Bf busy, feeling unwanted

[Amelie15]

Hi there, long time no see,
I'm here again because I'm in a new (5 month) relationship and I'm stressing because I feel like he doesn't want me anymore but won't tell me. When we first got together we saw eachother almost every day, however 3 weeks ago he started to be very busy doing a lot of mandatory social activities and going to a lot of club nights. This led to him continuously arranging to see me and then cancelling on the day. I began to feel unimportant compared to his other activities, possibly just through being insecure. Then he got a flu type thing and in the end we've seen eachother once in 3 weeks. I was trying to be patient and really hoped I was managing to not make his struggles about me, as I was beginning to feel like something was wrong and resent that he was doing everything but spending time with me. Today he told me out if the blue that he's going home for Easter a week early because he's homesick and ill and I won't see him for a month. I cracked and explained that I was hurt that he didn't seem to care that he wouldn't get to see me for that long, especially when he's been so busy. He just said he's too ill (but then later said he's feeling better.) Something just feels different that I can't really explain. A few weeks ago I feel like he would've at least said something about missing me or seeing each other before he goes but he cancelled our plans today too. I just can't tell if he really is so ill and busy that he doesn't want to see me ( which is not how I would feel in his situation, or what I would have expected from him) or something serious is going on that he's keeping from me. I really want him to be okay but I also want to DO something so that I don't have to feel confused and miss him terribly for another month (but aware maybe I should just deal with it as part of having relationships) Can anyone weigh in please? Much appreciated:)

[Anya]

Hey Amelie15,

It seems like you're feeling unprioritized in the relationship right now and worried that it might mean something more than just circumstantial issues of him being ill and homesick. First off, I think we've all been in a position like this when our partner seems more distant than normal, and trying not to overthink all the possible reasons it could be. So in this way, I totally understand being anxious; you are not alone in that.

You mentioned that you did have a conversation with him where you named that it's been making you feel hurt, but his response was just about his illness? I can see how this might make you feel unimportant and I would consider talking to him more about how this has been making you feel, letting him know the value to you of feeling at least listened to. There is often a felt difference in someone listening and trying to reason, and someone listening and validating. Something that i've done before is telling the listener, "hey, right now I just need you to listen to what i'm saying and tell me you care. I don't need solutions as much as hearing you say you understand why I feel this way." Does this resonate with you?

Solutions are great, and sometimes what we really need more than anything, but when you feel like you're on the same side of the situation, it can be easier to trust you partner in their choices, knowing you were taken into account.

Have you thought about digital compromises for when he's back home? like facetiming, calling, or other more casual forms of communication that might make you feel still connected even if you're apart?

For some more info on partner communication, take a moment to check out these few articles I think can be really helpful, especially the first:
Are We Growing Apart?
Hello, Sailor! How To Build, Board And Navigate A Healthy Relationship

[Amelie15]

Hi there,
Thank you for your reply. Yes that does make sense, I do just want to know that he understands what I'm feeling.

I don't think he'd want to call me. I've asked and asked for him to spend any amount of time with me and he doesn't want to.
My friends have suggested I don't message him or talk to him more in case I pressure him too much and he leaves me. What do you think about that?

[Becky]

Hey Amelie15!

Hope it's ok that I jump in here. I'm sorry that your boyfriend isn't doing a great job of communicating and that you don't feel like a priority. That really sucks and it doesn't feel good at all.

I have to say, I don't agree with your friend. It sounds like your boyfriend has expressed that he won't put in the effort to spend time with you even or even call you even though you've asked him too. I understand how much breakups suck and hurt and how right now you probably really don't want him to leave but... do you really *want* to be with someone who doesn't want to spend time with your or talk to you on the phone?

You seem like a sweet person who is willing to put in effort to communicate with the people she cares about. I think you deserve a partner who would do the same for you. I think it would be perfectly fair for you to try to contact him and let him know that you're feeling unheard and un-prioritized and you need to set some expectations of how to communicate when one of you is feeling ill, sad, bad, etc. I'm not saying you need to talk all of the time 24/7 but I think it is fair that you expect your boyfriend to communicate with you and want to spend time with you.

It's definitely worth reflecting on what you think it means if someone says they are in a relationship. From my perspective, if you aren't spending time together or even communicating with the intention of maintaining your romantic relationship, then what does it even mean to label yourself someone's boyfriend or girlfriend? Y'know?

I'm going to leave this article here for you:
Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Give it a read and let me know what you're thinking afterwards.

[Amelie15]

Hi Becky,
Thank you for your suggestion, I have to say a lot of the things on the 'leave' list are resonating. As well as not wanting to leave, I'm also concerned that it'd be cruel to leave him while he's potentially going through something difficult. And it's only been 3 weeks, although I do anticipate more to be honest.

[Becky]

I understand that. Like I said, you seem like a very sweet person. I can understand that you wouldn't want to "kick someone while they're down."

However, I just don't think this is your responsibility. It would be one thing if he had been communicating and said, "Hey I'm going through a hard time right now and this is what I need from you." But he hasn't explained why he's been so distant and so you've had to make excuses for him. If he is going through something difficult, how would you know? You can't help him if he doesn't bring you into the conversation.

The fact that you're already anticipating him being distant for an extended period of time also concerns me. That sounds like a major red flag. It also sounds like you already know what to expect from him but don't want to be "difficult."

You absolutely should not have to ignore or shrink your own feelings or needs to maintain a relationship with somebody. And you should never have to beg someone who cares about you to spend time with you!! Yes, obviously there will be times in any relationship where one of the parties can't show up 100% and the other person may have to pick up some "slack" but that only really works when both parties are communicating their needs and it's something that you can expect your partner to reciprocate in the future. Besides, it sounds like he's not showing up *at all* right now, let alone at 70 or 80%.

I can't tell you whether or not to breakup with him. That's a decision you'll have to decide for yourself. But if I can give some advice as someone a bit older than you, I would say trust your gut. It's really easy to make excuses for people we care about AND I think those of us socialized as women are taught to shrink our feelings or to ignore our instincts when something is wrong because we don't want to seem "psycho" "crazy" "too much" or "hysterical." But I bet deep down you know what you want to do and what would be best for you. I very much believe that when people show you who they are, you should believe them. I'm NOT saying your boyfriend is an evil, terrible person. I'm saying he is definitely showing that he is incapable of prioritizing you and you shouldn't try to wait around to see if that will change. Your time and peace of mind is worth more than that. And there are relationships out their (romantic and platonic) who will value spending time with you, I promise.

[Amelie15]

Thank you all for you helpful advice! I brought it up again and it ended with him breaking up with me. Weirdly, I think I've spent so much time feeling sad about it that now I'm just relieved. Thanks scarleteen:)

[Andy]

Hi, Amelie,

I hope it’s okay that I’m stepping in here. I’ve been following your thread and I’m really glad to hear you found talking here helpful. If there is anything else we can do for you, if you want to talk about the break up more or about anything else, you know where to find us<3