I don't know how to get over this guy.

[ratherslowseal]

I spent like an hour crafting an ask and then forgot to paste the text before I copy-pasted something else after submitting it sooo it's gone now unless it gets answered. So I will relate an abbreviated version instead. Or, try my best to.

We connected online last July (I will clarify that I was 18 at the time--and, for the record, he was 21). I was lonely and sexually frustrated. I just wanted some kind of connection, even if the intimacy was quite superficial.

He was very sweet and amiable and so handsome. I didn't really know what it felt like to be so attracted to someone until I saw him. Like, I've experienced what probably amounts to aesthetic attraction towards a few men before, but this was on an absolutely incomparable scale. He was exactly my type in a way that I didn't even expect. My attraction was far from un-reciprocated. We also quickly discovered that we were very sexually compatible (at least for our purposes).

From late July to September (and more sparingly in October) we exchanged messages and photos semi-regularly, often going a couple weeks in-between. The waiting nearly pained me, I desperately wanted to get to know him, though I never expressed it. He apologized for his absences and told me that he was "busy" (which I would later learn was completely dishonest). I took him at face value and figured that he had his own life, responsibilities, struggles, etc., and I am not owed his time if he can't or doesn't want to give it to me.

He messaged me for the last time before disappearing for the whole winter in late October. After going maybe about a month (?) since his previous message, I was absolutely ecstatic to hear from him. I wasn't even home at the time, but my attention was glued to my phone anyways. He made me blush so hard, I could feel my face heat up. I told him this. I'm not sure if he knew quite how much of an effect he had on me.

Through the winter, my feelings waned without contact, but I still had moments of very intense feeling for him. Sometimes I would get a little teary at just how much I wanted to feel his body against mine.

My gigantic crush on him came raging back in March of this year, when he messaged me after recognizing me in a photo I had posted. I wondered why he hadn't contacted me, but I didn't want to pry. He asked me if I was still interested in talking. Of course I was. We resumed exchanging fantasies and photos. Only, this time, we breached more personal, casual topics. This only made me more invested. But his expressions of interest and his elusive behavior continued. This confused and frustrated me. In late June, after weeks of deliberation, I sent him a message expressing my feelings: that he confused me and that I wanted to know what was going on in his head, and that I harbored very intense feelings for him and was absolutely clueless as to how he felt. I do not know if he had any knowledge or involvement in what happened next.

Not a week later I received a message from... his partner (who I had no idea existed, if that isn't clear). Of nearly three years. Who apologized for the emotions he caused me and informed me that he is a manipulative porn addict who, at the very least, struggles with forming and maintaining human connection. Suddenly everything made sense and fell into place. I suspect that when he told me he was "busy" he was either a) with his partner and/or b) trying to suppress and avoid his maladaptive porn usage. But that is just my conjecture.

Receiving their message was sickening. For a while that night I couldn't stop shaking. I was disgusted. But at the same time I felt overwhelming pity for him. How sad do you have to be to stoop so low and treat people this way? Not even just me, but his partner (or, ex-partner now, I guess), who had been in his life for at least about three years. I hope he has it in him to change. I hope he has it in him to apologize to them, the person who deserves his apology the most.

Maybe that's why I keep thinking about him, even after I've been free of his memory for most of the time since I got the news. Maybe it's because I am disturbed by his actions, behaviors, and apparent lack of remorse. It's the lack of remorse that disturbs me the most.

But I am also being haunted by my fantasies of what I thought could have been, of what I wanted between us, before I learned about him. Because I know they were on false grounds. They could never have happened. Of course this is coupled with lingering attraction to him, or, at least, memory of that attraction, of what it felt like to be so infatuated with him. It's not something I had ever felt before him. Why would I want to give up the memory of a man who once made my entire abdomen flutter?

I talked to two different friends all about it right after it happened. I'm not sure what there is left to process. I'm just so over it.

[Latha]

Hello and welcome, Ratherslowseal! Agh, I’m sorry you lost your post—hopefully we’ll be able to cover any missed information in the course of our conversation.

And I’m sorry to hear that this guy led you on, and that you had to find out so abruptly. What terrible news! It does sound like you are approaching this very reasonably: you know that the fault is all his, you are giving yourself time to feel your feelings about what happened, and you’ve relied on the support of friends to work through this.

You say that you are haunted by the sense of what could have been between the two of you. I wonder if it’s particularly strong because this is the first time you’ve felt this way. I think it is essentially certain that you will meet other people who will make you feel just as good — people who don’t leave you feeling uncertain as this guy did over months. Would it help to remind yourself of that?

Would you like advice about dealing with these feelings and moving on? To start, we do have an article about breakups that might be useful. I also like this article from another site that discusses some practical steps you can take to manage misguided feelings of love and affection.

(As an aside, we do not usually use the framework of addiction to describe someone’s use of pornography. This isn’t to say that his partner was wrong about him being manipulative and distant in his relationships. I only mean that, when we look into it, watching pornography isn’t usually the cause of this kind of behavior.)

[ratherslowseal]

Thank you for your article suggestions, Latha (also--I have no idea if I am replying correctly, or if it is even possible to reply to specific people on this site, apologies if I'm not doing this right).

You are, of course, completely right that I will meet people who will make me feel just the same as he did (and who treat me leagues better). It might be worth mentioning that I was already halfway over him (or at least, had processed my feelings about that I *thought* was going on between us) by the time I received that message from his (ex) partner. I simply thought he wasn't all that interested and/or had other things going on (which was true, in a way), but his behavior still perplexed me, so I resolved that I would come clean about my thoughts and feelings to him and let him take it whatever way he would. But it's like, after getting their message, that all of that mulling over and consideration about how to open up to him and move forward (with or without him) was completely null. I had to see him and my own feelings in an entirely different light and start the process anew, on different terms.

I found both articles very helpful. The one on breakups made me consider something. After I had that brief exchange with his (ex) partner, I blocked him on the platform we had been messaging on. I didn't want to hear anything from him afterwards, and I didn't think I would. Keeping his messages around was just a sure way for me to keep re-reading and ruminating on them. So I didn't. But now, I'm wondering if it would benefit me to write out all of my lingering thoughts, mull it over, and maybe--*maybe*--contact him. Even if I decide against it, I think the process could serve me. Hand-writing does a very good job of getting the cogs in your brain to start turning. Either I will find some kind of resolution through writing about what continues to disturb me (specifically my uncertainty of whether he feels guilt or remorse for his actions, or if he even acknowledges them), or I will reach a point where my remaining thoughts are so distilled that I can bring them to him with clarity.

And I will certainly be revisiting the other article you sent and working through it's suggestions. Practical steps are exactly what I need. There is only so much listening to your favorite angry/sad/cathartic albums and songs while pacing around in the dark can do.

I apologize for my unclear language when I referred to it as an "addiction". I should have clarified, but I believe it was implied (by his (ex) partner, but this could also just be conjecture) that he essentially turned to pornography in order to falsely fulfill his need/desire for human connection. I won't speculate on why this is, I have no idea.

Thank you again.

[Tara]

ratherslowseal, I am so glad Latha's words and article recommendations have been helpful for you. I agree that sometimes objective information can be very grounding and help us take practical next steps. Please let us know if there's anything else we can help with!

[ratherslowseal]

I think I've come to the conclusion (or, can now recognize) that only in forgiving him and recognizing the pain (of whatever origin) that he hides can I have "closure". But this leads me to wondering something else: must one verbalize their forgiveness to the person that wronged them in order to forgive them? I don't think so. But does that mean that I shouldn't (present my forgiveness)? I'm not sure. If I can show someone compassion and potentially inspire even a spark of compassion for themselves... shouldn't I? Obviously the presence or absence of a positive effect isn't the determinant of whether I should do so or not, ultimately it is only oneself who can make that choice. But, ah, I don't know... I feel sad for him. Maybe I'm not being honest with myself and I just desperately want to search for the capability to do good in him. Or maybe I'm not fooling myself...? Though I don't think one excludes the other.

[Anya]

Hi ratherslowseal,

It's definitely a tough question. I hear that you feel conflicted regarding a formal statement of forgiveness (whether mental to yourself or verbal to him). I think you're right in thinking that verbal forgiveness isn't always necessary, especially when it seems like a bulk of your lingering feeling around this might have to do with being able to let things go for yourself. My question to you is, what do you feel would come of letting him know you forgive him? Is it the hope that your words might influence his actions going forward? I know youve already referenced thinking about these things, so sorry for being redundant, but as much as I wish I could just tell you the answer, it is, at the end of the day, up to you to decide your own actions. Confiding in others, friends or family can also help in making these kind of decisions. What do you think might be best for your own wellbeing?

What I will say, is that forgiveness and kindness to yourself is I think your best first move. Being conpassionate to yourself in moments like this not only can help with feelings of closure, but practice trusting yourself and intution. Especially when it comes to overthinking or intrusive thoughts about "what could have been" it can be important to tell your brain, its ok, and that you have time to process this. I know in my own life, I tend to overthink when i'm trying to fall asleep. What has helped me is to say to myself, "I hear you, brain. I understand that you want to think of all the things that could have happened, or what I could do now to navigate it best. But right now is not the time to overthink, I can make time to process in the morning. Right now I need to focus on sleep (or whatever else)." And then when you have a friend or an hour to just vent to yourself, you can actually make time to go over all the things your mind wants to you think about. Does that make sense?

[ratherslowseal]

Anya,

Thank you for your response.

Understanding my hope as one to influence his own behaviors/actions isn't necessarily wrong, but I wouldn't explain it like that. Because I know that, even if I do express my forgiveness to him, I have no idea what that means to him (or anything at all). I can only forgive what he caused me, and this is minuscule in comparison to the pain he has caused his ex, and, ultimately, himself. But I can't assume what it means to him, or what it doesn't mean to him. I don't like assuming. My hope is that, if I show him compassion, even if there is just the slightest chance of inspiring compassion for himself, I think it's worth it. If my forgiveness has the slightest chance of meaning anything to him, I think it's worth it.

I wrote something out last night. It's not much, or, it doesn't look like much on paper. I'll go over it at least a few times. I can already think of a few revisions.

I did message a friend about it this morning. It helps that he knows about this guy already, I had talked to him about it not long after it all happened. I think, after sleeping on it, I am more sure in my thoughts and feelings, but I think he will be able to tell me if I am thinking about doing something that is actually quite stupid.

[maille]

ratherslowseal,

I am glad the responses here have benefited you!

I hear you saying that you hope if you lend him compassion, he will have some for himself. We have no way of knowing that this will turn out to be the case or that he is need of compassion from himself, as he has been described as manipulative. It seems like all your thoughts and actions are coming from a really kind, thoughtful and sincere place. You know your situation best, so I would just ask yourself what positives could come from reaching out and if you even think he would be receptive to your messaging.

Wishing you clarity!

[ratherslowseal]

maille,

Of course there is no way of knowing whether he would take my words to heart or not, and there is reason to speculate that he would not be inclined to do so. Maybe this is a bit stubborn of me, but, I think that is precisely the reason I have to try and see. I also think that it is exactly because of the behaviors that he has been alluded to exhibiting, as well as those which I have experienced, that demonstrate that he is in need of self-compassion.

I don't want to fall into the trap of ascribing too much importance to myself. Ultimately, it is only he who can allow and make himself change, and it certainly isn't one which would have come about in (barely) three months. But, for me, after that time where I have been able to (mostly) work through my messy feelings, I still feel for him in some way that I am not so sure how to describe. Nothing like before. Not sexual, not romantic. Just... human. We can only change ourselves, but that doesn't mean that other people and other things can't or don't have significance. I don't know why he would want to hear my words. I can't know, I am not in his head. But it is for the same reason that I cannot assume he won't listen to me. And even if he blocks me, or neglects to respond, or gives me some evasive non-response, then that would be an answer and a show of character as well. But I think it is worth the small chance that he might listen.

Apologies if I sound like a broken record at this point. I think I know what to do, I'm just waiting for the right time.

[KierC]

Hey ratherslowseal!

I’m glad that this has all been helpful. It sounds like you’re decided on messaging him, and I’m glad that you have that clarity. I’m wondering, though, if messaging him might just prolong this involvement with a guy who has a partner and has been described as manipulative. I’m also wondering what benefit this would provide you, you know? Did you end up asking your friend what they think about all this?