Difficulty cumming

[emmy09]

Hello! I’ll keep this brief:
My boyfriend and I have been experimenting with different sexual activities and all that but both of us are unable to orgasm when the other is doing us. I (female) am only able to orgasm with clitoral stimulation and he is only able to orgasm when he is the one pleasuring himself. I want to learn how to make him cum and I also want him to make me cum but even though we’ve talked about our preferences and everything about that it still doesn’t work and that frustrates me.

[Latha]

Hi there, Emmy09!

Oh, that does sound frustrating! I'd like to ask few questions, to get a sense of what might be happening here:

• I understand that the two of you are struggling with orgasms--are you also having difficulties feeling pleasure together? Does any kind of stimulation from your partner feel good?

• Does clitoral stimulation feel different when you are doing it compared to when your boyfriend does it? How so?

[emmy09]

1- We’ve talked a bit about it and we realized that for the both of us, we do feel really good but we’re never like, getting over the edge. It’s fun, and we do get stimulated, but it’s just never enough or something.
2- There are some moments where it’s similar, but the main difference is that when I’m doing it, I know exactly what to do and how so that it makes me orgasm but when he does it, I don’t understand how to communicate to him what exactly to do because, for instance, if I start feeling it a little, I’ll tell him to keep going or go faster or something, but after that point it doesn’t work anymore.

I don’t know if this is comprehensible haha

[Becky]

Hi Emmy!

Totally comprehensible! I just have a few follow up questions.

1. When you say "I'll tell him to keep going... but after that point it doesn't work anymore." Can you say more about why you feel like the stimulation in this moment doesn't work anymore? Do you feel like having to give instruction takes you out of the moment?
2. How long do you and your partner typically have sex/stimulate each other?
3. What are your goals related to experimenting sexually with your partner? Do you want to experience orgasm together or is it more about feeling close and intimate?

[emmy09]

1. Well, I think that the fact that I have to give instructions does kind of turn me off a bit, but it’s mostly like, since we are still kind of beginners, we have trouble staying steady with our pace when using either hands or mouths. When he tells me to keep going like that or I see that what I did gave him pleasure, it plays into my head and makes me lose momentum, I imagine it’s probably the same for him.
2. We do it for a pretty long time because, pretty much in both of our cases, we’ll just do it until we’re either too tired or just don’t feel like it anymore. It’s fun, but it’s kind of hard to enjoy it to the max when you have trouble finishing. He’s usually the only one who finishes because he touches himself the way he knows will make him come, and I have trouble making myself come with my hands so I have to use something to stimulate myself enough for it (not always available on hand).
3. I already feel very close to him, and us losing our virginities together definitely made us even closer, so I know we’re already great in that aspect. We really want to actually finish because, well at least in my case, I’m tired of not being able to make him come or him making me come yknow?

Thanks again!

[mikky]

Emmy09,

It sounds like you both are doing such an amazing job with communication and engaging with this despite the frustration.

It can be so different to experience stimulation coming from someone else. I like that you refer to yourselves as “beginners,” because learning what types of sensations you yourself enjoy when done by someone else, and getting the hang of how to receive information about giving stimulation, are buildable skills.

When you are receiving clitoral stimulation from him, do you use any type of lubricant?

Have you been feeling relaxed during sex? Are you usually focused on whether or not you will experience orgasm?

[emmy09]

No, we don’t use any lube because we just don’t have any, just saliva. But I read that aloe vera might be a good alternative, so I was hoping to try that next. At first, it was fine using no lube, but now that we’re getting a bit rougher, I asked him to maybe try it next time.
When we have sex, I do feel very comfortable and cared for but after doing it for a bit of a while I feel a bit frustrated that all this pleasure isn’t getting to the highest point iykwim

[Latha]

Hello, Emmy!

It is great to hear that you feel comfortable with your boyfriend, though I understand being frustrated about not having the sense of release that you're hoping for. Unfortunately, stress about orgasms can make them harder to reach--if you do notice your mind straying, try to refocus on the present.

If I remember correctly, aloe vera does work as a lubricant, but only if there are no additives. Be sure to check the product you use to make sure aloe vera is the only ingredient. Otherwise, if you would like, we could also help you think of ways to find lube--you might have to pay, but lube is also offered as a part of many free condom programs.

The solution here may ultimately come down to some more unpressured experimentation... Have the two of you talked about your fantasies, or about the type of dynamic you like during sex?