i can’t make my girlfriend finish

[confuseder]

exactly what the title says, but, bonus, i’m a girl too (so it sucks more). i have never really masturbated and have never felt anything while just touching myself so i don’t know anything other than what i’ve learned from her. we’ve been hooking up for about 3 months and i’ve made her finish 3 times, all more than 2 months ago. i feel like i have a motor coordination issue or something at this point and she tries not to admit it but i know that it bothers her a lot. i think that my biggest issues are consistent speed, pressure, and angle/positioning to stay in the same spot and not be uncomfortable. what do i do?

[KierC]

Hey there confuseder, and welcome to the boards! We’re so glad to have you here. <3

First, I want to gently update some of the frameworks you’re using to talk about orgasm, because I think part of this could actually be related to how orgasm is being treated and approached here, if that makes sense. When we treat orgasm as something that we “make” someone do, something that signals the end of sex, or something that signals ‘good sex,’ we place it on a pedestal that it really doesn’t need to be on when we talk about having pleasureful sex, and that can actually impact the experience of sex overall. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong at all. But I did want to point out that sometimes viewing orgasm in this way can impact our expectations and experiences. <3

It might be helpful, then, to instead think about orgasm as something that we can be a PART of with someone else, something that doesn’t have to signal the end of sex (or is not really necessary to “end” sex), and something that doesn’t in itself signal “good sex,” but is just one of the many moving parts that sex involves. How does that sound to you?

One thing I also want to say is that there’s nothing wrong with you based on your partner orgasming vs. not. You can be a wonderful partner sexually and otherwise, and it has nothing to do with your ability to keep your hand in the same spot for however long, you know? I don’t want you to feel like your partner not orgasming sometimes means you have an issue when it’s all much more complicated. Sometimes we go through periods of time when we don’t orgasm as often, and there can be multiple reasons for it. <3

You mentioned that you know this bothers her but that she tries not to admit it. The tricky thing with this is that we can’t really know how a partner feels unless they tell us, but it sounds like something might’ve given you an indication that this could be the case. Has there been any communication surrounding this as an issue, has she said anything about wanting to orgasm more, or otherwise where do you think this concern might be coming from?

In all of this, what might be really helpful is sitting down with your girlfriend to talk about how sex has been feeling for you two. You can even ask her if the angle/positioning/speed/pressure feels for her, and about how she feels about orgasm. How does that sound to you?

[confuseder]

we’ve communicated and she’s used the word “disappointing” multiple times. i understand why and i’m really frustrated because it isn’t like i’m not trying, i just have no idea what i’m doing. clearly to her it’s an important thing and i just want to figure out what’s going wrong. i know that it isn’t like buildup or not feeling comfortable with each other or anything like that, it’s a me issue.

[Sofi]

Are you feeling sexual desire with her or solo, especially going into these situations? Or do they happen when you’re okay with it but not necessarily feeling sexual desire?

Also, as Kier said, it’d be good to ask her for more details on what she likes (and share for yourself too, since it’s a mutual conversation and not an interrogation). In your response you mentioned she’s said she’s disappointed when you talk about it, so it doesn’t sound like there’s been in depth talks about the specific things she likes and wants. You two can also walk through it together in the moment and she can gently direct you so you learn what she likes - this is incredibly common and important for people to do, but we don’t hear about it or see it in almost any sexual media.

We have a checklist that can be a great way to initiate this conversation without having to come up with everything on your own. You can find it here: Yes, No, Maybe so: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
Do you feel comfortable bringing this up to her?