Late night/early morning gender realizations.

[ratherslowseal]

It is nearing 2 AM and I can't sleep in tomorrow, but it's running through my brain, so let's go.

I think I have come to the conclusion that my reluctance to identify with maleness stems more from dysphoria around not embodying the sexual characteristics of an endosex man rather than simply not being being male at all.

For a relatively long time (to my lifespan, that is), ever since I became self-conscious about it, I have been hesitant to refer to my attraction to men as gay or homosexual and instead just label it as queer. The more I consider it, the more I think that this choice isn't/wasn't actually an authentic reflection of the nature of my attraction, but rather a category that I was, in some way, forced or relegated into without knowing it.

I have internalized the idea that, because of my non-binary transition (i.e. I do not wish to have my sex characteristics wholly reflect that of an endosex man) and the fact that my gender is not exclusively male, that I am "not allowed" to inhabit the territory of being male and what comes with it. That it invalidates my attraction being towards the same (or, more similar than different) sex than I.

It is intertwined with the pressure put on trans men to feminize ourselves, to forgo certain paths or aspects of transition in order to minimize the physical markers of a masculine and/or male identity and make us more "desirable". I think part of me feels that I would not be wanted if I did not fit the mold of a small, skinny, androgynous/borderline tomboyish, white trans boy so well. But it's not really these qualities that I dislike, because they just happen to describe me, I just happen to physically align with a certain stereotype. It's that I feel like, because of these characteristics, I am placed into a script where my identity is only allowed to orbit manhood as opposed to inhabiting and passing over it as well. Where I can only be subordinate, as opposed to a partner on equal footing. Maybe a weird metaphor but I hope it gets the point across.

For a while now I've been going by both "they" and "he" pronouns, though most people only use "he", and I find the trend interesting but I don't mind it. I started to ask people to use "he" as well after I realized that it is a really effective way to get people to conceptualize my gender correctly. At a certain point I realized that most people truly do not know and do not realize the expansiveness of non-binary gender identities/experiences, so by only offering "they" I don't do myself any favors in communicating to other people that I am way closer to being a man than anything close to a woman. I have now realized that, similarly, describing myself only with neutral labels (or at least anything that doesn't specifically confirm maleness) feels... defensive? See the above paragraph. On the other hand, asserting maleness, or at least my proximity to it, feels proactive. It does not give people room for misinterpretation, except for not providing a complete picture on its own. Which is fine for strangers and most people.

I also have some thoughts about "they/he" versus "he/they". Maybe I'm thinking too hard but IDK. I just really wonder how most people interpret this difference in order. I feel like the most straightforward assumption is that the former is prioritized and taken to be more integral than the latter. Like with the former, it would seem more acceptable to basically exclusively use "they", but with the latter it would be acceptable to exclusively use "he" instead. But also, I highly doubt most people are gendering me based on my pronoun pin and are instead just reading me as male because I look like a little twink-y metalhead and I sound like a dude. Except when they misunderstand my name to be a feminine one which shares the first syllable. It only happens once in a while but I'm still figuring that one out. Maybe I just need to enunciate my words better.

Accepting the fact that I can be a man, or at least male in some way, feels very authentic, but also somewhat scary. It's new. It also brings up some friction, or, makes friction which already existed more undeniable. That being that my boyfriend is closeted. Very early into our relationship, before we were together really, he told his mother/parents that he had a date with me (mostly his mother. His dad is... somewhat emotionally checked out. I had never met a workaholic until then.) before I got the chance to have a conversation about if and how to disclose about the nature of our relationship and what gender his parents were under the assumption that I was. Unfortunately, that gender is Girl. So they are under the impression that I am his girlfriend. Totally heterosexual couple. Weird. He has tried to convey to them that I am non-binary but they do not really get that.

But, the thing is, I do not really want to be non-binary to most people, it is so much easier for me to just be a guy if the other person in question is not going to understand the expansiveness or nuances of being non-binary that allow for me to inhabit that and also be close to maleness. It is really easy to still be misgendered if I am conveyed as just being non-binary/neutral because it doesn't confirm a male identity that my voice, dress (I will usually purposefully present as masculine to do this, if I don't then I'll get misgendered more), and name already suggest. Also I just have a terrible hunch that most people view "non-binary" as "thing weird girls do" which is unhelpful and barely better than straight up being misgendered. I'm sure some people have a better experience with that though.

But, the thing is, if I am not going to be misgendered, then my identity has to explicitly contradict what his family (excluding his younger brother) believe me to be, that of basically a (albeit strangely gender non-conforming and deep-voiced with a man's name, lol) heterosexual woman. It would out him, or necessitate him coming out. Which is scary and uncomfortable. I mean, I was fucking terrified that my mother would have a bad reaction, I put it off for years, and I ended up with an extremely supportive parent. I can only imagine what it's like to consider coming out to a family with a religious/Catholic background. On the other hand, my discomfort and the invalidation of my identity is the other side to his comfort as someone believed to be straight.

I could possibly continue but I have only a little more than four hours of sleep time remaining.

[Latha]

Hi there, Ratherslowseal! I'm glad this is a space where you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, and I hope you've been able to get some rest.

... Maybe a weird metaphor but I hope it gets the point across.

I wouldn't say that is a weird metaphor--it gets your point across well. All I can say is that I agree. You do not need to avoid androgyny or make your body or gender match those of the most unambiguously 'masculine' endosex men. Manhood and homosexuality/gayness are yours to claim if you want them--not conditionally, not as a subordinate, but as an equal. Congratulations on coming to this understanding of yourself, and for advocating for yourself with other people! Strategizing to make people gender you correctly can really be challenging because people do have so many different unhelpful ideas about the subject.

if I am not going to be misgendered, then my identity has to explicitly contradict what his family (excluding his younger brother) believe me to be, that of basically a (albeit strangely gender non-conforming and deep-voiced with a man's name, lol) heterosexual woman. It would out him, or necessitate him coming out.

I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend's parents have been misgendering you, and that they might not be at all supportive if he came out. If I may ask, have you had the chance recently to talk to your boyfriend about the discrepancy between who your are and the way his parents see you? Have you had a conversation about how much he is comfortable taking a stand with his parents, and what realistically might happen if he does?

Is your boyfriend closeted to people other than his parents? Would acknowledgement and recognition from other people and places in his life make you feel more validated about your identity and relationship?