sexual frustrations, desires aren't met, feeling like a kid

[BaySalt]

Hey. This is my first post here, so I guess that's pretty cool. I'm hoping I can get some good words or advice here. Or at least be able to safely vent here.

So, I'm a 15-year-old boy, and I might be sexually frustrated. I've had a couple of things on my mind, and I guess I would like to write about them all, or at least most of them here. I'm just not sure if I should write about all of them in one post. Or maybe make multiple posts. Or maybe write them in the replies under this post. But for now, I'll just focus on this one frustration that's been on my mind.

Getting to the point, my desires might not be getting met. To be honest, I am interested in certain things like sex toys and other products. I want them quite a bit, but since I'm 15, I don't think I can actually get anything. Well, I'm not too sure, but I feel like there would be some sort of age limit. Obviously, it's a bit frustrating. And the thing is, I feel like I'm decently mature, but age limits still affect me, and I honestly feel like a kid sometimes. No matter how mature I could be, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a minor. Maybe I could wait a few years till I'm 18, but that just feels like a while. These thoughts and frustrations are bothering me now. I want these things now. I keep thinking about the fact that many people out there, even teens, may have and use sex toys, which only makes me feel a bit jealous.

I've done some research on multiple things, some of which were on sex toys, but not all of them. I didn't really have a reason to, but I've searched things like how to be a good and attentive partner. Things about safe sex. And maybe other things that I can't remember at the moment. All of this could be reasons why I'd say I'm at least a bit mature. I have also searched a bit about the legal stuff with sex toys and minors. I swear I feel like I saw that it wouldn't be possible, but I made another search, and I'm seeing that maybe it's not entirely illegal in my state. I don't know, I'll probably have to look into that a bit more whenever I can. It feels like an odd thing to ask, but any way I could get some toys? Or at least anything I could know to make living with this frustration easier? I have taken a look at that one article about DIY sex toys. I'll probably try some of those, but even with those alternatives, it doesn't completely fulfill my desire for actual sex toys.

But besides toys, there might be another part to this. Condoms and lube. Even though I'm single, I feel like they could make solo sex more interesting. Plus, it could be good to have them on hand if a moment ever unexpectedly came. I still doubt it would. Anyways, I have also researched stuff about this and, well, maybe it's less of an age problem and more of a me problem. I'm pretty sure those items are more accessible, and anyone can buy them, including me. The thing is, I am really shy. Of course, I don't want to buy condoms and lube in person. And I'm not too sure how to buy them online if I can. Maybe it's worth it, but I'm still overthinking it all. So at the moment, this also feels like a restriction.

Along with my searching, I found out about this one site called teensource.org, and apparently, they have some sort of service that helps youth in California get essentials like condoms and lube. There's an option to get it mailed to you, and it turns out that I'm eligible for that. Things seemed trustworthy, and I was a bit thrilled about my discovery. Well, now I question it. I doubt they're a scam, but things don't seem to be going so well. Their site said I should get my package within 10 or so business days, but I never got mine. I ordered it for the first time, like early last month, and never got it. I emailed them and never got a response. I tried ordering again earlier this month and haven't got it. Not sure if it's a problem on their end or mine. Maybe I could try picking some up for free at a nearby health clinic place. Or maybe I could see if my school gives them out for free. But as I said, I'm pretty shy, so I'm a bit hesitant about that.


Anyways, I guess that wraps up my first post on here. I still have another thing on my mind, but maybe I can write about that later on. Sorta sorry if all of this was a bit long or whatever. Or maybe it just seemed like rambling. I kinda let my thoughts flow out a bit. It's also really late for me when writing this. I don't really feel tired, but I guess I should head to bed.

[mikky]

Hello BaySalt, welcome to the boards! I am glad you’re here. It’s okay to make multiple posts or combine a few topics into one like this- whatever works best for you.

I think it is great that you are exploring sexuality, educating yourself, and already thinking about safer sex practices. Becoming aware of desires can have the downside of some frustration when they aren’t feeling met.

From my understanding, teensource is a reliable website with good information and resources for youth in California. I vaguely remember it from my own time being a teenager in CA! Their condom mailing project might be a bit slow- the world of nonprofit sex ed and safer sex resources is not as robustly funded as we wish it were! I see they very recently talked about that project on their instagram, it seems like it is still an active project. Emailing them was a good idea, I hope you get a response. It is totally legal to get condoms from a store while being under 18, but I understand that can feel awkward or nerve-wracking. If you go to a drugstore/pharmacy, it can be helpful to remember that the cashiers see people buying alllllll kinds of stuff for all kinds of reasons. Condoms and lube are probably pretty uninteresting to them, right? Ordering online is also an option, but common barriers for folks your age is payment, and privacy with delivery. You are thinking of some great other options- nearby health clinics might be an awesome resource. A lot of times, places that provide free sexual and reproductive health resources like that will try to put them out in a way that makes it casual and easy to take what you need. For example, I work at a college, and our Women’s Resource Center has table outside with a box of condoms folks can grab from, some lube, tampons and pads, granola bars, covid tests… etc. It makes it easy to take what you need when you need it, without having to talk to anyone. What would be your ideal scenario to feel comfortable with getting supplies like that? How much privacy do you have with mail and packages?

For legality around sex toys, it is not illegal for minors to buy sex toys. However, in-person stores that sell sex toys alongside certain other “adult materials” (I think in CA, specifically pornography) DO have age restrictions. You can order toys online, again with the restrictions of payment and privacy with delivery, or purchase from places like drugstores, big-box retailers (for example, Target has a teeny collection of sex toys), or some stores that only have age restrictions on specific items. It isn’t weird or bad to want to explore using sex toys. We get a lot of questions from folks about them and I’m glad you’ve already checked out the DIY article, since that is a great starting point to see what different sensations you might enjoy.

[BaySalt]

Hey mikky. I appreciate the reply. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, but I might just be glad to be able to write my thoughts out on here. To have someone read my post and even respond with helpful and comforting information. It's a bit nice.

Anyway, about what you mentioned. It's good to know that teensource is a reliable website, even if I haven't been so lucky with my orders. It is a bit frustrating, but I suppose I won't completely give up on them. Maybe I can try submitting another order, or I could try emailing them again. My first email was over a month ago which seems like a while.

I guess I kinda know that the cashiers probably wouldn't care about what I buy, but I still get really shy. To be honest, I'd probably get nervous about buying some snacks. Maybe I'll still consider getting condoms and lube this way, but I would prefer another way if possible. Maybe I could take a visit to a nearby health clinic, but even that gets me a bit nervous as well. For me to feel comfortable getting what I want this way, I'd probably want little to no interactions. Hopefully I really can just walk in, grab what I'm looking for, and walk out. I may note this as a possible way to go about this, but I'm still just sorta thinking about it for now.

In the end, I am still leaning towards ordering these things. I've honestly been a bit tempted to try ordering online. I mean, I do have some cash saved up from birthdays and holidays and whatever over the years. I'm not too sure how I could get that cash online, but I'm guessing it's by buying a gift card, debit card, or something like that. I could always look it up and figure that out. As for privacy, well, I doubt my family would go through my things like that. But I'm sorta imagining the worst things that could happen. It surely would be awkward if someone really did open up my package. But even if no one does that, I still worry a bit. I can imagine someone like my mom getting curious about it since I usually never get mail or packages. Not too sure what I'd say, but whatever. Even with these possible privacy risks, I'd still rather get it delivered straight to my house. I feel like I could figure something out.

This ordering thing also applies to the sex toys. I'm a bit glad to find out that it's not entirely illegal or impossible to get those. Maybe it excites me a bit to think I could actually get something I've been wanting for a while. This may have been one of the top things on my mind recently. I've done a bit of searching, and I think I've already found some products that have caught my eye. I'm still just thinking about it, but I am really tempted. Does Amazon work well? Amazon does have the toys I have in mind. Plus, I think I could also order condoms and lube from there. I'm a bit unsure if they have any age restrictions. I'm a bit unsure about a lot of things here. But I guess it's good that I'm just brainstorming for now.

Maybe I should stop focusing on sex toys for now and at least try the DIY ones first.

Anyways, I guess that's it for this message. I do still have that other frustration on my mind, but I guess I'll create another post or something when I have the time and motivation.

[Straif]

Hi BaySalt,

I just want to follow-up on your message. It sounds like you're an exceptionally thoughtful person with the perfectly normal amount of anxiety that tends to come with that. As someone who is a chronic overthinker myself, I do want to add a few thoughts here:

It is okay to be nervous about something and do it anyway. For example, what if you just tried visiting the health clinic to find out if there's a way to get safer sex products without talking to someone? If there isn't, you can leave OR maybe once you're there you will feel more comfortable if you see a friendly face? It seemed like you were a little unsure about posting here, but you did it and it turned out really well, right? Doing the scary thing and having it turn out well (or having it turn out imperfectly and realizing we can indeed deal with it) is what helps us build confidence and reduce our anxiety in future scenarios.

Another thing we can do when we keep imagining worst-case scenarios is to get in the habit of balancing that out by imagining best-case scenarios, too. Try asking yourself, "What would I do if I knew I would succeed?" It's a simple but very powerful question. The truth is that whatever happens is likely to be somewhere between your best-case and worst-case scenarios.

With that in mind, ask yourself "How bad would it be if Mom did get a little too curious about my Amazon package?" It doesn't sound like she would be angry, but yehhhhh, it would be super awkward. As long as you don't think her reaction would make you unsafe, that would be a moment of awkwardness that you could probably both survive. Real talk: my mom found my sex toys when I was a teenager, and I never would have known it if she hadn't talked to my older brother about it and he told me. At the time, I was really embarrassed and angry she had violated my privacy. But it's been more than a few years since then, and now my anger has cooled into, "Well, Mom, that's what you get for snooping in my room under the guise of 'cleaning!'" To apply it to your situation: If Mom opens that Amazon package, any embarrassment is on her, not you. That said, it's obviously a situation you'd want to avoid, and you'll probably be able to do that. Just something to consider: even the "worst case" is not necessarily going to be as bad as you think.

[BaySalt]

Hey Straif. I know I'm replying a bit late; I guess I've been a bit lazy. I've been wanting to write here again, but I clearly haven't. It's spring break for me, so for the most part, I've mainly been chilling, sleeping in, and whatever else that doesn't involve using my brain too much. But it's a random day in the middle of the night, and I guess I want to write.

I also appreciate your reply; it's quite helpful. That is a nice way to look at things. I overthink many things, but you're right, maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I think. For this current situation, maybe visiting a nearby health clinic wouldn't be the worst. Maybe it's worth the effort since, in the end, I'm not really losing anything. Although, to be honest, I'm still leaning towards ordering online. I'm much more comfortable with that. But even if I'm more comfortable doing that, it's still kinda a scary thing that could turn out great or terrible or whatever.

Imagining the best-case scenarios might actually be helpful and could sorta counter those worst-case scenario thoughts. And for the Amazon order scenario, maybe it wouldn't be the worst if someone did get too curious. Awkward for sure, but as you said, I guess it wouldn't really have any long-term negative effect. I really do want those products, so maybe it is worth a try. I would want to avoid the awkwardness and embarrassment, and maybe I can even if the worst-case-scenario thoughts linger.

It feels weird to ask, but could I write about some of the things on my mind with this whole ordering idea here? Or is it a little too odd? I've done a bit of searching, thinking, and maybe even planning on this. I'm just still a bit unsure.

[Anya]

Hey BaySalt,

Feel free to talk it out here! When it comes to giving advice, we might fall a bit short as we can't give you personalized recommendations or the like, but we can sure provide a space to process and think it all through! I think it's gonna be a better bet anyway to do the thinking and planning than just go by impulse, so by all means feel free to talk it out here!

[BaySalt]

Hey Anya, thanks for the reply. Glad I could write about it. It's fine if not everything can be talked about, I understand. I just had a bit on my mind, and I'm not really sure where to start. Maybe I'll just start at random and go from there.

I've been thinking about this a bit, maybe planning and brainstorming. I've searched and actually already found a few products that caught my eye. It's probably not necessary for me to name what I have in mind so far, but each has plenty of reviews and high ratings. Some being #1 best sellers. Each seems pretty affordable, discreet, and of pretty good quality. I did think about my choices. So perhaps I've got my shopping list figured out, but there's obviously more to this ordering idea. Actually purchasing the stuff.

I'm not even sure if Amazon is the best place to order from. Some places I've read from said that Amazon isn't the most trusted when it comes to this stuff. But Amazon seems like a simple and maybe easy place to order from. For now, I've been leaning into Amazon. Anyways, the next part must be making the payment or something. If I do end up going with Amazon, I could probably buy and use an Amazon gift card, which does seem easier than using a prepaid card or something. Going to a nearby store and buying a gift card seems easy enough. I do have a decent amount of cash saved up, so I could use that. But honestly, I started thinking of an alternative way. As I said before, I'd probably get nervous over buying a bag of chips. What I originally had in mind was asking someone like my mom to buy the gift card, and I would pay her back in cash. Sure seems odd to involve one of the main people I wouldn't want finding out about this, but I thought maybe it'd work if I did things right. I had some ideas in mind, but maybe I won't explain them for now.

Originally, the plan seemed simple and easy. After getting the card, I'd probably order the stuff. Perhaps get the package and finally have the things that I've been wanting for ages. And I kinda wanted to start my plan soon or whatever. But, well, I think there's a bit of a change in plans. Something that happened today, or technically yesterday since it's past midnight as I write this.

Believe it or not, my Teensource package actually came. They are pretty late, and at this point, I had basically lost hope and didn't expect it at all. This would seem like good news, but perhaps it's a mix of good and bad. I didn't even know it came, so unfortunately, my mom got to it before I did. Maybe I should have been safe since it has discreet packaging, but my mom got too curious or something. She asked if I was expecting something, wondered what it was, and opened it in front of me. My heart was probably racing, but I stayed calm on the outside. Gee, seems the worst-case scenario actually sorta happened. I guess it probably won't have long-term effects, but things feel a bit awkward for me right now. Eventually, she just gave it to me and told me to put it in my drawer. She hasn't really mentioned it since then. Not sure if she knows. Not sure what she thinks. I'm just sorta overthinking it right now. But hey, I finally have some condoms and lube now, so I guess that's a win?

Obviously, what happened has me rethinking some things. Would she go through an Amazon package for me if I ordered? Could she be suspicious about me ordering something after seeing what was in that Teensource package for me? Should I not go to her for that gift card? I don't know. I would still want those toys, but maybe I should just revisit the plan and put more thought into it later on.

I feel like there are a bit more thoughts and details I may have forgotten, but whatever. This sums up a good amount of it. Originally, this probably would have been a simpler reply until the unexpected events with Teensource and my mom. It kinda feels like my mind is everywhere but not really at the same time. I'm not sure, but thanks again for the space to think and process things.

[Sofi]

I'm glad this space is helpful for you to process stuff. As Anya said, we can't give specific recommendations and everyone's situation is different with stuff like this, but I do think it's always a good idea when you're unsure to put more thought into the plan instead of jumping into it. There's no rush although it feels like there is, so it's okay to just plan it better and/or wait it out a bit so there's more time between that incident and you ordering again.