so here's the thing. i'm attracted to men romantically and sexually, but the idea of a penis going into me kinda scares me, i won't lie. in this post i'm talking specifically about sexual stuff with a cisgender man btw! i'm a virgin, but i understand the appeal of sex and feeling good with your partner. but any time i think about that kind of stuff with a penis involved, it gives me a slight bleh feeling.
i feel like the biggest thing for me isn't the sex itself, but the steps that lead to it. people always say "oh it'll hurt more if you're nervous" or "just relax" but it sounds slightly nervewracking. like what if it doesn't go in? what if i bleed? but in the end, i think it all depends on who you're doing this stuff with. hopefully, i can eventually find a guy that i can feel at ease with. any more advice?
eek im kinda scared
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Sofi
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Re: eek im kinda scared
Hi sunnydayz, welcome to the boards!
You're absolutely right: who you're having sex with plays a large role in all this, so when you picture it with an imaginary/nonexistent person it can sound pretty scary, but with a partner you trust and feel comfortable with (whether it's a full on relationship, a friend, or something in between) it can be much less scary. The problem I see often, and have even experienced myself in the past, is that having sex with someone we aren't ready to have that level of intimacy with can be a bit anxiety inducing and therefore not so relaxing. It's actually pretty important to be at a point where you feel comfortable opening up emotionally with the person first, and are able to talk about sex (your wants, desires, boundaries, fantasies, etc) beforehand. Think about it like this: if you can't even comfortably talk to them about sex, then having sex with them probably won't be any more comfortable.
To give you an example of the sort of things you could discuss with someone once you feel ready to have sex with them, check out our Sexual Inventory Stocklist. Also, to even figure out if you're ready to have sex with someone, we have a super helpful Sex Readiness Checklist. Because ideally once you're able to answer "yes" to all of those, you'll have less worries about 'what if's because you trust the person and feel comfortable navigating these situations with them.
That said, I can at least ease your mind about both hypothetical questions you asked. It "not going in" isn't really how sex works, unless you have a condition like vaginismus. Typically, if you're relaxed and aroused, the muscle relaxation and bloodflow in your vaginal area will cause your vaginal wall to sort of expand and therefore make more room for a penis, so to speak. If it does hurt, that's a sign to stop, because sex shouldn't feel painful. And while you may bleed the first (or one of the first) time(s) you have sex if your hymen has a tear - which only happens to around half of people with a vagina, so it's not a guarantee - there also shouldn't be bleeding during sex. If there is, that's a sign to stop and figure out why it's happening. If it's menstrual blood, well, ideally your partner isn't someone who would make you feel bad about that and you're able to just move on, considering that's a normal thing that happens with our bodies and nothing to be ashamed of.
Did that help a bit? Are there any more concerns or questions you have about this? <3
You're absolutely right: who you're having sex with plays a large role in all this, so when you picture it with an imaginary/nonexistent person it can sound pretty scary, but with a partner you trust and feel comfortable with (whether it's a full on relationship, a friend, or something in between) it can be much less scary. The problem I see often, and have even experienced myself in the past, is that having sex with someone we aren't ready to have that level of intimacy with can be a bit anxiety inducing and therefore not so relaxing. It's actually pretty important to be at a point where you feel comfortable opening up emotionally with the person first, and are able to talk about sex (your wants, desires, boundaries, fantasies, etc) beforehand. Think about it like this: if you can't even comfortably talk to them about sex, then having sex with them probably won't be any more comfortable.
To give you an example of the sort of things you could discuss with someone once you feel ready to have sex with them, check out our Sexual Inventory Stocklist. Also, to even figure out if you're ready to have sex with someone, we have a super helpful Sex Readiness Checklist. Because ideally once you're able to answer "yes" to all of those, you'll have less worries about 'what if's because you trust the person and feel comfortable navigating these situations with them.
That said, I can at least ease your mind about both hypothetical questions you asked. It "not going in" isn't really how sex works, unless you have a condition like vaginismus. Typically, if you're relaxed and aroused, the muscle relaxation and bloodflow in your vaginal area will cause your vaginal wall to sort of expand and therefore make more room for a penis, so to speak. If it does hurt, that's a sign to stop, because sex shouldn't feel painful. And while you may bleed the first (or one of the first) time(s) you have sex if your hymen has a tear - which only happens to around half of people with a vagina, so it's not a guarantee - there also shouldn't be bleeding during sex. If there is, that's a sign to stop and figure out why it's happening. If it's menstrual blood, well, ideally your partner isn't someone who would make you feel bad about that and you're able to just move on, considering that's a normal thing that happens with our bodies and nothing to be ashamed of.
Did that help a bit? Are there any more concerns or questions you have about this? <3
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