Idk what I am

[Penny]

So like I’m kind of confused about my sexual orientation. First, I’ve always had crushes on some guys in school and such but at the same time, i felt this sort of tension or something towards some girls like wanting them to notice me or something…idk. And then, as I grew older I really liked watching shows with lesbian couples in them, and yet I didn’t really feel turned on yk I just liked watching it for some reason. Like I like watching it more than straight couples. But also, when I watch porn, I can only get off when it’s a guy jerking himself.

[char]

Hi there Penny. Welcome to the boards!

When you mentioned being confused about your sexual orientation, what kind of expectations and/or assumptions do you have about it? How would you define being straight, bisexual, and lesbian on your own terms? I am asking because I think this can help you see how it relates to how you feel about the differences in your romantic attraction, sexual attraction, show preferences, and so on. Regardless of how someone describes their own sexual orientation, these nuances are very much typical of human sexuality.

Adding to my first question, what do you know about sexual orientation from those around you? To my knowledge, Canada is relatively progressive and accepting of LGBTQ+ folks, but what about on a smaller scale--like the folks in your family, school/university, and/or work? Would you say their ideas have influenced what you think of your sexual orientation?

[Penny]

Hi, thank you for your reply.
To answer your question, my family isn’t very accepting of this whole thing, and even I grew up to be quite intolerant of it. For example even at school, it has been something that has been made fun of and ridiculed between me and my friends not something that is part of everyday life…And for example, whenever in real life someone in my surroundings has turned out to be gay or lesbian, I don’t know why but it has just made me want to get away from them and have nothing to do with them…
Speaking of expectations and assumptions, well I am well aware that sexuality is a spectrum and everything, but I suppose being straight means that you find your opposite sex attractive and that you feel nothing whatsoever towards women in my case? And that it’s the opposite for lesbians? Like this is why I’m confused, because romantically and sexually I’m just both of these but none of these…

[Latha]

Hello, Penny!

You say you don't know why you feel the way you do around the lesbian or gay people you meet in real life, but I think you've already said something that might explain it: If you grew up in environments where queerness is not accepted, if you know intimately how queer people are made fun of, it makes sense that you would not want anything to do with any gay or lesbian person you see--associating with them with risks you being subjected to the same treatment.

What do you think of that? It sounds as though you've become more familiar with positive views of gay people as you've gotten older, like through the shows you mentioned with lesbian couples. Has that translated to feeling more comfortable around and positive about queer people in real life? Do you spend time in spaces where LGBTQ+ people are welcomed?

I suppose being straight means that you find your opposite sex attractive and that you feel nothing whatsoever towards women in my case? And that it’s the opposite for lesbians?

That is essentially correct, though because human beings are diverse and complicated, there are always some who don't fit exactly in strictly-defined categories. There are certainly straight people who experience no attraction to those of their gender, and lesbians who are not at all interested in men. Other times, people can choose to use this language because it is the best fit to communicate about how they experience attraction, even where there are some exceptions.

Like this is why I’m confused, because romantically and sexually I’m just both of these but none of these…

Another word that Char mentioned earlier is 'bisexual'. Bisexuality is where you feel attraction to people of more than one gender. Some bisexual people experience attraction to men and women in the same way; others feel different kinds or degrees of attraction, or experience attraction to people of different genders in different contexts. Bisexuality can describe all of these experiences.

How does that sound? If bisexuality resonates with you, you can identify as bisexual. Or, you could keep these terms in mind, and give yourself time learn more about and have more experiences with attraction, so you have more data to work with.

We have resources about sexuality and questioning your identity. I'll leave a few that you might like to read here:

• The Bees and...the Bees: A Homosexuality and Bisexuality Primer

• Q is for Questioning

• The Answers (for Now)