Worst sex partner in the world😭😭😭

[BabyTammy]

I've had past sexual experiences yeah ...one good one. only oneeeee!!!!
But at the beginning of every one, I always feel like I'm loosing my virginity all over again
It hurts like hell and my partner isn't able to enter easily.
The consequence of this unfortunate situation you might ask?
I tell them to take off the condom just so they can fit
I shouldn't compromise like that.
Now! When we begin, I keep chanting in my head "This is for my pleasure, my pleasure alone"
But then it hurtssss even when they've gotten through the entrance
There's this spot deep inside that idk...hurts unbearably and I keep pushing him back, out of reflex and I ruined his orgasm cuz he couldn't stand how uncomfortable I was feeling.
Now instead of receiving, I'm just waiting for him to cum cuz idk that's like a pat on the head for the pain I'm biting the inside of my cheek for( He didn't cum, cuz he needed more time to get there and I couldn't bear it for a long time)....I mean other guys in the past had released because they didn't really get to that spot yeah...but he just had to keep hitting it and I just couldn't stand it so we gave up.
Oh. getting fingered (one finger) feels like heaven.
Do I have a problem?

[Latha]

Hello BabyTammy!

I am concerned to hear that sex is regularly so painful for you, but I am glad you reached out to us. We can chat about what you and your partner might try to make sex less painful and more pleasurable.

First things first: While I wouldn't say that the pain is a problem with you or your body, exactly, it is an issue that needs to be addressed. Pain is a sign from your body that something isn't right--it is not something you have to endure to feel good. When sex hurts, you should stop and slow down, and try to make adjustments that will make whatever activity you are doing feel better--in terms of the sex you are having, that might look like:

• using more lube

• changing your position

• changing the depth or speed of intercourse, or

• changing the activity itself. If penis-in-vagina sex isn't working for you right now, you can still have pleasurable sex with your partner though other activities. (You've mentioned that being fingered does feel good--that is a good alternative for insertive sex.)

Listening and responding to the information your body gives you in these ways will make it easier to feel good during sex. Pushing through pain, on the other hand, could injure you, and is likely to give you negative associations around sex and increase tension in your body--both responses that are not conducive to pleasure, but are very understandable when sex so often hurts.

Rest assured that you are not the worst sex partner in the world--there are many other people trying much harder in competition for that dubious honor. Sex just isn't working as expected for you, and that happens to essentially everyone at many points in life. Experiencing pain and not being able to have penis-in-vagina intercourse doesn't make you a bad partner--you are not obligated to provide that to your partner. Nor does it mean you can't have pleasurable sex with them. As we try to figure out the source of this pain, I hope your partner and you can work together to find the kinds of sex that feel good to both of you.

On that note, can you tell us a little more about your relationship? Do you feel comfortable talking to your partner about sex? Has he been receptive to feedback and requests for change in the past?

I keep chanting in my head "This is for my pleasure, my pleasure alone"

I know we often talk about how pleasure is very dependent on your mental state, but telling yourself to expect to feel good will not help enough when you are regularly in a lot of pain.

I tell them to take off the condom just so they can fit I shouldn't compromise like that.

It sounds like you are aware that asking your partner to take their condom off isn't a good idea. I agree--it is there to protect your partner's health and your own. Removing a condom is also unlikely to help with the pain you've noticed, unless it is caused by an allergy to the material in the condom.

I ruined his orgasm cuz he couldn't stand how uncomfortable I was feeling.

I think it makes sense that your partner was not okay with the discomfort you were feeling, and that he was not able to feel good in his own body or orgasm in that context. I would not frame this as you ruining his orgasm--you didn't intend to keep him from orgasming, and that sounds like a very self-blaming way to talk about you being in pain.

I want to share an article of ours that goes into detail about the causes of pain during intercourse. Would you look over it, and tell us about anything that seems relevant to your situation?: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

It is good to know that manual sex with one finger is pleasurable. If I may ask, do you have a sense of how many fingers you can take comfortably, and when you start feeling pain and discomfort?

[BabyTammy]

Well, I went through the article
And yes I understand that the health aspect of it is very important
I'll be checking that soon

But as embarrassing as this is to say...
I know when I'm turned on
And I was recently chilling(Not exactly chilling...) with one of my female friends yeah...and I got super aroused
And she did tooo
We both have boyfriends

I've never gotten that aroused with any guy before
And even if not her
It could be any random girl
But I don't think I am attracted to girls like all butterflies in my tummy or having crushes on them...
Am I broken?

[Straif]

Hi BabyTammy,

Latha's advice is spot on, and I'm glad you found the article helpful. So, let's focus on what's up with you and your friend. I'm not sure why you would think it's embarrassing to know whether or not you're turned on? (That seems like a good thing.) You're not broken, and there's nothing wrong with being attracted to different people. BUT it's important to go about exploring those attractions in ways that show respect and care for all involved, including you. It doesn't seem like engaging in sexual activity with your friend when one or both of you have other partners shows that respect and care, does it? (If that's not what you're implying, I apologize, but what I'm about to say applies whether you already acted on your attraction to each other or not.)

It's time for a little honesty-- with yourself, with each other, and with your respective partners. Do you want to keep seeing your boyfriend? Does she want to keep seeing hers? Would your boyfriend want to keep seeing you if they knew you were engaging in sexual activity with someone else? How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Asking those questions is inevitably going to lead to some uncomfortable-- but necessary-- conversations between you and your friend and you and your boyfriend.

In the meantime, I want to address what you said about feeling aroused with other women but not feeling "crushes" or "butterflies." Who, when, and how we are attracted to tends to vary widely over the course of our lives. We've got a lot of great articles that talk about different types of attraction and desire. Here are a few of them:

How to Identify and Make Choices About Desire

Untangling Gender, Attraction, and Relationships

Rainbow Connection: Sexual Orientation for Everyone

The bottom line is that it's okay to have different types of attraction to different types of people. If we are going to act on those feelings, we have to do so in ways that show compassion and respect for ourselves and others. Another way to put it is to think of emotional safety in sex and relationships as being equally important to physical safety. We've got good articles about both:

Safer Sex For Your Heart

Safe, Sound, and Sexy: A Safer Sex How To