Testing

[sky]

Hi!! Hope all is well with everyone

I've been scrolling the website and also other websites and im not really finding an answer i fully understand.

For the first time in my life im thinking about safe sex which is crazy that I am thinking of it in a way of wanting it. Anyways, as a lesbian who is seeking lesbians, bi, pan etc women . I am looking for a hookup/fwb thing, im not exactly sure what the difference is lol. I have questions.

1. About 4 years ago, I had 2 separate partners and it was just oral and genital on my genital, not inside just like around the labia. Do I need to be tested? I dont think so because my gyno had asked me when I got my pap last month if I had been sexually active in a time frame and she didnt do a swab, but do I need the blood test to check anything? If I dont, do I just say I am not sexually active when I ask for hers and don't have mine?

2. How do you approach the conversation of testing with someone you literally dont know, like youre on a dating app and you're both into each other is it something you ask for before the meet up or like at the meet up? And what is the way to say it/ask?

3. Dental dams are slightly confusing for me for a few reasons, are these like super thin to where you are actually able to lick the clit and her actually feel it? Also, ive never done anything like this before so I feel like a lost dog asking these questions haha but I always hear about the taste of giving a woman oral, her fluids whatever it is that is always talked about. Is that not a thing you can taste when you use a dam?

4. Last one, if you cant taste because of the dam, if you're fingering, you can suck your finger or the toy to taste her but does that defeat the whole use/purpose of the dam? I think that makes sense let me know if i need to rephrase this one.

I am not wanting this kind of sex right now but I want to be prepared with a dam when I do meet with a hookup just incase because I know things happen fast sometimes and I don't want to be in a situation where if im like shit I don't know your results and I dont have a dam that is gonna be a sad moment lol.

Thank you for your time

[sky]

Also, how can I cope with setting boundaries of a hookup and being disrespected? I know it shouldn't hurt my feelings but it does. I thought I found someone and she was like I wanna fuck and I was like well that's not what I am ready for I said I wanna kiss and touch and grind with clothes on.

Her reply was yea we can do that and finger each other.... I didnt say I wanted to finger.. so I was like clearly she cant grasp boundaries so I just said I hope you find what you're looking for.

I know it shouldn't mean anything to me and it doesn't but it makes me so sad because I feel like none of the previous post is even worth answering because I have vaginismus and I cant be fingered, like at all, zero vaginal entry for me, maybe in the future but I just had a super traumatic gyno appointment and my vagina is just off limits. The thought of someone's fingers in there is very scary for me to process.

Is all of these finding a hookup gonna be like this...? I literally just got that message 10 mins ago and I just shut down. I know i can't do a lot of the things right now but to be just completely tossed aside makes me feel really sad and worthless.

[Becky]

Hi Sky!

Hell yeah! Big ups to you for thinking about safe sex. I'm going to go through your questions one by one.

1. About 4 years ago, I had 2 separate partners and it was just oral and genital on my genital, not inside just like around the labia. Do I need to be tested? I dont think so because my gyno had asked me when I got my pap last month if I had been sexually active in a time frame and she didnt do a swab, but do I need the blood test to check anything? If I dont, do I just say I am not sexually active when I ask for hers and don't have mine?

This is up to you ultimately. But if you want to know for sure, I would say yes it is still worth getting tested even if you have not had any kind of internal vaginal sex. There are STIs like Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, HPV, and Herpes that can be transmitted through oral and vaginal fluids. And many STIs can lie dormant for a long time. We may have contracted one and not show symptoms for a long time, if ever. A urine test is usually standard for STI tests but I recommend asking for a blood test because that will include things like HIV, Syphilis, and Hepatitis.

If you regularly have new or multiple partners, it is recommended to get tested every 3-6 months or at least once a year.

Here is an article we have all about STI testing.

2. How do you approach the conversation of testing with someone you literally dont know, like youre on a dating app and you're both into each other is it something you ask for before the meet up or like at the meet up? And what is the way to say it/ask?

You kind of just have to ask. Something like, "Hey I'm really interested in pursuing this with you but I want to be conscious of both of our sexual health. I just get tested. Have you been tested recently?"

I would ask before you meet up, personally. Because that way if they are cagey about their response or dismissive about your concerns, you can decide if you still want to pursue something with them. If they haven't been tested or don't want to be tested and you still want to hookup with them you can always use things like condoms, gloves, and dental dams to decrease any risk of transmission. Asking before you meet up will give you time to prepare. Your health should be your number one priority.

Here's an article about communicating with partners about sex.

3. Dental dams are slightly confusing for me for a few reasons, are these like super thin to where you are actually able to lick the clit and her actually feel it? Also, ive never done anything like this before so I feel like a lost dog asking these questions haha but I always hear about the taste of giving a woman oral, her fluids whatever it is that is always talked about. Is that not a thing you can taste when you use a dam?

Yes, dental dams are super thin layers of latex or polyurethane (they are essentially a condom that has been flattened out lol). They protect the giver from vaginal fluids and the receiver from oral fluids. You will definitely be able to lick and feel the clitoris through the dental dam, and she can still feel pleasure, but yes it will prevent you from directly tasting the vaginal fluids.

If you want to get a sense of what it will feel like, you can get a condom and stretch it over your fingers and then feel your fingers/clitoris through it to show how much sensation you still have.

Here's an article all about different barrier methods, including dental dams and gloves.

4. Last one, if you cant taste because of the dam, if you're fingering, you can suck your finger or the toy to taste her but does that defeat the whole use/purpose of the dam? I think that makes sense let me know if i need to rephrase this one.

Yes, unfortunately this would defeat the purpose of using a dental dam. The point of the dental dam is to make sure oral and vaginal fluids are not shared.

If you still want to put your mouth directly on a partners vulva, or taste their vaginal fluid after fingering or using a toy, you can reduce your risk of transmission by making sure you and your partner have both had recent STI tests. Now, it's important to note that STI tests can miss things sometimes if the infection is dormant or if it's too early in the infection.

Unfortunately, this is part of the risks we take on with sexual activity. And it is up to you how much you want to engage with those risks. I'm not here to tell you NOT to taste your partner if that is ultimately what you want to do. I'm only here to help you understand the risks and let you make an informed decision for yourself.

A lot of people feel most comfortable engaging in "unprotected" sex when they are with a long-term partner and both partners have been tested for STIs. This doesn't mean you'll still never contract an STI (again, people can have dormant infections for a long time) but it helps mitigate a lot of the risk.

But again, it's up to you and how much you feel like you can trust and communicate with your partner.

Getting an STI is not a death sentence. Plenty of people (like 1 in 5 people) live with/or have contracted some kind of STI in their lives and have perfectly healthy sex lives. There a lots of methods for both treating and mitigating risks and spread with modern medicine.

Also, how can I cope with setting boundaries of a hookup and being disrespected? I know it shouldn't hurt my feelings but it does. I thought I found someone and she was like I wanna fuck and I was like well that's not what I am ready for I said I wanna kiss and touch and grind with clothes on.

It sounds like you did a great job with this! I'm sorry this person didn't respect your boundaries and tried to push for more sexual activity than you were ready for. That is super uncool of them. But I think you did the right thing deciding not to hookup with them and I'm really proud of you for holding your boundaries!

It is really sad when people behave like this. It can make us feel less-than, like we're nothing more than a thing to be used sexually. But this is not true! You deserve partners (even casual ones) who respect your boundaries and make you feel safe and cared for. And the number 1 way to accomplish this is communication. So keep being clear with what you want and you'll find the right people for you.

Is all of these finding a hookup gonna be like this...?

No! I promise. I know it can feel really difficult (especially on dating/hookup apps) but there are really great people out there who will respect your boundaries and enjoy what you are able to offer.

My advice to you would just be keep being yourself. Do activities that you like to do and meet people in spaces that you are excited (like clubs, art classes, LGBQT+ friendly meetups, lesbian bars, etc) about and the right people will find their way to you.

Did this answer your questions? Do you have anymore questions now that I've given you some information? Let me know!

[sky]

Thank you so much!! I understand everything you are saying regarding the testing stuff. I really have a hard time loving and hating the idea of dams, I have ocd and theres a part of me thats like yay it will protect me from germs and extra stimulation from wetness but theres a part of me that's like yes hot women I need to taste you and feel your excitement all over my face (which makes me feel icky, I wish I could just be casual about wanting sexb)

Thank you, I definitely know there is good people who will understand and respect my boundaries/decisions and im not willing to compromise my own mental health just to have sex. Ive been getting so into the queer community and spaces and its been so so much fun but when I get close to lesbians and we start talking, ive been told more then a couple times that its a red flag that ive only kissed one woman and that ive never had sex.

Believe me, I want to have sex but ive been waiting for someone I trust and we have mutual love for each other before I had sex with a woman. I know I asked about sex in a casual aspect but that was more of a precaution of if I do get my little bit of intimacy I want from a hookup and we just can't stop i wanna know how to do things safely.

Theres a part of me that feels bad for seeking because of a few reasons but the main one is because my vagina wont allow entry. Ive had 1 finger in the past and it wasnt excruciating but it wasnt like something i loved but I really enjoyed having something to like (i guess grasp?) when I had an orgasm.

However my issue has gotten much worse since then and it's like ok who wants me, I don't know how to give you sex, and I cant have anything inside.

Honestly though im not willing to even try vaginal entry with a hookup but I would with my girlfriend but I feel like getting a girlfriend when you cant hookup properly is likely not gonna happen.

Do I make sense or am I too sporadic?

*edited to add, I feel like a red flag because they said i am so im trying to hookup to not be one anymore but people dont want too because im a red flag, its like catch 22. Lol.*

[Becky]

This all makes total sense and you are not too sporadic <3

I really have a hard time loving and hating the idea of dams, I have ocd and theres a part of me thats like yay it will protect me from germs and extra stimulation from wetness but theres a part of me that's like yes hot women I need to taste you and feel your excitement all over my face (which makes me feel icky, I wish I could just be casual about wanting sexb)

I totally understand. And again, it's up to you how you want to engage with this. I think if you and your partner have both recently been tested (and tested negative) for STIs, it's pretty low risk. You can also enjoy your partner's wetness in other ways (feeling it on your hands or rubbing it on other parts of your body).

Also, I'm sorry it makes you feel icky. A lot of us have to go through a lot of unlearning to process all of the messages we've received about sex and pleasure. Our society has a lot of very homophobic and very conservative ideas about sex. Don't beat yourself up if you find yourself thinking this way sometimes.

For what it's worth, it is totally ok to feel excited about sex! In fact, from a sex education perspective anyway, I would argue it's a really good thing! It sounds to me like you're ready to engage in sexual activity and open to learning about how to do it safely. Being excited means you're probably moving towards something that is in alignment with your desires.

And, I'm sure any partner you end up with will appreciate your excitement as well.

Ive been getting so into the queer community and spaces and its been so so much fun but when I get close to lesbians and we start talking, ive been told more then a couple times that its a red flag that ive only kissed one woman and that ive never had sex.

Ugghhhhh! This makes me very sad. I'm so sorry someone said that to you. You are NOT a red flag, you're just new to this! There is a subsection of the lesbian/sapphic community that is not interested in "teaching" new lesbians/bis/sapphics how to have sex or be in relationships with women. Obviously, it is their choice who they date and sleep with but this kind of mentality can turn toxic pretty fast in my opinion. They should be able to communicate this without calling you a red flag also. That's just unfair.

I promise that not everyone will be like this. Especially when there are plenty of other baby gays finding their footing in the community as well.

I'm glad to hear you are having fun! Keep engaging with your Queer community and enjoying yourself. You'll find the people who want to engage with you for you and will be willing to stumble through all of this relationship stuff with you, I know it!

Theres a part of me that feels bad for seeking because of a few reasons but the main one is because my vagina wont allow entry. Ive had 1 finger in the past and it wasnt excruciating but it wasnt like something i loved but I really enjoyed having something to like (i guess grasp?) when I had an orgasm.

However my issue has gotten much worse since then and it's like ok who wants me, I don't know how to give you sex, and I cant have anything inside.

You do not need to feel bad for seeking out sexual connection. It's a very normal thing to want. And there are lots of ways to "have sex" that don't involve inserting anything into your vagina. You'll probably find in the sapphic community that people are more flexible with their definition of "sex" and are just as interested in engaging in outercourse (like oral sex or clitoral vibrators) for pleasure.

If you are interested in finding relief from vaginismus or just having something to grasp during sex, there are vaginal dilators that are smaller than a finger. Usually these are used sequentially, getting larger and larger, by a pelvic floor therapist to help the vaginal muscles stretch and relax.

If you want to learn more about vaginismus and treatment we have a great article here.

Honestly though im not willing to even try vaginal entry with a hookup but I would with my girlfriend but I feel like getting a girlfriend when you cant hookup properly is likely not gonna happen.

I promise you can find a girlfriend without engaging in hookups (if you don't want to.) Hookups can be a lot of fun, don't get me wrong! And a great way to explore your sexual interests. But you can also get a lot of experience from a long-term partner and it can be a lot easier to build trust and communication around sex and your needs and desires with someone you engage with regularly.

You do not have to show up to a relationship with a bunch of experience under your belt. Part of being in a loving relationship should be the ability to learn and grow together-- and that means sexually too. You don't need to already know everything to find or be deserving of a girlfriend. Does that make sense?

[Becky]

Also, Sky, I've got to log off for now. If you respond to this today someone else will probably respond either today or tomorrow. Otherwise, I'll be back online on Wednesday.

I hope you have a good evening!

[sky]

This might be a weird request but can we not call the person im having sex with in these hypothetical situations my partner? Partner sounds like very intense, its just sex, not a relationship.

I do want to treat the vaginismus however I just dont have the money for the things like pelvic floor therapy and dilators. Also I am genuinely terrified of it because the pain is pretty severe and also I am not ready for the mental aspect of it because I know if I cant get a size in im gonna be terrible to myself and im not in my mental health journey to that level of self compassion haha, we are working on it in therapy i just am not there yet.

To be completley transparent i just really am seeking deep kissing and some touching and grinding. I really have a fantasy of being at a club and a beautiful woman whose we've been flirting/teasing throughout the night pushes me against the wall and pulls my face and starts kissing me. I mean it seems super simple but its not simple for me because I view all the sexual things as something very special to me.

If it was in a more private setting, I would very much like to just deep kiss and touch and grind but I just get scared its not going to be enough for her and im gonna be the boring baby gay who doesnt put out. Im also scared its going to get horny fast and were going to do a lot without even processing what were doing until its over.

That happened to me once and I really want to avoid that. I just am nervous that if I say no im not ready in the middle its gonna be a thing again like baby gay doesnt put out why would you even come here with me if you weren't gonna have sex, you know?

It's not that I dont want to do it, its just the timing doesnt ever feel right. My body is very much wanting it, I so often wet through my underwear and sometimes my jeans in sexual situations. Sometimes in not even sexual situations, I can just be around beautiful women and think about them and can have the same bodily reaction. I actually dont know if its normal lol. Like I left a makeout session once, completely soaked. It feels kinda weird lol.

[amber]

Hi sky,

Hope it's alright for me to jump in here!

I think it is great that you are aware of your capacity in regards to treating vaginismus. As Becky mentioned, lots of lesbians, and other women interested in having sex with women, are interested in sex which is completely avoidant of vaginal insertion of any kind.

I think you are absolutely valid in wanting kissing, touching, and grinding exclusively. Although it is not always easy, communicating your wants will allow you to find the other people interested in doing just that with you! Like Becky said, continuing to meet people will only help in finding folks who want the same thing as you.

I know you mentioned communicating your boundaries in the past and having people break them. I am so sorry that happened to you. Your boundaries and wants are valid (and actually not uncommon). I'm sure that you'll be able to meet someone who wants what you want!

[sky]

It just makes me feel immature? Like I see in these lesbian/sapphic/wlw communities that people meet to hookup and they are doing oral and using a strap.

I am really afraid to be in a situation where we are close to sex, and I stop it and she hurts me. I had the same fear with men.

[amber]

It is true that there is a prominent narrative about what sapphic sex looks like both inside and outside the community. Like with all people, sex varies sooo much and that prominent narrative is not representative of every single lesbian.

No matter what we like, finding someone who respects our boundaries and understands consent is necessary. It may be easier for you to build a friendship with someone first before having sex. I know that is easier said than done, but getting to know someone as a person may help ease those worries surrounding sex.

[sky]

Okay so, I have been talking to someone and we're gonna set up a date to meet and see if there is sexual chemistry in real life and then go from there.

Ive told her my boundaries and even how im not letting anything inside of me and shes been very kind. She asked what I wanted and I told her and shes completely open with it! She mentioned she is fine with no penetration she said she gets off with clitoral stimulation and I was like to be honest ive gotten off by kissing and grinding.

I guess this is a stupid question but is it like okay to have an orgasm? If im grinding and i feel like im gonna finish, do i say like hey is this okay or should we stop? Although I think it will be pretty easy to grasp im about to orgasm because im the furthest thing from quiet when im close. But I dont wanna look stupid having an orgasm 4 mins into a makeout lol.

So this girl has a boyfriend, they both date separately, do I need her boyfriends test too? This whole testing thing is still kinda confusing theres so many moving parts to this.

Like what im thinking is he has sex with someone who has something and then they gave sex that night and then the next day her and I have sex, that wont be on the recent test I had just seen a week ago.

Does that make sense or am I completely missing the whole concept of testing?

Like im reading and i see and i hear you Becky, i just think im having a hard time processing/understanding?

[sky]

Adding- I talked to her about her bf, he is only having sex with her and she said if we are going to have sex, she will get tested right before.

Ive talked to her about my anxiety with it all. Shes incredibly sweet. However im feeling insecure. About my lack of experience and also im insecure of how wet I get. If I was to wear like a pantyliner on our date and take it off when we were leaving the date if it was gonna happen in the car, or in the bathroom when we got to one of our places would that help? Or would it all just be inside still and she can feel it in full?

[Heather]

The vagina doesn't hold fluids inside like that: it's a narrow tube that's impacted by gravity rather than something shaped like a bowl. Pantyliners or pads just catch fluids that will otherwise wind up mostly on your underpants.

But people with vaginas themselves (and often educated people without them, too) know that vaginas create fluids in various amounts and that that's normal, so there's no need to feel embarrassed.

And yep, it's always okay to orgasm -- which is something involuntary the body does anyway, so it's real hard for anyone not to have one if our bodies are brewing one up.

If and when you are in a poly situation where someone has other partners, it's up to you to ask for the test results of their other partner, but IMHO, it's always okay to ask for those if you want them. People should be cool about that. However, tests can only give results based on incubation periods for infections. We can't get a test the same day we are with someone and get accurate results for any STIs we might have acquired from that risk. So, what you will want to look for and ask about instead in these situations is: 1) do these other partners use barriers with their other sexual partners, and for what activities, and do they use them with the person you might be with? and 2) how often does everyone get tested. Then you can make your choices from there.

I'm glad you've got another lovely-sounding person on this horizon!

[sky]

Thanks Heather!

Im not embarrassed, I guess that's a kind of strong word, theres a little embarrassment but its more so just kinda icky for me to feel? like I dont like the feeling of being on a date and going through to my pants because im just excited which happens, almost every time. Does that make sense lol?

Also, is this like okay-a hookup?

I have 2 personalities on my shoulder talking, one side wants to wait for a committed relationship before I do anything. The other side is like okay you can wait but I also wanna have sex with a lot of women.

Im almost 3 months into my new place and I literally haven't even kissed a woman. I was definitely supposed to have sex by now. Although it is a twin xl, idk how that is gonna work to be honest but I will make it work lol.

[maille]

Hi sky,

Maybe awkward or self-conscious feels like a better word to describe how you are feeling? Whatever we want to call it, what you are saying makes total sense. However, bodily fluids like we are talking about are completely involuntary and natural.

We can call it a hook-up if you would like! It seems to fit how people use that term- a casual encounter that brings multiple parties pleasure.

It sounds like it could be difficult to balance those two opposing personalities. It seems like sexual acts feel very sacred and special to you, but also you have a strong desire for them to happen now. I think that is something you will have to feel out with each individual person you engage with. I have high hopes for this date for you! She sounds very respectful so far and should you decide you no longer what to kiss her, grind or anything else, it is never too late to say so.

I want to remind you that there are no timelines that are set in stone for these sort of things. I felt really behind in high school because everyone was getting into relationships, and I just was not there yet. It helped me to think about it like getting your driver's license. Yes, it is true that a lot of people get their license in their mid to late teen years, but we would not give a hard time to a 20-year-old who is learning to drive or a 40-year-old who doesn't even want/need a license for their lifestyle. Does that analogy make sense? If not, no worries, it may only help in my head.

And making it work in a twin xl is a rite of passage that everyone should go through! If college students can figure it out, so can you!

[sky]

That analogy makes perfect sense because I had that same issue haha I just got my license last year, so I totally feel you.

Sex is very sacred for me as silly as it sounds. The one singular time I made out and cuddle a woman, I cried the next day because it was just so nice and special. The first time I ever had a sexual experience, my first make out was linked with a lot of sexual activities in a truck back seat to iron maiden... that situation something I dont recommend hahahahahaha, not exactly the prime example of romance lol. After that I got home and cried.

I don't know if its because it means a lot to me because its sacred, if its guilt or if its just the brain chemicals. Or all of it. Most of the time its mostly shame, and I feel if im in a relationship I womt experience as much shame.

The biggest thing I love about a hookup is that sex is literally so embarrassing, like the faces and sounds and then I am supposed to cuddle and stuff. I run out because im not making eye contact after I just looked so silly and you saw the body I am so disgusted with. I hate my boobs so much and like I just feel like if you're gonna see them and have your mouth on them and hear the weird sounds I make I dont want to see you again.

If im in a relationship, I will obviously wanna see them again, im dating her of course ill wanna do it again but thats my biggest issue with a relationship.

I fully intend on never seeing this woman again if I hookup with her, like more then kissing. If im grinding like I have no self control and being loud, i will just thank her and delete her after.

Do I make sense?

[maille]

I do not think sex being sacred to you sounds silly at all. It can be full of really fulfilling emotions. And I am glad you know this about yourself, that way these emotions do not come up as a confusing surprise next time they happen!

I am sorry to hear that your brain is associating sex with feelings of shame. I find this advice column really helpful when it comes to talking about values and sex.
I grew up told sex like I just had was absolutely off-limits: what now? One line from it that I think might help us here is "how you feel about this particular sexual experience may not be the same about how you think you feel about every possible sexual situation remotely like it". I think that goes back to what we were talking about when feeling out each person you engage with to see if it is more of a one-time hookup situation or a dating situation. If you want to give that advice column a read (I'll warn you it is a long one) I would encourage you to do so and let us know if you have any thoughts or questions about it.

Sex can be full of funny sounds, smells and sights. Being able to laugh about them and move on with another person can be the key to enjoying these hookups. I have a way of thinking that may be helpful to you. How would it feel to remind yourself that this is her first time doing this sexual activity with you specifically? She has never experienced your particular body, just as you haven't hers. This way of thinking makes it an even playing field.

I think it is totally okay for this to be a one time thing with this woman, to thank her and delete. I would just go ahead and set that expectation with her so that no one ends up confused or hurt. Do you feel like that is an expectation you can set?

And yes, I promise, all of this makes a ton of sense. And is honestly quite relatable to many folks.

[sky]

Thank you!! You are sweet. I do not have the mental capacity to read that whole article at the moment but I will!

Yes I hear you on the even playing field thing but women are immaculate and I cant ever see myself being disappointed in seeing one naked, however, I cannot stress enough that I have the worst boobs ever. I do enjoy having them in a mouth and ive been told by the 2 people who have done it that they loved them so maybe im just overthinking or maybe they lied lol.

And honestly no it doesn't seem like an expectation i can set, she has been very kind to me and it doesnt seem kind of me to do that to her. I think will just tell her I dont want to meet because what we do will make me not talk to her anymore.

So that leaves meeting on dating apps, strictly being sexual and meeting up and not talking again is an option. Or, meeting at a place, having sex and doing the same thing. However, meeting at a place and having sex will be at a queer space, so I will most likely see them again and that makes me uncomfortable. Like I could never go to that place again but why would I wanna do that? I like the places I go.

Sex just all around sounds awful. To be completely honest I hate the idea of sex for me. Even making out sounds awful. Like the end of that is just terrible. I am so horny though I might explode, I lost my vibrator charger in my move and masturbating in general is so incredibly boring for me.

I have moments where I am wanting a dildo to spice up my masturbation but it would just hurt me. Sometimes I cant fully explain the feeling and this is literally so embarrassing to say online lol but my vagina needs someone. Like so often I lay here and literally just cant explain the crushing feeling of needing someone's touch or mouth on my clit, my boobs, spanking me, kissing my neck. Everyday I am so horny. Everyday I masturbate. Everyday I am so incredibly aroused. Everyday I daydream about sex.

I. Need. A. Hookup.

I dont know how to get one. I feel like everytime I do something I somehow mess it up with all this. Its exhausting.

[lilikoi]

Hi sky,

I'm really touched by your situation! It is so incredibly exhausting to dream of something that feels out of reach. Already the work you've been doing on dating apps to find someone you feel comfortable with is a huge step in the right direction! It is not easy to put yourself out there chatting with new connections and coordinating everything for a date. Your romantic work ethic is a huge strength that not everyone has! And doing it in a way that prioritizes your boundaries takes commitment. Basically, you're doing a great job setting up the circumstances to have satisfying sexual experiences for you.

The biggest thing I love about a hookup is that sex is literally so embarrassing, like the faces and sounds and then I am supposed to cuddle and stuff. I run out because im not making eye contact after I just looked so silly and you saw the body I am so disgusted with. I hate my boobs so much and like I just feel like if you're gonna see them and have your mouth on them and hear the weird sounds I make I dont want to see you again.

I hear you on the discomfort regarding sex noises and faces. I have found that the context of sexual attraction and arousal removes the weirdness and judgment other people think about the situation. It might be memorable to hear someone make a sex sound at a grocery store but the same sound while you're making out is expected and usually enjoyed as part of this unique scenario. I think people with good intentions come into sexual experiences ready to make weird sounds and see weird faces!

As for your boob disdain, I have worked hard to believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I used to have such a black and white take on beauty and it has taken a lot of affirmation and listening to people's kind words for me to overcome it. Even if you don't think something looks good, someone else will have a totally different approach!

Last thing, I am kind of unclear on whether or not you plan to share your intention to hookup and delete.

And honestly no it doesn't seem like an expectation i can set, she has been very kind to me and it doesnt seem kind of me to do that to her. I think will just tell her I dont want to meet because what we do will make me not talk to her anymore.

It sounds like you don't want to use those words because they are too blunt but will be telling her this is a one time thing. Is that right? I hope you plan to mention something about this. Saying something before hand is absolutely the kind thing to do and could be a great addition to your dating app/hookup tool kit!

[sky]

Thanks!!

No, I mean im going to tell her I just dont want to meet at all. Well hopefully she just doesn't message me so I dont have to tell her im not interested lol.

[sky]

For some reason I cannot edit to add, so just adding on for more clarification! I feel we have talked too much and its to emotional now to have sex. I just want sex, no emotions attached. I feel like when I talk about my sexual boundaries it always gets deep for me and I need to stop explaining myself and say I dont want this period.

If she messages me how do I even say it? I was thinking something along the lines of "hi you're incredibly kind but ive been thinking and I feel like a date isnt a good idea because we will probably end up kissing and thats not something I want. I have opened up to many topics and I dont want to do that with you anymore"

It feels mean because its not her and i have gone into detail of what I want with her. I want to do it with her if I didnt mess up already and talk too much lol.

I just want it to be hi. What's your boundaries. Where are we meeting. That's the depth. We meet, in my small ass bed or my small ass car lol, have sex and dont talk again. So strings attached!

When i say sex I mean like deep kissing at least. Maybe everything idk. Idk what I mean by sex to be completely honest, I just know i want it now.

[Sofi]

Hi, sky. It's nice to hear from you and I'm glad you're doing okay <3

I wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today. I know we've talked in the past about how it's not possible to have sex with NO feelings and NO strings attached, but let me know if you want to revisit that, I can send you more about it.

I also want to remind you that it's not mean to set boundaries with people. In fact, it's the kind thing to do, both to yourself and them. They deserve to know your boundaries as much as you deserve to have and enforce them.

Let me know how you'd like us to help you with this right now and moving forward?

[sky]

Hi sofi!! Back at you! <3

I don't know to be honest, I just feel awful. I have to decide if I want sex and only sex or if I want a relationship. I cant have both and its actually eating me alive haha. Idk how to choose I really dont.

It makes my stomach hurt because how do I even make the choice of it, like I genuinely do not know how to decide. Idk like what to even really say at this point, i just need to make a decision. And I really dont want to.

[sky]

I told her I was having a lot of worry about sex and emotions and that I wasnt sure if I wanted to go on a date. She was very nice and said I need to think, I said i have been for days and it changes every few mins. We decided to still follow eachother on Instagram but not go on a date.

I just dont know what's wrong with me. I thought I was ready and im not. I always do this. I feel so incredibly fucked up. Like I was talking in therapy today about how I have to make a decision and idk how too. I dont know what is not wired correctly.

I partly think it might be because its a woman and I cant fully grasp the fact that me as a woman likes women. Like I am a lesbian and im not ashamed of it, Im just kinda grossed out by myself for it.

Im thinking about getting a rose toy but I dont like to be naked and masturbate in bed and I cant insert anything and vibrators are boring.

How do I choose a relationship or casual sex? Im leaning more to a relationship but I just know im gonna wanna have sex with her and then we will have to break up and then ill just be heartbroken that my stupidity ruined another relationship.

Can yall please help me choose?

[maille]

Sky,

I do not think anything is wrong with you or that you are 'incredibly fucked up'. To me, it seems like you have been through a lot in both your childhood and your adult life that inform the way your brain operates now. That makes a lot of sense and we can accept that this is the case, but it can still feel really crummy.

I am so sorry that the internalized stuff about being a woman who likes women is getting to you, but from what I have read of your history, it seems like you have made a lot of progress on that front. First, I want to congratulate you for working so hard towards undoing that mindset. Secondly, I wonder what has helped in the past with this? I think identifying how you have made so much progress would be a good reminder.

I can not choose for you, but we are happy to guide you through making the decision for yourself. When I need to make a tough call, I ask myself "which choice (or combination of choices) will help me live the most meaningful life possible?". If a meaningful life is what you are in search of, this question might be a good place to start.

From what I have noticed, sex is very sacred to you. I would not give up on that. Let it be special. Don't compromise your values that you have found to be important to you.

Take some time to process, and let us know how you feel and what you are thinking. <3