post-pregnancy sex drive lost

[utanohimeko]

Hello,

I am a happily married woman. My husband and I have been married for about 2 and a half years, and were together for a couple of years before that. We have a 2 year old daughter.

When I first came to live with my husband, we had an extremely active sex life, as in, at least once a day if not more. My husband used to tell me all the time how happy he was to have someone who enjoyed sex as much as he (still) does. I have been on birth control pills for years, and never really thought much about getting pregnant because it had always worked. And then, it didn't.

I'm not sure if I screwed up the pill, or not. I know I took it late a couple of times, but I don't know if it happened on of those times. The pill is not 100% effective, anyway. I was devastated, but we decided to have our little girl. Our relationship was, and still is, stable, and we always figured we would have a kid eventually. The timing was terrible, and money was a concern, but those weren't big enough reasons to us to even consider terminating. However, I was completely terrifed of being a mother. I knew nothing about kids, and was never comfortable around them. I spent my pregnancy depressed and scared.

Our daughter is 2 now, and I love her to pieces, but I still feel largely unhappy about being a mother. I'm just not a motherly person, although I am doing my best and she is a happy little girl. Her father is perfectly happy with her, too, although he is both working and going to school, and so he is gone more than he is home. Everything is generally okay, except our sex life. I stopped enjoying sex about half-way through pregnancy, and I still don't enjoy it for the most part. I never feel horny. My husband is just as horny as he ever was. We starting trying to have sex again before I even felt like I was fully healed, because he wanted to so badly. He bugs me about it constantly. Usually he tries to rile me up, and make it enjoyable for me, but it almost never works. I often have sex with him when I don't even want to, because I consider it a necessary part of our marriage. We fight about it; I cry, and he apologizes, and I figure maybe a week or two will pass before we fight about it again.

Initially I thought I just needed to heal. Then I blamed my hormones, and kept saying they just must need to get back in balance. Maybe that is still true; I'm not sure. I've also blamed the fact that he is often not home, and that when he is, we have a 2 year old to keep us occupied. What I do know for sure is that I haven't enjoyed sex for over two years, and one other thing: the idea of becoming pregnant again terrifies me. It terrified me the first time, and I'm even more scared now. It would be extremely inconvenient for us as a family, but it's more than just that. I really, really, don't want another child right now, if ever. I hated being pregnant, and while I don't hate being a mother, I don't love it either. I still take the same birth control that I've always taken, and religiously now, but I know that there is still that small chance that it won't work. My husband always says that it's not like we'd ever split up over it, but it's still extremely important to him (and rightly so). Sometimes he admits that he worries that he isn't even attractive to me any more, and I worry that I can't convince him of how untrue that is. I'm completely uninterested in anyone else.

So, that is my story. I'd really like any advice that you can give. Thanks for your time.

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, utanohimeko. I am sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation.

Reading over your story, it sounds to me like there are at least two factors that are influencing the low libido you are experiencing now. One is the fact that you started having sex again becore you were really feeling it, and now continue to have sex when you're not really into it. The other is your anxiety concerning pregnancy.

For the first one, I think it is really important that you sit down with your partner and explain to him how you are feeling, and talk about taking sex off the table for a while. Whatever the reason that you are not enjoying it right now, the fact is that you aren't enjoying it, and pressuring yourself to have sex you are not into is only likely to make you feel even less into it. Do you think you can have that conversation with your partner?

As for your pregnancy fears, you might find it hepful to look into other methods of birth control. Methods like the implant or the IUD, for example, make user error much less likely because they are inserted by a doctor and then they just do their job on their own. Perhaps it would help you relax if you know you don't have to worry about taking a pill late or doing something else that compromises effectiveness. Another thing you might find helpful would be doubling up with condoms. Or, you might want to avoid sexual activities that pose a pregnancy risk altogether. If fears of getting pregnant again are your biggest issue, any or all of those measures might help you relax and allow you to enjoy sex again more.