Wanting to masturbate but not knowing what to do

[Teenageboy]

I don't know if its the right sub to post on cause i am new here
I have been with my gf for 3 years
Before meeting my gf i recently came out as transman and have gone through top surgery
When i met my gf i knew that she is the one for me
She has supported me through my ups and downs in my transition
Now i have been on T for 2 months
And before being on T my libido was consistently high and after being on T my libido has significantly increased than before
In my pre transition years i used to masturbate alot as a way lf coping mechanism
When i told my gf about this she instantly said that you will not masturbate
I agreed but as my libido developed over the years i had strong urge to masturbate ( only the tdick)
My gf agreed on the fact that i will only masturbate to my tdick
It was sufficient for me before going on T
But after going on T my craving for finger myself has increased that i can't even get pleasure that i used to get from tdick alone
And me and my gf are in long distance and can't meet even for years
She says that if i finger myself she will not have any kind of sex with me befor having bottom surgery
And my mother is not convinced for bottom surgery yet
I don't know what to do
When we meet its just about her but i can satisfy seeing her satisfy but then too i get horny all the time thinking of her
What should I do?

[KierC]

Hi Teenageboy, and welcome to the boards! We’re so glad you’ve found us here.

I want to start by saying that there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting to masturbate in whatever way makes you feel good. Masturbation is normal and healthy! It’s also a normal and healthy thing you should be able to do alone, not controlled by someone else. So, if you’d like to try masturbating by fingering alone or in combination with your Tdick, that is totally okay to do.

It does strike me as concerning that your girlfriend says you cannot masturbate, and that the focus is entirely on her when you meet. It’s not okay for a partner to completely restrict another partner into not being allowed to masturbate, and it does strike me as more controlling if, when you meet, the focus is entirely on her. How does hearing that make you feel?

[Teenageboy]

Thanks KierC for responding
She is not controlling about other stuff like she has done everything for me
From convincing my mother to supporting me and handling me from my dysphoria
She made me feel good about my own skin
But on the other hand she knows how triggering my dysphoria is but after top surgery it has reduced
She is very nice girl and i don't want to break her trust
And on top she says she will breakup with me and i don't want to lose her
She says me to use sex toys but I can't use it cause i live with my sister and I can't hide it cause its like there is no spot to hide from her
I just want to see her happy and trusting me and still with me but i also want to have some fun of my own too

[Teenageboy]

I also want to add that she wants to do sexual stuff with me like for me but she is straight and not into lesbian sex so can't do that either cause i also haven't thought of my sexuality in that way so i am also straight
She wants to have piv sex but after my bottom surgery
I personally loves masturbation and sex but she sees relationship is far from only sex
Her views on relationship is that we have to support each other
She wants intimacy but more like emotional intimacy
She controls her urges cause she wants her first time of sex with me as fully myself
And about my vagina i am attracted to vaginas and the vulva region so when i see such thing with me for 24/7 its difficult to control but i do it for her sake

[char]

Hi Teenageboy, thank you for sharing more details with us, and I'm glad that Kier's response has been helpful

I agree with Kier; it is not okay for someone to be telling their partner that they should not masturbate, or they can only masturbate in certain ways. I'm happy to hear that she has helped you deal with your gender dysphoria. That said, her telling you what to do and not to do, as well as saying that she will break up with you if you do not follow what she says, is totally not okay.

I have some questions I'd like to ask to clear things up:
- In your first post, you mentioned that you masturbated as a coping mechanism. I wonder if you have discussed this with a mental health professional in the past? If you have, how did it go?
- I also wonder if you have talked about wanting to masturbate after your girlfriend told you not to. If you have, how did it go?

[Teenageboy]

Thank you char for responding
I am from India
I am mentioning this cause here masturbation and sex is still considered taboo
Neither doctor nor pateint speaks about it
And even if i try to tell any doctor about this they will definitely share this with my mother and it will be an embarrassing moment for me
I had addiction of porn for long time when i was 7 i got to know about porn so i had addiction of masturbation too
From very starting i always got sensation or good feeling from tdick only and vagina was like a sex toy for me
I myself got rid of the masturbation after around 5 years of doing continue masturbation
And about talking to my gf
Then yes i have talked to her like so many times
When i first told her that i used to masturbate in my past she got very uncomfortable cause i told her that i used to feel i am transman since i was 5 yrs old
She asked if you masturbated then how can you feel
Then i told her that it was coping mechanism
Now she thinks that i still see that as my coping mechanism and do that to self harm my self
But i explained her that before i was disconnected from that part but now i am not
I feel more good due to my tdick
She agreed but i can see her disagreement from her face
So i felt bad and told her I won't do it
But once we almost broke up and didn't talked for 1 day and on that day i did masturbated through vagina
When i told her this she said we are truly breaking up
And i can't live without her so i tolde her I won't do it again just please forgive me and let it go
But she said that its not truly your part you are a male and males don't penetrate themselves
I told her that its just my body part and like a sex toy for me
She agreed to not breakup on one condition that i won't do that again
But now after starting T i cannot satisfy myself alone from tdick
So i told her that
She asked me to use sex toys as i mentioned before
After 2-3 days of this conversation i shared her the message from chatgpt which suggested vaginal masturbation
She read that and said that if you want you can do that
But i read her face and understood that she is not happy saying this
So i asked again then she said just don't penetrate again me with those fingers
Then we won't be get physically intimate till you get a bottom surgery
This is how it went

[Heather]

She agreed to not breakup on one condition that i won't do that again

Hi there, teenageboy.

It's sounding like you have a controlling partner. I understand that they have given you some support and advocacy you really needed and wanted, but the controlling behavior your partner is engaging in isn't the stuff of a healthy relationship and isn't okay. It's particularly problematic to try and control a partner's own body: saying they will break up with you if you touch your own body -- in any way you want to -- isn't a loving or healthy thing to do. Healthy relationships aren't conditional like that, and healthy partners don't try and control their partners' masturbation. It doesn't matter why she thinks you are masturbating: this isn't something she should be trying to control. Your body is YOUR body, not hers.

I can see that she has some beliefs about masturbation that are fueling this, like the idea that if you or she masturbate, you are somehow taking something away from the sex you have together. But those beliefs aren't based in facts or healthy frameworks. In a healthy sexual relationship, we need to recognize that each of us has our own sexualities, all by ourselves, separate from a partner AND the sexual life we have with a partner. We should all be able to have both of those things, and having our own masturbation and our own solo sexuality usually adds to our sexual relationships with other people, rather than taking something away.

She gets to have whatever beliefs she has about her own masturbation, and choose not to if that's what she wants for herself. But her telling you you can't masturbate would be like you telling her that she has to masturbate: neither of you should be trying to dictate or control what each of you does or doesn't do alone, for yourselves.

How do you think it might go if you pointed out to her that she is engaging in controlling behavior that isn't part of a healthy relationship, asked her to recognize that it isn't okay for her to try and control your body and your own relationship with it, and told her you needed her to stop doing that?

[Heather]

I want to add that putting a condition on you getting bottom surgery raises some red flags, too.

[Teenageboy]

Thanks Heather for guiding me
I will talk to her regarding her behaviour
And about bottom surgery
I want to have bottom surgery but i have finance problem and in India bottom surgeries often fail
So i have convinced her that I won't be doing my bottom surgery until i get enough money to have surgery in foreign countries or a best surgeon from India can do it better for me
And she has agreed
I will definitely talk to her about this
Thanks everyone for giving your time and guiding me
Thanks again

[KierC]

Hi again!

I’m glad to hear that you plan on talking with her about her controlling behavior. How do you feel going into a conversation with her about it?

Also, that is helpful context regarding bottom surgery where you live. Thank you for sharing that! It sounds like you have a good plan to wait for surgery until you can make sure it’s with a good provider. That should also be respected by your partner, so I’m glad she’s agreed that you wait, but it does also strike me as controlling that she feels she has a say over your body like that. But, I’m glad you’re talking to her about it.

[Teenageboy]

I did it i convinced her
Thanks everyone
We are not breaking up
She agreed without any conditions
Thank you so much everyone

[KierC]

Oh I’m glad to hear that she agreed to those conditions. You are very welcome for the help! Feel free to let us know if you ever need more help with this or another topic.

[Teenageboy]

Thanks KierC
She agreed when i told her that i want this on my own and not as other coping mechanism
She was actually afraid that i won't be satisfied with her after having the vaginal play
I assured her that won't be happening that i will still be satisfied with her
She agreed and now its all fun

[maille]

Teenageboy,

I am glad all the advice here has helped. And I am glad your girlfriend was receptive! It sounds like you did a good job of reassuring her that masturbation does not take away from partnered play, and actually enhances it.