Feeling guilty about fantasizing about a friend/classmate

[st4t1c_scr34m]

Hi everyone,

I am 19 and recently graduated high school. I am starting to explore solo intimacy using sex ed guides to understand and manage my urges.

There is a longtime classmate of mine with whom I’ve had a "slow burn" connection. We have both acknowledged we have feelings for each other, but because we are moving to colleges far apart, we mutually decided not to get into a relationship right now.

My issue is that during solo intimacy, I occasionally have a fleeting thought or fantasy about him. When this happens, I am overwhelmed by intense guilt. I feel like I am violating him or crossing a boundary without his consent, especially because if roles were reversed, I wouldn't want someone thinking of me in a purely lustful way unless it was emotional.

I know I am probably overthinking this, but the fear of disrespecting him is making me feel terrible. Is it a violation of consent to think about a real person during solo sex? Am I alone in feeling this kind of conflict? I would really appreciate any advice or perspective on how to handle this guilt — it's killing me!

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!

I can tell you’re feeling super guilty about all this so I want to start by assuring you that there’s nothing to feel guilt over. The thing about fantasies is they live in our head, so it can’t actually hurt someone to fantasize about them, if that makes sense. If you were objectifying them and seeing them solely as an object for your pleasure and not a human being then we could talk about why that’s problematic, but even then, you’re not actually harming the person directly if it’s just in your head, you know?

You clearly do like and respect your classmate as a whole human for more than just their looks or anything sexual. In that case, it isn’t purely lustful as you mentioned, and it’s perfectly okay to be aroused by someone you like - even if you’re not in a relationship. It’s also okay to think about them during solo sex, and that doesn’t violate any consent since, again, it lives in the privacy of your mind and isn’t harming them directly in any way.

Fantasies are actually a healthy way to engage with and explore our sexuality, as well as figure out our desires. The guilt you’re describing seems to possibly also involve some shame around sex and sexuality. Could that be the case? Do you think there’s some underlying shame about having sexual fantasies overall?