I can't stop thinking about it. Why? (kinda long story)

[Hadiyahis1]

Hi! I'm sorry this is a bit long but I just wanted to give the whole story.

At the end of September I had an incident happen while I was attending college. I had been talking to this guy for about a week, we had FaceTimed and everything and he never brought up anything sexual or was weird in any way. Saturday night, the 28th of September at around 9pm we called on FaceTime and were talking about normal things like how our day was going or if I had done anything that day. He had just got done playing basketball with his friends and he asked if he could come over and I said yes. I felt really alone and a lot of people were gone since it was the weekend so I really wanted to be around someone.
We're still on the phone and I spot his car in front of the school. At this time it was around 10:30 or 11 at night. I get in the car and we greet each other.

He hugs me and then we start talking once again. Then his questions started getting weirder, he started asking if I had been in a relationship before, if I was a virgin, and if I was "freaky". I answered the questions but I started to feel uncomfortable. I could feel him looking at me and I just avoided eye contact. He started holding my hand but I felt my arm extending, he was moving it towards his lap. I said, "oh, you want me to grab the vape?" I said that because the vape was in his lap. I hit the vape a few times and tried to make conversation. (it was my first time smoking) He proceeded to grab my hand and pull his pants down. I asked him what he was doing and he said he just wanted to see something. He was moving my hand on him and I just started looking out the window and dissociating. Then he started pulling me closer to him and I knew what he wanted but I said no but he kept telling me to just go ahead and do it over and over again so I finally told him that there was a parking lot on the other side of the campus that he could go to so I didn't get caught or in trouble. We drive over and. he pulls me towards him again so I could give him oral. And I just have to say, I felt absolutely disgusting. He was yanking on me, pushing me down, moving my hand everywhere, and touching me through my pants and telling me to take them off. I pulled away several times but would just get pulled back in. At one point he stopped and asked why I kept saying sorry and I just told him that I didn't feel like I was doing it right but to be honest, I don't even remember saying sorry. And it's like he switched up completely, he was telling me how pretty my face was and was kissing me on my face. Then he asked if I wanted to go further and I said I don't know so I asked him if he had a condom to avoid just telling him no without a reason but he already had one. He told me to take my pants off and I was just so hesitant but he kept telling me to hurry up and the tone in his voice made me anxious so I finally did it and he got on me and kept telling me to put it in. I was so UNCOMFORTABLE but I just tried to act like nothing was wrong. after a minute he said that he wanted to take a break and once again it's like he switched up and started talking about a bidding app he likes to use. Then he came up with a plan, the plan was to do a door dash order, grab a drink from 7-eleven, and go to the smoke shop so we could smoke, (once again, it was going to be my first time smoking and I had been wanting to find something to make me feel like I wasn't here) We left the campus and went out to those errands. It was fun and it's all I wanted in the first place. until we got back to the school parking lot.


When we got back to the campus he started rolling what he got from the smoke shop and he showed me how to smoke and we took turns. I took my sweatshirt off and had a tank top on underneath and my sweatpants on because it was hot before we started smoking. I gave it back to him and started DYING so I opened the door to get some air and after that it's like I spaced out. I still don't know exactly what happened but all I know is that I was close to him and his hand was under my tank top and bra and was on my neck. I couldn't see but I could feel everything and I was confused on why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I later remembered what I said that may have given him access. I told him I didn't know why I was so horny all of a sudden and I am so mad at myself for even saying that, like I was so stupid and out of it. And he took my pants off and I told him I couldn't and he got on me and pushed my legs up while I was still in the pasenger seat. I told him to stop multiple times after I realized what was going on and he finally stopped after a while and asked what was wrong and I just started going on and on about how I had been suicidal for a long time and the only reason why I met up with him is because I wanted to talk to someone. I was crying and he offered support and comforted me. I started just talking about random stuff because I was high and started just laughing about random shit.

I turned towards him at one point and I saw movement. HE WAS TOUCHING HIMSELF AS I WAS TALKING. I just pretended like I didn't see anything but I knew. He told me to touch him and I said no and that I couldn't move. He moved my hand on him anyway and kept touching me EVERYWHERE but I felt like there was nothing I could do. He got on me two more times after that (without protection) and had finished in me and at this point I was frustrated. It was 4am and he told me to touch him again but I said that he didn't even ask and I didn't think it was even consensual. So he asked and after I said no he all of a sudden "got tired" he asked if he could sleep in my dorm and I told him no. He told me to get out so he could get home and I asked for help because it felt like I couldn't even move but he just told me to hurry up. I finally got my stuff on and he said that he would come back in the morning. It took me forever to shuffle back to my dorm since it was on the other side of the campus. The next day I feel disgusted with myself and ended up going to the hospital because my cousin hat told my dad. It was bad.

I ended up not pressing charges on him but I still feel paranoid. I see him in my dreams and even when I go to a store sometimes I'll see someone with the same height and style as him and I'll think it's him when it's not. I'll even feel him in me or touching me whenever I lay down. I can't stop thinking about it and I feel disgusting because it's almost like I want that again. it's very confusing. Why am I feeling this way? I hate that this happened and I really do feel like it my fault sometimes because I could've tried to get out of the car and I just continued to stay with him. I just want to feel loved.

[mikky]

Hi Hadiyahis1, I am really sorry that this is what has brought you here today, but I am glad you are here <3

The things you were and are seeking: being listened to, cared for, and loved, are so important. You deserve these things, and you deserved to have been given these without hurt or harm.

What this person did was absolutely unacceptable and a complete violation. It is not your fault. You did tell him to stop, multiple times, and gave many signals and signs that should have been listened to and respected clearly. And with the cloud that both disassociation and new substances/being high can create, I can understand how it might have been really difficult to make sense of the situation.

An experience like this, that came at an already hard time for you, where you were not listened to or cared for, is not one that would be easy to just shake off. It is beyond understandable that this would create an impact on you. This sounds like a traumatic experience. Since this happened, how much have you been able to talk about this with others? Do you have supportive people around you?

We will be here to keep talking this through, but I want to start with a few articles that I think might feel relatable or helpful:

• Feeling Good When You're Feeling Bad: Dealing with Unwanted or Confusing Sexual Arousal

• My rape is stuck in my head: what do I do to get it out?

• No Grey Area: A Journey Identifying and Healing from Sexual Assault

[Hadiyahis1]

My Dad's side of the family is very supportive but my mother threw me in a mental hospital for a week the day after it happened. She asked me why I was smoking in the first place. That's all she cared about, But my dad, grandma, and cousins are very supportive. When I talk about it I still feel like it was my fault, thinking like "I should've gotten out the car" "What would have happened if I just left?" You know? But thank you for the articles. I will read them.

[Becky]

Hi Hadiyahis1 <3

I'm so glad to hear that your dad's side of the family is being supportive of you.

I just want to reiterate that none of this is your fault. This person took advantage of you when you were both under the influence of cannabis and also not feeling great mentally. You were seeking friendship and support and he took advantage of that. He also completely violated your boundaries as you told him to stop multiple times.

I hope the articles Mikky shared with you are helpful <3 come back to this forum if you'd like to discuss them or if you have any questions about them. Or if you just want to talk more!