On the one hand, I admire your loyalty and devotion to your one partner within the monogamous parameters you have set with your partner. However, policing your thoughts and mind with regards to fictional characters, images, etc. is pretty extreme, given that as humans we are inherently creative, enjoy stories and art, and, hopefully, are sexual beings if that is what we choose/desire. I am going to be a bit blunt here in saying that I do not believe you are indulging in anything wrong as it pertains to your mongomous relationship. In fact, policing your instinctual feelings, desires, and creativity could be potentially harmful and could possibly result in resentment of yourself and partner if it turns into a habitual practice of shame, punishment, etc.

The reality is we live in a world filled with an abundance of creativity, art and sexual images that you are empowered to engage or not engage with, depending on what suits you and ideally would not cause harm to another. Art and fiction are avenues for engaging with our most creative and primal selves without actually having to perform the act in the real world. In my opinion, you are using art and fiction in a healthy way. If you feel that this is something that escalates, or is interfering with your real relationship, then you may want to check in with yourself, or talk with your partner, about how to manage it or about anything internal you feel like may be something you want to address in context of either the relationship you are in or the fantasies you have.

Really, I don't think you need to feel guilty or that you have done anything wrong. Your fantasies could even be a potential gateway or bridge to becoming closer to your partner if you choose.

[Skybushh]

Thank you for the response. It’s nice to think I don’t have to be ashamed of myself whenever I find something attractive. I was worried I was doing something wrong whenever I did, especially if I engaged at all. But it’s nice to know I can accept the feelings when they appear and maybe even utilize them.

[KierC]

Hi Skybushh!

I’m so glad what Tara said was helpful. You absolutely don’t have to be ashamed of yourself! <3 I’m glad you feel a bit better, and if you ever want to chat more about this you’re totally welcome here.

[Skybushh]

I have another question. I’ve been trying to accept everything that was said here. But I’m having trouble fully doing so. I haven’t mentioned anything to my partner because they’ve expressed before that they don’t want to hear it if it isn’t about them. It kinda feels like I’m hiding it from them and I worry about that being an issue. I have no intention of worrying them or causing any problems.

[maille]

Hi, Skybushh!

We haven't chatted previously, but I hope it is okay that I hop in here. I identify a lot with the way you think, policing your thoughts as other people have put it. It can be tough to demand so much of ourselves, and even tougher when someone we care for is involved.

I get the impression that some of your worry comes from how your partner would feel about this and whether to share with them about it or not. It is very clear that you care deeply about them and wish them no harm. It sounds like you said previously that they have expressed wishes that if it is not about them, then they wouldn't like to hear. I think by being receptive to their wishes you are doing all the right things.

How does it feel to hear that you are respecting their boundary and that that is enough? If they react poorly to you helping them uphold their own boundary, that sounds a little in opposition to what they have shared with you in the past, don't you think?

[Skybushh]

I believe that’s true. I guess I worry if I haven’t gotten explicit proof that it’s okay. That’s why I wonder if I should have had a conversation. But I am worried about how they would feel about it. I do understand their opinion and don’t want to break down any trust that I should’ve upheld. I tend to overthink things.

[maille]

Would you feel comfortable sharing this info with your partner if they seemed receptive to it? If so, maybe we can work on wording how to broach the subject with them and gauge their interest.

[Skybushh]

I’m a bit anxious to do so but I feel like I should. I like to be transparent with them. I have no idea how to say it in a way that isn’t self-incriminating however. That’s typically how I tell people things. I don’t mean to be specific about anything because I know they prefer not to hear it. But the general topic.

[maille]

I think anxiety makes since, and if you aren't a 100 percent on it, we can wait to make any decisions. Just for now, know that you are doing the best thing with the information you have been given. Your partner does not want to hear about it if it does not involve them, and so you are making a choice not to share.

[Skybushh]

If I do decide to try and speak about it. Is there a way you would suggest doing so?

[maille]

Do you think maybe asking them to clarify their boundaries would be helpful and reassuring to you? Maybe you could say or text something like, "Remember that time you said you do not want to hear about it unless it was with you? Does that still feel true of you?". That feels like a safe opening that does not force anyone into a certain response.

How does that sound to you?

[Skybushh]

That does sound like a good open question. Better than any kind of statement. Do you mean it as an, opener? Like I only mention it if they say they’re comfortable. I just want to gauge if I’m breaching anything.

[maille]

Yeah, as an opener. If they do not want to take the conversation any further, then I think it would be best to respect that and move forward knowing you made a choice considering and honoring both of your feelings.

[Skybushh]

I remember this being stated earlier, but I think I struggle with the idea that there are no boundaries with fantasy. I completely understand that people are allowed to have whatever thoughts they want or do. But I guess when it comes to looking at art that feels more like reality. So it could be something that crosses a boundary?

[Andy]

Hi there Skybushh, nice to see you here again!

As I see it, the line isn’t exactly between "fantasy" and "reality", it is more about whether it involves and affects other people. So for example while showing someone explicit art or sharing fantasies without their consent wouldn’t be okay, having those fantasies or looking at that art on your own doesn’t affect anyone but you so I don’t see a need for boundaries there. Does that make sense?

[Skybushh]

I think that does make sense. Thank you for clarifying.

[Andy]

Glad to hear it was helpful!