I have no idea what kind of person I am sexual wise

[lalala123]

I'm a girl who is kind of (?) attracted to both girls and guys, but for some reason my attraction to guys grows exponentially when I imagine myself as a guy. that feeling just feels so... good?? like... idk man. and I think I only "like" girls for the sake of being gay. but at the same time I know I am sexually attracted to girls, more than guys. I don't even know what I'm talking about man. and I'm fine with being a guy or being a girl, or being both or being non binary. but I also really really want to be a guy just so I can be gay, ughh I sound so one dimensional with this post. I also don't really want to transition. none of this is a fetish or kink btw. what even am I?? I don't feel like I check in with any of the boxes. oh yeah but... recently I've just started to think that maybe I feel the same about both genders, just haven't met the right girl yet... and I only ever felt attracted to fictional guys and never really real people. actually there was one guy in real life I liked. and another girl I kind of liked... oh yeah and, I think my view of being straight is ruined by the patriarchy and misogyny, like, I don't like the idea of being attracted to a guy as a female. I only really wanna be gay or lesbian. idk man, OH YEAH and as a shipper in every fandom I'm in, I ALWAYS go for gay ships (no lesbian ones idk why), and then I imagine myself as one of the guys in the relationship, alternating between the two depending on my mood. maybe I do this because I don't have a good amount of self worth and self esteem?? maybe all I need to do is work on myself before worrying about these things. gaaahh but I hate being so confused... man wtv.

[Anya]

Hey lalala123,

Looks like there's a lot going on here so let's take it in a few pieces.

First, I want to just name how not alone you are in this. These kinds of situations which are really not talked about in the mainstream or educational settings can sometimes seem really isolating, but the reality is sooo many people have been where you are, and if you're feeling confused and lonely in this, trust me when I say that you are not the only person who's felt these things.

As we age and change as people, or sexual preferences change with us, sometimes showing us new, undiscovered parts of ourselves. I do think that it's best we try and take a deep breath with this for a second and realize that we don't need everything figured out right now. It can feel so frustrating to be a mental space where our emotions, fantasies, or desires are confusing to us, but as a reminder, there's nothing wrong with not knowing all the words. What matters at the end of the day is that you feel comfortable and confident in your desires (which yes, may take a lot of time and more confusion unfortunately). But to be at peace with whatever you want, just as it is, can sometimes be the most powerful thing you can do. There is no rush, not timeline, and no need to "prove" your desires.

Fantasies don't inherently change anthing about you. You gender is what you make it, and terms, pronouns, identities are just there for you to communicate how you see yourself to others. It's more than okay to not know and there is no pressure to figure it out just for other people.

On the topic of heteropatriarchy, I think it's totally reasonable and a common experience to feel influenced by the state of our world and cultural norms. This is an experience I think a lot of people have, feeling like they can't truly feel their desires because then they might get lumped in with groups of people they don't agree with. I think here, what's most important is realizing your desires and attractions may have more to do with actual people than genders if that makes sense, and that if you want it to be, it can be a totally internal thing. There is not need to disclose to anyone who you don't want to, its just important you're honest with yourself.

I'm curious why you might think that this is self esteem, or self confidence based? Is there something in this that feels shameful to you, and you find yourself needing to justify it?

I want to share a few things with you from others who have felt similarly, so let me know what you think about these:
Attracted To Women 24/7, But Attracted To Mn In My Fantasies--Does Thet Make Me Bisexual?
I'm Bisexual, So Why Don't I Feel Exactly The Same About Men And Women?