I thought I wanted to date him, but I don’t—how do I tell him?

[Asking Queries]

Hi everyone,

I’ve known Avril for about 3 years, and had a crush on him for about 2 of those years. He’s one of my two best friends. About 3 months ago, I asked if I could flirt with him, and he said yes; he then clarified that he might also be interested in dating. (This was described in “my crush likes me back hehehe”, in which Avril is called ‘A’.)
We went on a rather awkward first date. It was awkward in part because afterwards, I realized that he was a lot more nervous than me (I’m perhaps oddly brave about romance), and that I was too forward about a few things. (Nothing unwanted happened or was close to happening, but I still messed up.) We haven’t talked about our feelings towards each other or the date since.

About a month ago, I met and immediately started crushing on Tex, an incredibly handsome, funny, and smart trans masc person. Because of Tex, I’ve realized that I’m not as attracted to Avril as I thought I was—I like the idea of kissing Avril or holding hands with him, but not as much as I like the idea of doing those things with Tex. I feel like dating Avril would be settling, and I don’t think that would fair to me or him.

I haven’t told Avril what I’ve realized yet, for a few reasons:
1. Even though he and I haven’t dated, I still feel like I’ve fallen for someone else/cheated on him by becoming attracted to (and flirting with) Tex.
2. I also feel guilty for initiating things with Avril and then being the one stopping them. The third reason is that I don’t know how much Avril wants to date me, and I’m worried that I’m going to break his heart. (I don’t think he’s particularly interested, but I don’t know for sure, and that worries me.)
3. Avril’s family is moving to the other side of the country, and Avril is very stressed about this. (Avril is staying here, not moving with them.) I don’t want to stress and upset him even more by telling him, but I know that I need to. This is the most significant reason.

I love him platonically, I want to cause as little hurt as possible, and I deeply want him and I to keep being friends. I feel awful about this. My reasons for not being particularly attracted to him are about what I find attractive, not about him as a person. He’s a wonderful guy.

Any advice on how to tell him would be appreciated.

Thank you.
- AQ

[char]

Hi AskingQueries! I hope it's okay to ask some questions, so we can work out how to best let Avril know about this.

When Avril said he's interested in dating, does he mean that one-time date that went (in your words) awkward, or changing how things go in your relationship and what you call that relationship? I wonder if this is something you've discussed together. The same goes to Tex. After the interaction you had with him a few weeks ago, are there any updates you find notable?

I get your hesitance on telling Avril due to the reasons you mentioned above, especially the last one. I do believe it could be a good idea to hold off from telling him until the move is done. During this time, you might want to try getting a greater impression of how he wants to have this relationship with you going forward. Do you think that would be doable?

[Asking Queries]

Hi char,

That’s definitely ok. Avril and I haven’t addressed the topic at all, even vaguely, so I don’t have an answer for your first question (I wish I did…). If it helps, my idea of dating—which Avril knows about—is close friendship plus spending more time together plus romantic physical intimacy (kissing, hand holding, making out, etc).

Regarding Tex, them and I have messaged a tiny bit since my last post about them, which has basically consisted of:
- me saying “hey do you want to hang out” (we had discussed hanging out when talking in person);
- them saying “sorry I was/am super busy”;
- me saying “oh ok”, me then waiting and sending another message after a while (I wasn’t sure whether they saw the reply);
- them saying “sorry I’m still busy but for a different reason”;
- me saying “oh ok” but in a different way and waiting (that’s the current situation).
My other best friend aside from Avril and I are both uncertain whether Tex is actually interested. I’m kinda internally screaming into a pillow, because they’re super handsome and seemed really nice and smart and funny and I’m very much hoping that they are genuinely busy and not just unwilling to say that they’re not interested. So in summary: no, but in a painful way.

I think that I could talk to Avril about our relationship, but probably only about how their move (and getting-a-job) situation is going to change our friendship. I don’t think I could bring up our romantic feelings towards each other without it being necessary to talk about the date and (not) dating.

I hope this answers your questions. Feel free to ask more or ask for clarification if I haven’t, I’m rather sleepy…

Thanks,
- AQ

[amber]

Hi AQ!

Thanks for sharing more information!

I honestly think that looking at the two relationships together is doing you more harm than good. They are two separate situations, which although they feel connected, really are not.

To start with Avril, I think you need to have a conversation. You both have a committed friendship and it seems like you want to continue to foster that. Sometimes we think we want a relationship to change but in practice it doesn't work out. I wouldn't be surprised if Avril was feeling similar things to you. Either way, you do not 'owe' anyone feelings. You said you now feel like dating Avril would be settling, so it seems you've already decided you want to keep the relationship as a friendship. Now you just need to communicate that. Here is an article on communication that may offer some helpful tips -- Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship.

With Tex, I think time will need to tell if they are interested like you are. It seems like you've tried to make an effort to see them again , which they turned down. The ball is now in their court - they need to make a move when they get less busy if they are interested in hanging out. Of course if you want to message them again you can, but I mean it is also up to them to initiate connection.

I threw a lot at you, how does it all feel?