Struggling to orgasm as a no-op transmasc

[whyamigay]

I am transmasc (not medically transitioning) and have never had an orgasm—not for lack of trying. I've tried rubbing, I've tried rhythmic thumping, I've tried using salve to lubricate things, I've tried vibration (in the ways I can; I don't have a vibrator so wrapped a toothbrush in TP), I've tried looking at porn, and none of it has helped. It either feels neutral, like touching my arm, or feels mildly good. I feel most intense (and my privates feel most activated, often) in situations where i'm not touching myself. What should I do? I'm too young to see a sex therapist so that's off the table sadly.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards. <3. You know, a sex therapist wouldn't generally be suggested just for being unable to orgasm, especially for someone so young, if that's any consolation.

Often, reaching orgasm is less about what someone is or isn't doing per the how of touching themselves and more about what's going on in your head and the bigger picture of the sexual response cycle.

Can I ask, when you masturbate, where is the motivation coming from? Are you doing it because you feel very turned on, and starting from there, and if so, is that arousal increasing as you explore your body, or staying there, or does it feel more like it goes away? Those situations you describe where it sounds like you feel the most aroused: have you tried masturbating then? If so, how does that go? Too, when you masturbate, are you trying to orgasm, or are you able to just explore without thinking about that at all?

[whyamigay]

When I masturbate, it's usually because I'm trying to orgasm; I don't start turned on. I only really get turned on in very specific situations—usually when I'm being declaimed to or someone's trying to make my synaesthesia more intense, when I'm melting down or being pushed to melt down, experiencing degradation (in a soft way, like being encouraged not to self-repress), and generally when I feel small and nonsapient and impulsive and cared for. I've only had those experiences in one situationship (that was never official). I don't know if I have a fetish or I just don't know my way around my own body.

[KierC]

Hey!!

Thanks for this information, this is really helpful context. I have a few thoughts/ideas about this:

1. You mention that you usually masturbate because you’re trying to orgasm. Sometimes, placing that pressure or expectation from the start can make it more difficult to actually reach orgasm, particularly when you’re just starting to explore your body and what makes you feel good. How do you feel about taking orgasm out of the forefront for now, and focusing on the sensations you’re feeling and follow what feels good?

2. It’s always a good idea to make sure you’re relaxed and aroused before trying to masturbate. It sounds like you know there are certain situations that turn you on more. Can you think of some ways that you might be able to replicate or bring those things that arouse you into your own masturbation routine before you begin? Would engaging in fantasy material surrounding some of these sexual interests sound helpful to you?

A note on fetishes: a fetish is an object that someone needs in order to feel sexual arousal. So, I wouldn’t describe what you’ve shared as being a fetish. These are merely sexual interests you have, and you’re not alone in having those interests!

[whyamigay]

Yes, fantasy material would help, but my stuff is so specific that idk if I can find anything like that. I've only really had those experiences in the one relationship.
And yes, taking orgasm out of the forefront makes sense. At the same time, I want to be able to orgasm by myself before I get into any serious relationships, just so I'm not reliant on anybody—so there's a bit of a timeline here.

[Heather]

I want to double down on what Kier said: it's not even that *sometimes* focusing on orgasm makes it more difficult. Pretty much ALWAYS that will be the case. There's a term in sexology called "spectatoring" which refers to people focusing on orgasm/trying for orgasm, and we know that that is one of the biggest barriers TO orgasm. So, doing things like putting deadlines on this -- which I would strongly suggest you not do -- or focusing on orgasm rather than pleasure almost assures it is very unlikely to happen.

Orgasm with a partner isn't something where we will be reliant on someone else in the way you are thinking. Orgasm is an involuntary nervous system response: neither we nor anyone else can make it happen. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won't, but when it does, it tends to because we have focused on pleasure, not orgasm, and experienced pleasure to a degree that orgasm happens. I would suggest you rethink this idea you must have experience with orgasm on your own before getting into sexual relationships, especially if you are someone who, as it sounds like you are, is more responsive when it comes to your arousal than someone for whom it is more spontaneous. Again, putting that kind of pressure on it is going to make it even less likely to happen, but I also don't think that in order to feel independent/have agency in your sexual relationships, you need to come to them already able to orgasm or to do so easily. We can talk more about that if you'd like.

I'd suggest you stop masturbating with an aim for orgasm. The aim should be pleasure, both because that's really what it's for -- and I assume that's also what you're looking for with orgasm, even though that's pleasure of just a few seconds -- and because that's where the focus will usually need to be for anyone to experience orgasm. How about only masturbating when you do feel aroused and able to focus on pleasure, set aside any aim to orgasm, and see how that goes?

[whyamigay]

Ah, ok, that makes total sense—the issue is, I don't tend to get aroused except in those couple very specific situations. I wonder how I can seek stuff like that out? I don't even know how to start looking for porn or erotica that matches up with my interests

[Heather]

I hear you. It might be that this is something where you need to create that material yourself by fantasizing in your head, or by writing it out. By all means, you might also be able to find sexual media online that includes some of what you are interested in, but we can't ever refer people to sexual entertainment here, given the age of people we serve, so that'd have to be something you sought out on your own if you wanted to.

[whyamigay]

Heard, that makes sense. Out of curiosity, how can I tell when I'm aroused vs. just enjoying a piece of media? Would it be based on whether my privates feel wet etc. or something else? Thanks again!!

[Heather]

That's a big question, and one that tends to have answers that are somewhat unique from person to person, but let me drop you some basics.

When we feel sexually aroused, our bodies and minds do often tend to do some things. Those things can include things like:
• increased pulse or blood pressure or faster breathing
• skin flushing
• feeling more sensitive to touch throughout our whole bodies
• feeling less able to focus on other things than our feelings of desire and/or arousal
• a feeling of growing fullness in and around our genitals
• an increase in genital fluids
• erection, be it clitoral (and if you're not familiar with what that can be like, the mons and outer labia can get puffier, and the external portions of the clitoris tend to swell and pulse subtly and sometimes not-so-subtly) or penile
• a strong desire for some kind of sexual expression, like masturbation or sex/touch with a partner

You'll also observe how this all works for you over time, but generally, just enjoying media won't tend to make us feel strong feelings of sexual desire, any of these kinds of physical responses, or ping our sexuality and kind of wake it up from sleep, if you get what I mean. Make sense?

[whyamigay]

That makes sense...so it sounds like the best move right now is for me to notice when I organically get aroused and masturbate then, kind of like how somebody might opt to eat when they're hungry rather than planning or scheduling meals. Am I interpreting right? Thanks again!!

[Heather]

Yes, exactly! And happy we could help. Do you want to talk more today about feeling like you have to know how to reach orgasm before you get into a sexual relationship with someone else?

[whyamigay]

Yeah—basically, I really don't want a situation where I stay with a partner even if things aren't going well because I won't be able to orgasm otherwise. Part of this is that I'm transmasculine/nonbinary and most of my partners have been trans girls, so often have different body parts than I do. I don't want to risk a situation where I can only orgasm with partnered sex and not just my own body.
(For what it's worth, the jury's out on whether I've had sex—I've engaged in some fully clothed cuddling in bed with partners, but it's never gone beyond that. This is mostly for future planning and goal setting.)

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in more.

I think the good news here is that how long you stay with someone is up to you, and it ideally is not going to be a choice you make based only on if you have orgasms with that person.

Honestly, if and when you are having orgasms with a partner, all that really tells us is that YOUR BODY has then figured out how to have orgasms. Voila! Just because it started with someone -- if it happens that way -- won't mean you have to stay with that someone for it to keep happening. What's more likely is that once your body has figured out how to do that, it'll be something you can probably access on your own then, too. What kind of body parts someone has also really doesn't have much to do with this. It sounds like you might be assuming orgasm with a partner might only happen for you because of that person's body parts: that's pretty unlikely. Why it might happen for you with a partner versus alone will generally have more to do with things like that you get more excited when someone else you are with is aroused or desiring you, because you are more focused on the sex you're having than when you are alone, or because you are in a relationship where you feel able to lean into your sexuality and how it feels to explore it.

And again, orgasm is so short, and such a small part of our enjoyment of sex anyway, that you'll see once it happens that just an orgasm itself, while nice, and sometimes even more than nice, doesn't offer us a whole lot. It's the much larger picture and experience of all the pleasure we experience with any kind of sex, solo or with partners, that offers us the big good stuff. Orgasms all by themselves are kind of cheap, really.

[whyamigay]

Okay, that makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE. I thought it was about the partner's specific body or the specific things they were into—and it's really good to know that, even if a relationship ends, anything my body can do in the relationship can also happen outside of it.
Out of curiosity, if I try to masturbate or have sex but don't orgasm, does that still qualify as masturbation/sex or just as a failed attempt, and what does it mean about whether I'm a virgin? (I know that's a stupid construct, but at the same time, it's the type of thing that teenagers ask and talk about.)
Thanks again!!

[Heather]

Oh goodness, what is and isn't sex is 1000% not predicated on if someone does or doesn't have an orgasm (including because sometimes orgasm happens when people have no had any kind of sex at all, be that in sleep or because they have been sexually assaulted -- which is assault, not sex -- and their bodies just happened to respond with orgasm, a thing that happens sometimes). What is and isn't sex is only determined by if we ourselves feel that something we are doing is an active expression of our sexuality, that's it. (For more, I think this article may be a goodie for you, especially to give some context to what I am about to say here: What's Sex?)

You're right, virginity is a lousy construct, and one that really is and has always been about nothing but social control of people, particularly women, about enforcing heteronormativity, on top of often being based in willful ignorance about how bodies and sexualities actually work . So, I will always suggest that everyone let go of it as an idea, period, and not keep enabling it, even for themselves. I'd suggest the same for you, and suggest that if and when someone asks you if you're a virgin, you consider telling them that's not a useful question or way of thinking about people and sex. If that's someone you actually want to have know anything about your sexual history or sexuality, you can let them know that they can ask questions that actually give them the answers they might be looking for, like if you've been sexual with people before, if you have had any STI risks, or if you have or haven't explored certain sexual activities.

But if you're asking about what determines when you have or haven't had a sexual first time, the simple answer to that is you: you determine what any and all of your first times have and have not been. <3 Make sense?

[whyamigay]

Yes, that's really good to know <3 thank you so much. I'll absolutely check out that article.

[Heather]

You're welcome! Glad I could help you out.