Advice on following what you want

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! I’ve been thinking about what my therapist told me about trying to follow what I want and try to refrain from thinking about other people. This is regards to my gender transition and I’ve been feeling stuck recently. I’ve had short haircuts, dressed more masculine. I’m not out with my preferred name in all settings. I haven’t gotten to fully trying out he/him. I was on T for like three months but stopped. I think a lot about what other people may think and want versus centering what I want. I often decenter myself.

[mikky]

Hey Berkeley2003,
I find a lot of us are challenged to pick out what we want from what other people want for us, or what we think we should want, or limit ourselves in wanting at all because it feels bad or shameful to want. I’m glad this is something you are thinking about and willing to try centering yourself more.
When you reflect on the gender-affirming steps you have taken, like cutting your hair, do those moments feel like you were driven by what you wanted?
Have you identified what it is that you want? If yes, what do YOU want?
Are there specific people you consider the opinions of a lot/center? Is it more generally the idea of “other people”? Both?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! I’m sorry for replying late.

Yes, I do want to attempt to center myself more. I honestly find that I’m fearful of centering myself more b/c it will somehow “push people away”. I don’t think that’s the case given the people I have in my circles. It’s an emotional fear.

When I cut my hair the shortest it’s ever been, it did feel like it was driven by my want. My hair is long at the moment, b/c I don’t have immediate money for a haircut. I want it to be short again and at the same time, I think the long hair grants me some safety. Safety as in typical immediate legibility as a “female”.

Have I identified what I want? That feels like such a tough question. I know I want to get over my stalling around going by my preferred name. I’m planning to chat with one friend and tell her. I think I’m interested in top surgery so I need to follow up with my provider. I don’t really know what to do about my pronouns? I’ve been mainly going by they/them in all my circles. I don’t know if I want he/him? I guess the only way is to know by earnestly trying than being afraid.

I think I center and worry about “other people” in general. I do feel like I consider the cis male gaze too much.

I wish this wasn’t so complicated. I wish I would focus more on what would make me happy in the long run.

[amber]

Hi Berkeley2003,

There is no rush/need to respond! We are here on your timeline.

Like mikky said, it is unfortunately not uncommon for us to put more weight on the feelings of others than what it is we want for ourselves. It sounds like you already try out centering your own desires in spaces where you feel safe (like with your friends). I think this is a great place to start and grow from.

What would be most helpful for you from us? We could also always just be a place to rant.

[Berkeley2003]

Thank you! Yeah, I think I’m feeling some shame for not making big steps forward. I feel like I’m at an impasse. I’m just scared and afraid deep down.

I feel the most impasse with preferred name and pronouns. I’m especially ashamed of it. I wish I could be in this old queer/trans support group I was in. I’m just waiting to be employed and have steady income to participate in that support group. I felt the most comfortable in that setting.

I know that growth happens when you push yourself through discomfort, but I’m having a hard time acting on it.

I think having a place to vent is helpful. Maybe coaching me through the impasse that I earlier described?

[char]

Hi Berkeley2003! While I may not share your exact concerns, living in a place where you're expected to prioritize collective comfort over individual expression is something I've experienced. It definitely takes time for me to recognize that it's okay for me to want things for myself and to be the person I want to be, without thinking that I'm "betraying" those around me or being "selfish."

This may feel pedantic, but I think a lot of talk surrounding change is associated with drastic and even violent imageries. You know, the whole "leaving your comfort zone" and "change is pain" stuff. While that can work for some people, I think framing growth this way can be anxiety-inducing. It's okay to take shorter leaps and celebrate small wins incrementally. It's okay to expand your comfort zone rather than abandon it entirely. As Amber said, you're already in a better circumstances than you were in the past; you know what kind of person you are and how you want to present yourseld to the world. Whether it takes months or years for you to transition, props to you for making a change that improves your wellbeing.

Adding to what Mikky and Amber said, I also think being worried about how people perceive us—especially those we cherish—is completely understandable. After all, often there are people in our lives that we want to keep around because we feel safe and comfortable with them, or we might depends on them for certain things. But ultimately, we are the main focus of our transition journey. Whether or not they support us, we are still going to be ourselves. If anything, any rejection or harm you face for being trans says more about them (they are someone who lacks curiosity and compassion) than it says about you. Do you get what I mean?