felt guilt for years

[tolkienfan]

I am currently 22 and I am a cis female.
I worry strongly that I may have violated the boundaries of a partner I had at 18. I had had no prior dating experience at all, and neither had he. I am not in contact with this person because he violated my boundaries and stalked me after breaking up with him.
The experience we had where I fear I had done this was during a conversation where we had been speaking about wanting to have sex with each other (we had been together around 6months at this point) and we had been kissing and touching during this convo. He told me that I was making him feel aroused and I briefly stroked him between his legs. When he told me he felt lightheaded, I stopped immediately. I have felt intense worry about this moment on and off for a long time.
We engaged in similar behaviours to this situation throughout our relationship (with varying levels of discussion beforehand), and I have not behaved like this with other people I have dated since.
I wonder if this was an issue created due to lack of experience, or a more serious problem with myself.

[KierC]

Hi Tolkeinfan, and welcome to the boards <3 I’m glad you’ve found us here.

First, I am so sorry to hear that your former partner chose to treat you this way. You didn’t deserve to be stalked or have your boundaries violated, nobody does. If you want to talk more about that experience at any point, we’re here for you.

It sounds like it’s been pretty distressing to recall these experiences, particularly the worry that you might’ve violated his boundaries. From what you described, I wouldn’t say you violated his boundaries because it sounds like you stopped as soon as he said he felt lightheaded. That is a good example of respecting his boundaries! Did he ever say anything to indicate that you had crossed any boundaries? Did you end up discussing any of this afterward?

I hear what you mean about having been less experienced at the time, and that there might not have been as much direct communication beforehand. To answer your question about whether this is an experience issue or a more serious issue, it sounds like this was an experience/education issue with communicating about sex. It doesn’t sound like an issue where you’re causing ongoing harm. I say that because it sounds like you communicate more these days and you’re concerned about hurting or violating others, which isn’t typically something people who intentionally hurt people do. This all signals to me that you’ve grown and learned from that experience. Does that sound accurate to you?

Last thing for now: How do you feel about communicating about sex these days? Do you feel like you have a good handle on it, or would you like to talk more about that? We have some great resources on sexual communication and consent, I’d be happy to send them to you if you’d like!

[tolkienfan]

Thank you for the thoughtful response.
My big issue with whether or not there had been consent issues is because I didn't explicitly say the words "can I do this" before touching him intimately. I did that because of the conversation we had had before and the kissing and touching we had done.
He never brought up an issue of consent (based on my recollection, but I have pretty good long term memory).
This relationship was very unhealthy for me, and he definitely caused me to have serious sexual shame/self esteem issues.

[KierC]

I am so sorry to hear how this relationship has impacted you. You’re not alone in experiencing the longer-lasting effects of unhealthy relationships either. Being mistreated in a relationship like that can certainly have long-lasting effects on your self-esteem and other areas of your life, as you’re experiencing. <3 Do you want to talk a bit more about how you experience sexual shame and self-esteem issues?

I hear your concern about consent issues if you don’t explicitly ask. Frequently, consent can look like a direct “can I do this? Yes/no,” but it doesn’t always have to be said exactly like that. I want to pull a quote from this article
(Driver’s Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent) that might help here:

Everyone’s yes doesn’t always look or sound the same, but there are often common threads. There also isn’t always a question, exactly, to say yes to. Sometimes yes is asking or inviting someone else to do something with us. Sometimes it’s saying what we want, even if the other person says no or not now. Sometimes yes is using hands to pull someone closer, or an excited squeal or moan. A yes with words is a lot easier to understand and know as consent than some other kinds of yes.

So, while it’s a lot easier to understand consent with direct communication, consent can be expressed in other ways too.

I think perhaps the more important thing here is how we can help you feel confident in navigating consent moving forward. How does that sound to you?