Girl thinks she's pregnant, what am I supposed to do?

[rodi]

My stomach is churning and I have no idea what to do.

This girl, she's not my girlfriend, we are just friends, we had something in the past, but it we stopped, so I'm not in a relationship with her, I have a girlfriend, and she told me she's pregnant.

She was too nervous, I tried to explain her it was probably nothing, she said her period was late and she did a pharmacy test, it gave what I think is a false positive. It's impossible, we were together only once last month, I wasn't cheating i was jut having a bad time with my girfriend there's no way. She was nervous and I got nervous, bros there's no way it's possible, I tried to explain it to her, but she got angry, I told her even if she was it couldn't be mine cause time doesn't match, she got mad and cried, sying it could only be me.

I don't know what to do, no one can know, her parents are crazy religious and i don't know how my dad would react, probably get depressed. If someone finds out what she's saying itll be rumors and itill make everything worse.

Can't think straight, my heart is goign to explode. Periods are late all the time, and I think it will just blow over and nothing happen, but I'm so nervous.

[Heather]

Hi there, rodi. I'm glad you found us, and I'm sorry you are feeling so terrified.

There's a lot to talk about here (including what sounds like you having sex with someone else when you were potentially with someone who you aren't in an open relationship with) but let's first talk through the possibility of a pregnancy since this is the most pressing issue, okay? Did you two have unprotected vaginal intercourse?

[rodi]

Yes, but only once last month.

[Heather]

Okay, thanks.

So, I probably don't need to tell you that one time is enough to create a pregnancy. Was this more than two weeks ago? I ask because if it wasn't, you're correct, the timing is iffy here. If it was more than two weeks ago, then I'm afraid you will need to at least leave room for the possibility she is pregnant and it might be because of the sex with you. False positives are actually quite rare: it's false negatives that are more common.

[rodi]

It was 28 of february it was a saturday. Time doesn't match, I pulled out, she can't be pregnant and if she is, there's no way it's by me right? It makes no sense.

[Heather]

Withdrawal isn't a very effective form of pregnancy prevention, I'm afraid (and sounds like we'll also want to talk about you letting your girlfriend know about this, especially since without a condom, that also will mean you took potential STI risks, and that she's going to be exposed to whatever you were if you also don't use condoms with her, something she should know).

If you had sex on 2/28, then yes, this person could be pregnant now because of sex at that time. It only takes about five days or so for a pregnancy to begin, and the hormone a pregnancy creates that tests read for can start showing up as early as a few days before a missed period. Do you know if she had sexual partners last month besides you?

[rodi]

I don't know, she said I was the only one, she got really angry at me when I said that if she's pregnant it couldn't be by me. She might be confused, but I'm scared that she might be right, I don'tk now how to handle this.

[Heather]

I am not seeing any reason for her to be dishonest with you, and given how upset she was at your response, it sounds like she was telling you the truth as best she knows it right now. Ialso suspect that a big part of why she was telling you is that she likely feels as scared as you do and was looking for you to be her friend in this.

I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but it does sound like you need to think about how to handle this if it is a pregnancy you have been part of, which it seems it may be.

I am about to run into a staff meeting for an hour, but I'd be happy to come back after and give you my advice on some first steps with handling all of this, including how to talk with your current girlfriend about this and how to circle back to your friend who may be pregnant. Would you like that?

[rodi]

Okay, good luck with the meeting, I'll stay here trying to not panic.

[Heather]

Thanks for waiting, sorry that you had to.

I think the first thing there is for you to do is to apologize to your friend. You obviously treated her poorly in this, and she is your friend, so I am going to assume that isn't something you wanted to do to her or want to keep doing. I'm going to assume you care about your friends.

Were it me, I would call or text her and tell her, without excuses, that I was very sorry for how I acted, and if I hurt her, then ask if we could get together to talk through that some more. In that talk -- or in text or the call, in the event she doesn't want to see you right now, which I think would be understandable -- I would again re-up that you're sorry, that you were surprised and in shock and the whole thing scared you so much you just were not at all being your best self, reacted poorly, and you took it out on her and that absolutely wasn't okay.

I would tell her that you know she is of course even more scared than you are (after all, you are not yourself pregnant, and someone who potentially has to carry a pregnancy and give birth, etc) and that you're sorry that instead of being scared with her and working together, you reacted badly. I'd then let her know you aim to do much better, whatever comes of this, moving forward. I'd leave her room to say what she needs to to you.

I would let go of the idea that if she is pregnant it is about sex besides the sex you had with her. It sounds like if she is, that's when it happened, so I'd work on accepting that as best you can and do all you can not to let your desire for this to not be true or to be about someone else color your interactions with her. It might help to just think of how you move forward from here for now as doing what you can to do the best you can by your friend and yourself, which obviously includes being a good friend.

Since she did have the positive at-home test, the next step would be to have the results verified by a doctor and to have an exam so that she has all the information she can to make choices about this (I recognize abortion isn't a choice in Brazil, so I am talking about a choice between adoption and parenting, but also about choices for her own health right now).

I'd be clear this exam isn't about proving or disproving anything, it's simply the next step we take once we get a positive test. Do you think she will be comfortable going to a healthcare provider for this?

I think you can probably wait to tell anyone else you think will not be supportive or discreet until after that exam and second test. Then, if she is in fact pregnant, you two can talk together about next steps, including who you want to tell and how and create a strategy: we can help you both or just you with that too, should the time come for that.

In the meantime, is there anyone in your life you feel you can go to for support during all of this so that you have some emotional support? Someone who also will react well? Sounds like your Dad isn't that person, but is there someone who is?

I know this is a one-two punch, but I do think you would do best to talk with your girlfriend sooner rather than later. Keeping all of this from her just isn't okay.

I think if she doesn't already know you were sexual with someone else (again, it's not sounding like you two are in an open relationship where you talk about other partners), you need to tell her that, and that you didn't use a condom, so she knows to get herself new STI tests, and also can make health choices about if she keeps not using condoms with you, if you two stay in a sexual relationship. I do also think you should probably tell her that it is possible a pregnancy may have resulted for this other sexual interaction. I probably don't have to tell you that chances are good she is not going to react well to this. If she thought you two were in something exclusive, or you agreed to be, and you had sex with someone else without her saying it was okay and knowing about it, she's going to likely be upset. If you had sex with her without a condom after this unprotected sex, she will likely be upset about that. And she is probably going to feel some kind of way about a potential pregnancy being involved.

I think that in this conversation, you are just going to need to not make excuses (like that you two were in a bad way: that's usually, after all, when people in exclusive relationships sleep with other people) and take responsibility for your choices here. I also think letting her know that you understand if she is upset and that you will also understand if she needs or wants space or time away, you get that, too, and so forth. I'd not ask anything of her at this time save for her to be sensitive of your friend per not broadcasting this to a lot of people right now, since it sounds like your friend lives in a household where this may be hard enough on her.

I know that's a lot, and of course, this whole thing is a lot, but how does that sound as a start? Do those sound like things you can do?

[rodi]

That sounds overwhelming, I'll be honest and say I wish I never had to speak to her again, never see her again, it turning out to be nothing and I just move on, i don't think that's something I can do, thank you for talking to me. I don't think I'm doing well today, a million thoughts all at once.

She's actually my neighbor, I tried talking to her while you were away but she's not answering me, I can't go see her right now as her parents are home and they are ultra religious and hate me, they think i'm trouble. I'll keep trying, I don't know if i'll be able to say all those things, i all feels weird.

I don't really have anyone I can talk to, I'm really worried about my dad too. I don't even know if im more worried about she being pregnant or what that'll do to him, if i tell my uncle or my grandparents he'll end up knowing anyways, he's sensitive to things like this, he told me many times to be safe, he got really depressed when he found out I was having sex, I don't have a mother never, he was younger than me when i was born, the woman who gave birth to me was grooming him and we were together with my grandparents until we moved out, he has mental health problems, he'll misunderstand and think it was the same, even though i'm the same age as Marcela, I'm a rape baby who fucked his life back then and now i'm doing it all over again. Now you know why this can't be happening.

Her parents are crazy strict, they'd never let her go out with me to see a doctor, I don't even know how to see a doctor by myself, my dad is the one that deals with that for me, I just turned 15, I didn't want this to happen.

I can keep trying to talk to her, maybe we can search online for it, maybe the test will be negative. I don't even know how her parents would react.

I don't think i can deal with my girlfriend right now either, it's too much, that'll have to wait, i don't even think we had sex since, I think we might, but i can't remember.

[Heather]

Oh, rodi, that's a lot to already be carrying on top of this, I'm really sorry. It's really hard to have a parent you worry about like that. Knowing you come from a sexually abusive relationship is also just so much, and I'm so sorry that you've gotten the impression you ruined your father's life. I know what it feels like to have a parent who gives you the impression you did that and it's an awful way to feel. This and her not talking with you, and worrying about her parents reaction? My heart really goes out to you.

We're all human, and by virtue of that, all make mistakes and bad judgment calls sometimes. I'm so sorry that one of yours may be turning out to come with some really have consequences when you already have had so much to deal with. I understand you not doing well: I'm not surprised. I don't think anyone would be in your position.

I think if you've already left her a text apologizing and asking to talk to her, that all you can do for right now is wait. I know that stinks, because living in not knowing with any of this is so stressful, but obviously, you can't make her talk with you.

If you don't feel ready to talk to your girlfriend yet, you don't, but I'd just implore you not to be dishonest with her. In other words, if you don't feel able to tell her about all of this, at least don't see her or talk to her and pretend it isn't going on, okay? I just feel like that will hurt her more and give you an even angrier person to have to contend with, something that will obviously be really hard for you right now.

My workday is over, but I am happy to pick this up with you tomorrow and keep talking as long as you need. Is there something you can do for yourself tonight to take care of yourself and dump at least a little of the stress you are carrying? Do you have any supportive friends you can talk with? I'm concerned about you.

[rodi]

No, my dad my dad doesnt make me feel like that. It's not like that, he puts so much effort into being a good dad, never in my life he put me in a situation that made me feel like he hates me or resents me or regrets choosing to keep me, it's the opposite, through all we've been through he always made me feel safe, cared and loved. Hes the best, id be an ungrateful lier to say he isn't. Its also just true that it hurt him to go through what he did and he tries to hide but sometimes he cant, he doesnt blame me or anything, he just gets depressed. My fear is hurting him, because he doesnt deserve to be hurt just because i act stupid. If it were up to him, id never have found out and he'd be really sad if he knew i know many things are my fault, he'd try take it for himself, even though its not his fault what he went through.

Sorry, i had to make that clear cause I don't want to make it sound like hes a bad dad.

Anyways, the girl hasn't returned any messaged and didn't answer calls, i hope tomorrow she does, i hope she says it was a false positive or something.

And we broke up, me and my girlfriend, on a call, I told her what i did, not what is happening, she got angry, don't know how she'll be with me at school, i'll avoid her, she didn't get as angry as i thought our relationship wasn't going so good anyways, maybe she was relieved being free from me.

Didn't go to the gym with dad, it's our ritual, let him think it's because of the break up. Don't know if doing a life update here helps me with dealign with this problem, i just don'y know what to do. It's late, nearly 1 am and i have school, hope we can talk tomorrow and find a solution.

[Heather]

I appreciate that context. I didn't assume he was a bad dad regardless, and I'm really glad to hear you have the relationship you do. You know, given that, while I certainly understand your worries about his emotional fragility (I get it, I also had a Dad I loved a lot with mental illness and trauma), it also sounds like maybe this is a place where he might be able to muster up some strength and support you in this. It's sounding to me like this relationship, between you and your Dad, while it also involves some caretaking on your part, a thing I get, too, is one of a lot of love and trust. I think it's worth talking about telling him. Could you say a little to me about how you feel about that, maybe some pros and cons?

I'm really sorry to hear about your girlfriend. I figured that would probably happen, but obviously,I was hoping for something better. You may be right, though, that perhaps you two were on the outs anyway. The bright side, I suppose, is that this isn't it's own whole thing for you to deal with through whatever goes on with this other situation from here.

I'm also sorry to hear your neighbor isn't answering calls or texts. Unfortunately, all you can still do is wait. In the event you do run into her in school today, I'd suggest being as gentle as you can, and just letting her know that when she feels ready, you'd really like to talk to her.

In the meantime, might it help you for us to walk through some of what you might do, what you can do -- obviously, this is something where to some degree, there's only so much that's up to you -- if it turns out she is pregnant?

I hope school is a good break for you today from all this rather than another stressor, rodi.

[rodi]

The cons is that I dont know how he'd react, he is always distrustful of girls around me, he got overwhelmed with anxiety when he found out I was having sex, not entirely my fault he was going other stuff like getting married, settling in with his wife and my little brother, but I didn't help. He lost a lot of weight, he had to stay under observation for a week cause he wasnt sleeping and eating, it's not just him being sad, I'm scared of hurting him again. The pros is that he'd know what to do, this secrecy is making me go crazy, my grandpa is a doctor of human reproduction so for sure he could find a solution if need be, but for that I'm risking killing my dad, just finding out i was having sex made him crash his car, he didnt get hurt, but it could be worse, he has a hard time separating what happened to him and what i do out my own will.

My neighbor still is avoiding me, I tried going there but her dad was there and he hates me, he just said she doesnt want to talk to me. I dont know what they will do if they find out, I don't think anything violent, but they will punish her for sure, they have this evangelical view of the world.

I dont know what will happen if shes pregnant, I never intended for her to get pregnant, I never even thought about it, i was worried about it, i dont think theres anything i can do, I'm 15 I just got to high school, i'm stupid, i play ball, i was prepping for a bjj comp this weekend, i dontk now how to deal with this.

[Heather]

By all means, this is a LOT for someone your age to be dealing with, just this possible pregnancy alone, let alone everything else on your plate. I do want to make sure that moving forward you at least know that pulling out gives you no protection from STIs and is not an effective form of pregnancy prevention, so moving forward, I hope you'll at least get yourself condoms to keep on hand and always use with any intercourse until and unless you and a partner actually want a pregnancy or are using another effective form of birth control, okay? I'm sure having sex is the last thing on your mind right now, but better to be prepared in advance. <3

I want to let you know that your dad crashing his car wasn't your fault or about what you did. You didn't hurt him. And you are not risking killing him by asking him to parent you.

It sounds like your dad crashing his car is because he laced or lacks emotional stability and proper care for his mental health (and perhaps isn't getting the help he needs with that, be it from a therapist or other people in his life). Please do not take responsibility for things like this that aren't your fault: it's no good for you, and it's also just not true. I understand the tightrope walk that is loving a mentally and emotionally unstable parent, but putting things on you that aren't your fault doesn't help anyone. This is your parent: you are ideally supposed to be able to tell them things and ask them for help, and from the sounds of things, he'd actually want you to ask for his help.

You mention your dad is married: is his wife anyone you could consider talking to for support, or at least looping in before you tall to your dad so that she can help him take care of himself if this causes him stress?

I'm sorry to hear about her parents. In terms of what you will be able to do if she is pregnant, you're right, at first it will potentially be minimal. But, if and when she does talk to you, you can offer to support her in what choices she makes with this (and then follow through if she welcomes that), and if she chooses to stay pregnant and become a parent (rather than arranging adoption), then you can also do what's within your ability to help her parent, depending on how much she wants you involved.

I do think that for now, you need to stop trying to contact her. She knows you want to talk with her, so at this point, I think the best thing to do is let her come to you if she decides she wants to. I know that's hard because you obviosuly want to know what's going on, but I just don't think anything bordering on harassing her -- though I know that's not what you intend -- is the way to go.

[Heather]

rodi, I just wanted to let you know that we're closed here tomorrow, so you don't wonder why you aren't getting an answer back in you post again. I'll check in here one more time later tonight though, in case there's anything I can help with.

[rodi]

I'm back from the gym with dad, did everything poorly, dad doesn't think its just the breakup. I'm scarec i dont like feeling like this.

I have condoms, dad put a box in my room, said I can use them for whatever i want and he wouldnt check, i just didnt like using them most of the time, I'm stupid.

He sees a therapist, but sometimes its overwhelming to him, I didnt go through what he did, i dont even know the full details, its unfair to me to revictimize him by being stubborn, and he's been working hard, he's working with my uncle to open a clinic soon, its been a dream of theirs, and id be taking his focus from that and he'd do it without thinking twice, but its just not fair.

No, I cant talk to his wife about that, we barely have a relationship we just live in the same place and shes not the kind of person who could help anyways, she's not a bad person just not useful for anything. I also realized that they got together because dad got her pregnant by accident, and i'm biased in saying this, but she isn't good for him and is more a net negative, which means he'll amke the connection to what is happening ot me and blame himself, another reason why i cant tell him, because he'll think he led me to this. Theres so many ways in my head on how telling him would be bad.

I'm not trying to harass her, i'm just nervous, things can go bad so easily, we need to talk, find a solution, am i just to sit out and have her decide everything by herself and fdo nothing, not even try to talk? it doesnt affect just her, of course i cant force her to do anythign but i can at least try to find common ground, give a perspective, how is this fair, im sure shes jus a nervou as me, its both of our futures, if she's really pregnant and if its really mine if she chooses to be a parent itd also be my child. thatsa a person, i cant be responsible for a whole person, she always talk abut hating depending on her parents and their rules, shd just be more stuck with them and thats if they chosoe to help her, thats a bad for everyone. i cant just stay idle by and hop for the best.

i've been researching online like crazy, she might not even pregnant and if she is thers ahigh chanceit will stop before the firsttrimester and ther'sthese pills people take.

[Heather]

There’s a lot to say about what you’ve said here, and I’m afraid I’m just really tapped out at this point of the day, I’m sorry.

I am going to try and circle back tomorrow sometime so you’re not waiting until Friday, but as hard as I know it is, I would hold off from trying to contact her any more for now, okay? It’s just not going to make anything better.

Again, sorry to have to ask you to wait, I know this is incredibly stressful.

[Heather]

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad's relationship, and that his wife isn't someone who can pitch in here, and I very much hope he continues working with his therapist and makes some headway. I understand, as a survivor myself, the kind of work involved in healing from abuse and assault, and I know that it can be quite a heavy lift. I do hope you remember that he is your parent though, not the other way around, and his primary focus is actually supposed to be on you, whether things are going well or whether you're in crisis. <3

I understand that you're nervous, and you're right, this isn't just about her. But I need to be frank with you: as the person who cannot themselves become pregnant, this is a lot more about her than you, and a lot more impactful to her life than yours. You're not going to have every system of your body impacted lifelong by a pregnancy and delivery. You also won't be beholden to the same kinds of cultural expectations nor stigmas a person who delivered a child is. Yes, it's both your futures, but it is far more about her than you.

Too, I don't know what people like your grandfather taught you, but the way we educate people who can create pregnancies about their choices is to make clear that most of your choice when it comes to this is a) the choice to have sex in the first place (when it is a choice, obviously), and b) then a choice to use a reliable method of contraception or not.

It sounds like you might need some tips to help make condoms feel good, but the fact remains that they were there for you and you made a choice not to use them. I get that at 15, fully grasping what the consequences of that choice could be isn't easy, but that's part what being actually ready for sex with partners involves. After these choices, most of the choices won't be with you not because it isn't fair, but because you are not the pregnant person in this equation, who should get most of the choices because they are the person this usually impacts the most in every way it can impact a person (for instance, it won't sap the calcium from your bones, or keep you from being able to go to school, or even force you to experience another being growing inside your own body when you don't want that or aren't ready).

We have a piece here from one of my books that addresses this more, and I think it might be helpful for you to read it: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sexual- ... ve-choices

There also really isn't anything for you to do here. You live in a country where she cannot access abortion*, and she gets to decide from here on out whether she involves you or not if she is pregnant. I agree, it would be much better if she would talk with you and fill you in on where things are at, but I also understand from how you reacted why she might not want to, and why she may even do what she can to involve you with this as little as possible from here on out. I'm sure you can understand that, however upsetting it may be.

I'm going to encourage you again to talk to an adult in your actual life. It's so clear you need some support, and that you are trying to carry something on your own that just isn't good for you to keep trying to do that. If you don't think your Dad is stable enough to handle it, then perhaps your grandfather can be a second choice, but I implore you to pick someone and ask for some help with this. In my eyes, you're just far too young to be grappling with this on your own and trying to figure out what the right choices are for you with just help online from someone like me.

I do want to address the last thing you said here:

i've been researching online like crazy, she might not even pregnant and if she is thers ahigh chanceit will stop before the firsttrimester and ther'sthese pills people take.

Yes, she might not be pregnant. But if she did, in fact, take a test that gave her a positive result, it is most likely because she is pregnant. The internet is ripe with terrible information about things like this. False positives are rare. You are also correct that not all pregnancies last to term without anyone doing anything. But that isn't something to count on nor is it particularly likely. Lastly, you are talking about abortion pills, which are also mostly criminalized in Brazil, like surgical abortion. Not only do I think it isn't sound to be considering abortion when you are not the person pregnant -- that's for her to consider, if she wants to -- but please understand it would likely be legally risky for her. Might she be able to access them anyway if she wants to terminate her pregnancy? Yes. But it's tricky -- she'd likely have to buy them black market -- and would also probably very hard to hide the process in her home, and, it sounds like, hard for her to access healthcare she'd need if anything went wrong.

Ultimately, though, all of these kinds of thoughts may be more magical thinking than anything else, and all the internet searching, too, something I understand in this situation, but which I think is less useful than you telling someone in your life and getting some in-person support for whatever comes from here, because most of it is and will be out of your control.

I really hope that you'll consider this advice and tell an adult in your life. <3

[rodi]

hi heather, i've read your article, its terrifying becuase i can do nothing, and i guess its not unfair because its my mistake, i dnt care beforehand cause i thought it wouldnt happen but i knew it could happen, i coudlve done better, but now its too late to complain i dont have a choice. i dont have power, but i got here because the power i had i didnt resposnsinle i was

she talked to me, she said she was scarrd of me, how i racted, scared of me, said i got all red my tone was angry and i was scary, i dint know i reactd like that, i was just nervous, she misundertsood and i dint epress myself we to begin with, i might become a dad and fitst act was make its mother fear

sie said its my fault, that i didnt do it right, she called me things then she got really angry, and she was right, that was matter of time and she was just unlucky, then she cried and screamed and she grabbed my arms and pinched so hard theres stil marks, and i was just there letting her cause she was righ, sie demanded i take it out of her, so she thinks of that too, its not me just me.

sorry ive been wasting your time with i am garbage heather, cause i ask for help but nothing i can do anyways, just making it worse by wasting time, cause i havent slept much these days and all i have are bad thougts in my head, i'm really sorry for that, i just googled and it pointed me here, i was too stupid to realize i am just wasting resources

i'm going to tell my dad soon, i hpe he takes wit well, i just cant do it alone maybe he'll know the answers, i dontk now, think i had a panic attack after she left, i was worried about grades and sports and ut maybe baby

[Heather]

You’re not garbage or wasting anything. This is what we’re here for.

I just wanted to let you know that before sleep, but I will circle back to the rest of this tomorrow. I hope you can care for yourself tonight.

[Heather]

Good morning, rodi. Thanks for waiting on me.

It sounds like things are pretty terrible and toxic between the two of you, and I'm really sorry about that, since that obviously makes everything far more difficult and scary. Given what you described when you first posted, I'm not surprised she felt scared in your initial exchange, but it sounds like she is being pretty scary herself: pinching you like that is physical abuse, and it isn't okay to do to anyone, you very much included. I get it, the stakes are really high and you are both young, likely emotionally unequipped to deal with this, and, from the sounds of things, just a bad mix together, period, but both of your behavior around this with each other has been pretty awful. I really hope that you two can turn it around, because especially in the event she does carry through with this pregnancy and become a parent, you're going to need to learn to get along and manage things with more calm and care for this kid's sake, you know?

If by your fault and you not doing it right she means you didn't withdraw correctly, like I said, it's one of the least effective forms of pregnancy prevention because it's actually difficult to "do it right." The reasons she's become pregnant isn't because you didn't withdraw correctly, it's because you two decided (together, I assume) to do that rather than to use a condom or another far more effective form of birth control. Unless this wasn't consensual sex, as I understand it, you two chose to be sexual together and in the way you did. I know she's upset, too, and this is not a consequence wither of you wanted, but you're not solely responsible for what happened here, you both are.

You can't "take it out of her," her pregnancy. Not only is that outside your power and ability, it's also something that could get you both, especially you, in big legal trouble. If she wants to actually consider abortion, rather than screaming at you and making dramatic demands like this, this is something for her -- or both of you, if she's willing to do this with you and not harm you in the process -- to research and see what options she has and what she's willing to risk. For your own information, and if you want to share it with her, I would look at Aid Access is you or she think that using the abortion pill is something she might be able to do, want to do, and be willing to take any legal risk it carries: https://aidaccess.org/en/

If she decides that it something she wants to do, we have resources here on the site like I shared earlier to walk you or she through it.

Again, you don't need to be sorry for coming here: I am really glad you did, because you deserve help and support with this. Like I said earlier, we are all just human beings, and we all fuck up sometimes, including in some big ways. It also doesn't sound like either of you were particularly well educated about the risk you were taking: it's not anyone's fault if they didn't get good sex ed.

I am really glad that you plan to tell your Dad soon. I agree, trying to go through this without support in person from an adult in your life is asking much too much of yourself. It would be too much for someone 35 when it was wanted, let alone 15 when it wasn't. I really hope he handles it well, too. If there's anything I can do to help with that, please let me know. We run a live chat here where I'm always happy to talk with parents, too, and I'd even be happy to hop on a Zoom with him iof it helps and he's an English speaker (alas, I am a total failure at Portuguese). <3

[rodi]

Hi Heather, I'm back here again.

Last night I told my dad what was happening, thankfully he took it a lot better than I was expecting, he was nervous at first, but he helped me calm down and is now in dad mode, he won't say but he's obviously disappointed in me, but he's also not stuck in bed or going down to the garage in his underwear not responding to people talking to him like a robot. I'll get a victory wherever I can. Despite all what he taught me, and me ignoring it, he didn't go I told you so, despite me deserving that.

Today, I don't think like the whole world is about to explode, I'm still very scared and nervous, but less so.

I didn't go to school today, dad spent the whole morning talking to me, calming me down, explaining stuff, considering options. He wants to make new rules for me, I don't know what that'll be about. There were several things we disagree, he says he needs to prepare to talk to her parents and he doesn't know how it'll go, I don't think they need to know, they won't have her best interests in mind. We talked about the possibility of abortion, he said it depends on her and her parents, I tried to explain that her parents would never agree, he said that it's a delicate thing and can't be hidden, and if she herself and her parents aren't in on it there's simply nothing we can do. He said he can't even take her to a proper test without her parents knowing cause that's kidnapping., but at least he did confirm to me that if comes to that, he can get the proper medication. That alone gives me a lot of peace of mind.

One huge problem is that he's insisting that there's a chance a child might come out of it and that I have to be prepared for that. That's inadmissible when there's a solution at hand and she seems to want it. He was talking to grandpa and uncle about this stuff, it feels weird having my family discuss these things, but I know they want the best out of our screw up.

What I'm really worried is about her family, her dad, he and my dad nearly fought once cause her dad thought I was too close to his daughter. He's like a big dumb tomato full of hate and stupid ideas, he thinks the devil put dinosaur bones into the ground to deceive people and his face is always sunburnt because he's a redhead who thinks sunscreen makes you gay, he's not the person who should be in charge of anything. Dad say they wouldn't be the first conservatives to change their mind when it's their daughter, but it's stupid to rely on that.

I talked with her too, through whatsapp, she's still in panic. We don't go to the same school, I'd have asked a friend to check on her, she's sending me messages she wants it out of her, then she asks what I think will be the baby's hair and eye color, then she blames me for being too dumb to pull out even though I did and says she hates its my genes inside her, then she asks me if I'd rather have a boy or a girl. I'm really worried about her, she seems to be worse than I was, which is fair, but she doesn't have a supportive family. I asked dad to talk to her first, he said he'll try. She should be back home now, but she's not answering i'm giving her time.

So, I thought what I need to do. Stop dad from involving her parents, else they'll make everything difficult and get the pills independently of my family in case our parents don't cooperate. Is that Aid Access US only? Can it deliver to south brazil in time? I've been looking online, but it's difficult, I'm a guy I don't know where women go to get those things in secret, I don't want to buy any random pill that might not work or worse just harm. How do I know misoprostol is real and will work as intended, I read that we have up until week 12 and we are in week 4, I think. I tried to search for alternatives but they seem more unsafe and harder to get. Can she hide the symptoms, best thing possible would be doing it without her parents ever knowing, I read that it's indistinguishable from a non-induced miscarriage, but that would still make them know she was pregnant. The second test she took was also positive, but what if she isn't pregnant, how unsafe would it be to take the pill, I don't want to hurt her more than I am already hurting.

It would have been so much easier if I got pregnant instead of her.

And my dad does speak English, but I'd rather not have him here, for anonymity and cause I might need to do things behind his back.

[Heather]

I am so, so glad to hear that you told him and that he's handling it well. I'm deeply relieved for you and I am so glad that you now have that extra support. I'm happy to stick around as long as you'd like, too, but I just can't do what a parent in person can, so this is great news. I also get it feels awkward to have your whole family involved, but from the sounds of things, that actually means more support for you, so I think that's a good thing.

I do agree with your Dad that you need to try and prepare yourself for the possibility of a continued pregnancy and a kid coming out of this. I'm with you that if a termination is something she wants and is able to access (and accept any legal risks of), then ideally, that's what should happen. But I also agree with your Dad that all of you need to be careful with what you do without her parents involvement because of your own legal risks. I hate to say this, because I don't want to disrupt the calm it sounds like you've been able to come by after this talk with your Dad, but I think you all need to even be prepared for her parents trying to file or present this as a sexual assault, in which case, anything else you did, like taking her to the doctor without their permission, could really land you in danger.

I do NOT think it is at all a good idea to try and stop your father from involving her parents in the way you are thinking. She's a minor, and you live in a country where abortion is criminalized. I think that would be a very bad idea for everyone involved. As I said, and your father also has, even if she can and does access abortion pills, she will likely feel poorly for a handful of days and have bleeding and other things to manage. It might be something someone can hide, but it might not, and she sounds like someone who would probably have a very hard time doing that. Plus, sometimes healthcare is needed after the fact. However, I DO hope your father or anyone else who is thinking about talking to her parents will check in with her about this first. Taking the choice of telling her parents or not away from her doesn't feel at all considerate to me, especially when her choices are already so limited, you know?

Two positive tests make it very clear she is[ pregnant, so I'm sorry, rodi, but I think you need to work on just accepting that. I also do not think that you are the right person to try and obtain pills for her, for a handful of reasons, her own autonomy being #1 of those. Aid Access is international: if you want to see how it would work for her to get the pills -- and you know the pills are legit when they come from a reputable source like Aid Access, it's black market pills that can often be fake -- you can walk yourself through this to see how it works: https://aidaccess.org/en/i-need-an-abortion

Up where I added a link to the text "abortion pills" in a previous reply, there was an in-depth article from us about self-managed abortion via pills: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/pregnan ... l-abortion. When used properly -- and when a person using them has the ability to get to healthcare if needed -- they are perfectly safe. On the whole, safe abortion is less risky than any pregnancy is: pregnancy itself isn't exactly safe, it poses a lot of risks to a pregnant person, even in the best situation.

Per pregnancy symptoms, it all depends on how long she remains pregnant for. Typically, there won't be a lot of symptoms in the first few months anyone but the person themselves pregnant can notice, but I am also concerned about her hiding this from everyone but you. Just like I think it was really important you had an adult in your life for help and support, I also really want that for her. At the very least, perhaps you can give her the link to us so she has someone else to talk to? I would also be happy to talk with her to help see if we can't help her identify someone in person she can talk with.

I don't think it would have been much easier for anyone in this situation, just to be clear. Even when it is very much wanted, abortion isn't always easy, especially in a place where it isn't legal: I just want to make sure you know that so that you can be sure to talk with her with sensitivity about this. her going back and forth like she is with you is pretty typical, and the same may be the case with what choice she ultimately wants to make. Even if abortion pills are an option for her, I think you need to accept that may or may not be what she chooses. Becoming pregnant when you didn't expect to and when you're so young can be really confusing, especially for people growing up with conservative (and from the sounds of her Dad, anyway, just plain awful) family and in a place where abortion isn't supported. You should expect that whatever winds up happening, her feelings may be all over the place, and once/if more of the hormones of pregnancy start kicking in, that can make everything feel all the more chaotic.

I understand about not wanting to share this space with your father, no worries. Just know it's on offer should it ever feel like the right thing. I also want to make sure you know that you get to set limits with this girl: being supportive of her should not have to mean tolerating verbal and emotional or any other abuse. You get to tell her that you understand her feeling badly, but that it isn't okay to say mean things to you and to ask her to stop. That isn't good for either of you.

I will be away from work for the rest of the day today through Monday, but I will at least try and check in briefly Sunday in case anything new has come up. Hang in there, I think you're doing a good job with this. <3