Confused max+, Sapphic issues ig

[bambifellover]

Hi, this might be the most insane tangent of confusion and semi questions. I do apologise in advance.
I've considered myself a lesbian pretty much my entire life. I am now in uni and seeing so many girls with boyfriends, I keep getting this thought in the back of my head that I should want a guy. Even though I fully know I don't like guys.

The feeling comes and goes and at times it's very convincing and given my past I was sooo weary of men and they were people not to go near. Also in the past 6-7 years, the women in my life havn't been necessarily the kindest. So the roles have reversed in a way. So much so, I keep thinking maybe a part of me does like men, I just spent a long time avoiding them. Even in young teenage years were girls usually have interest in guys and I don't know maybe suppressed it. I can also say the same for women, but that was more emotional damage in more recent years. Than just times of when I was like 4 to 11.

Another tangent- More fantasy based/desire wise
In my head it's like now my brain automatically thinks of a man and then a women in a different scenario whether sexually or not. And then I remember 'Hey! You like women the hell are you doing?'

As a writer too, I used to be a romance writer and would be heavy on sapphic relationships in a epic fantasy way I guess you call it.

While reading and watching tv shows, or edits of them.
Now in my mind I am so drawn to the male characters and what they do, nothing sexual until it is but still then it's more the women having sex with him not vice versa. I have the same feeling with porn if I do watch it which isn't much I don't have much feeling to myself, so porn just gets real annoying.

There's no satisfaction or drive for anything remotely sexually, but I have almost a need for it. And I just consume it via reading or not at all. But also probably a hormone thing at times I feel like I need to be with someone but because I have feeling by myself it's either feel nothing with someone else or feel like I am being electrocuted which scares the crap out of me and I sort of just shut down.

I am just very confused at this point and I am hoping for a little guidance or even words/things to search to figure what's going on. Because I got bullied a lot as a kid for knowing who I was and now I am 19, and not a clue in the world. I'm probably like asexual or something and my mind thinks women are better and more understand and also my huge body fear of being pregnant. With also everything else going on with like figuring out what I want to do with life. Wanted to be a midwife, which probably not for the right reasons I am assuming giving everything I have gone through and been like since I was a kid, having almost an obsession with bodies and what they're capable of.

Sorry if that turned dark or creepy I hope it doesnt come across that way. I promise wholeheartedly it's something I am working on being traumatised as a child and now stuck being an adult to figure it out and be like everyone else.

Everything and anything helps! Much love.

[mikky]

Hi bambifellover, welcome to the boards!

I am going to try and address at least a few of the things you’ve written about, and sorry if I am not speaking to everything you’re expressing here– but we’re here to keep chatting! It sounds like you’ve had some really hard times at foundational points in your life, and I can understand how you might be feeling particularly confused as you are figuring out life as an adult. That transition is just a generally hard one. It’s normal to not really have a solid idea of who you are and what you want.

Whether or not you have some attraction to men, you get to choose whether or not you engage in sexual/romantic/social relationships with men. It sounds like you aren’t feeling particularly drawn to men at all, though; more a general feeling of that you should be? Is that right?

Something I want to offer is that we really don’t need to know what all of our thoughts and feelings mean. A lot of what our brain throws at us is just kinda brain junk. Trying to figure out the meaning of everything ends up being a frustrating and impossible task.

You said, “But also probably a hormone thing at times I feel like I need to be with someone but because I have feeling by myself it's either feel nothing with someone else or feel like I am being electrocuted which scares the crap out of me and I sort of just shut down.”
I’m not sure what you mean here, but it seems like these might be some very affecting ideas. Could you tell us more?

[bambifellover]

Hi mikky, thank you for such a compassionate reply

Sorry for being rather confusing with how I word things.
I hope to clarify:
I have a thing were by myself I feel nothing whether that touch is sexual or not I feel nothing and there’s like no desire at all, but in my mind there is like a need, but physically there is almost nothing. So I took it as a sort of asexual thing until I did try to date a couple years back. Which resulted in any slight touch, mostly just subtle touches of my arm, or near my stomach it felt like I was being zapped, purely electrocuted with a feeling that went nowhere. So I kinda mentally shut down and the relationships don’t go past anything really.

I was dating a girl a couple years ago and she had kissed me in public and I had completely freaked out and was like ‘I can’t do this at all. Ever.’ And there was a whole fiasco that happened with her friend group and me, because I was weird and some of them said it was okay if I was scared of a relationship. But I don't think I'm scared of a relationship I just don't like being touched at all.
I don’t know if the top/bottom thing comes in the equation either, I don’t really understand them purely because how I am, I don’t understand anything. But the two girls I have been with in my life were both upset for both sides, one upset that they perceived me as a bottom and then the other had a go at me because I lied apparently because she wanted someone who was a ‘bottom’ and that I was a ‘stone top’ with submissive energy. I don’t understand anything of what they were saying, but I don’t know if that helps you know anything either so sorry if that is just useless information. I like sex and kiss lovey stuff, just not when it’s happening to me I suppose, I think I like watching other people do there thing.

And yeah, I hope that explained at least something.

[mikky]

No need to apologize! I hope we can be a place to help sort out things that are feeling messy and confusing. We don’t expect polished posts <3

Thank you for giving that context, I understand a lot better now. This might be your experience and it might not, but I’ve heard similar stories from friends and people here who have had experiences in their lives where they were physically unsafe or hurt by other people. Our bodies can put up some protective mechanisms around touch, even touch that we might actually want. (A)sexuality is complicated, and we can have quite a bit of mismatch between our brains and bodies for many reasons. And it is okay to not want to be touched, at all, ever. We all carry different histories with our bodies, and for some of us, some kinds (or many kinds) of touch do not feel comfortable or safe enough to be enjoyable and desirable.

I am not a fan of either of these girls you've been with, nor am I with the very popular misappropriation of language around “tops” and “bottoms” being used like this. Other people don’t get to decide what we do and don’t enjoy or what role we might take sexually. And what I am really hearing from you is that at least at this point in your life, sex is not something you want to be participating in at all.

What kind of support can we provide for you? What would be helpful?

[bambifellover]

Honestly, I’m not really sure what support I need right now. I think I just wanted to know if what I’m experiencing is normal. Sometimes I feel left out or jealous seeing my roommates with partners, or just overwhelmed by everything that involves sex and relationships. And the overall swarm in my head about what I should be and should feel to be like others. Also being a huge introvert knowing with how I am I may never experience 'that true love' I always read and write about.

Your understanding has been sooo appreciated, I have never spoken a word about any of my feelings beforehand

[mikky]

If what you need is just a place to share feelings, this can be a space for that. Thank you for being open to sharing and talking here.

I think what you are experiencing is certainly understandable, and something that others could relate to. If you poke around our boards, you'll see such a wide variety of people who might be going through totally different things, but share in those feelings of isolation or jealousy for what seems "normal."

"True love," as it is portrayed in fiction, is pretty... fictional? Our real human messiness is usually going to make things look pretty different. bell hooks says that "To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients-- care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication." I think about that a lot, because that type of nurturing, active love is not just going to come from romantic partners. We can have very meaningful, loving, caring experiences in our lives with friends, neighbors, community, animals, plants, etc. That doesn't mean it's wrong to want a specific kind of love though. It's hard not to want what we have had shown to us as being the most important, special, coveted thing.