Why do I feel so awful for watching porn?

[initiald-ejavu]

I made a post earlier about how "I don't think it's all purity culture" that porn is seen as bad. I don't really care to argue if porn is bad for anyone else anymore, I just want to understand my own reaction to it.

I, for the life of me, cannot decide what kind of relationship I want with porn. It usually follows a cycle of Watch porn -> "Hey that was nice" -> Watch more porn -> Eventually and suddenly porn is the devil's spawn and I hate it (typically after a really long session) -> Hate porn and resolve to quit -> Quit for a while -> Forget why I quit -> Start over

I cannot tell anymore if this is some sort of internalized purity culture thing, or what. It keeps following this exact pattern and I cannot for the life of me place what the trigger is? What turns porn from a fun past time to something completely disgusting for me at the drop of a hat.

It also launches me into these tirades of thinking about porn and its place in my life, and those take HOURS. And whatever decision I make seems to keep getting overturned. I run through the same arguments over and over again. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm at my wit's end (again).

During these times where I feel like porn is disgusting I don't want to be told "hey it's okay, nothing is wrong with it" cuz that just feels incorrect to me. At the same time I cannot for the life of me find an intrinsic reason why porn is bad to the point that any consumption of it is bad. I have this disgust I cannot rationally explain, that shows up for reasons I don't know, and goes away for even more mysterious reasons.

I'm posting this in a general forum cuz I hope other users can relate

[char]

Hey initiald-ejavu, I hope it's okay for me to share my 2 cents. As you've probably figured out, everyone's sexuality as a whole (not just how they feel about pornography use) is influenced by a lot of things. Sometimes it's generally easier to pinpoint why someone thinks the way they do to certain aspects of sexuality, but sometimes it's not that simple.

Considering you've mentioned that you're seeing a therapist for OCD symptoms, I'm not sure how much of this we can discuss here, but what has been helpful in making you feel less distressed after your spiraling thoughts? Also, were you able to read the pieces on purity culture that Heather shared you a few weeks ago?

[initiald-ejavu]

I read up on the purity culture pieces and I... couldn't really relate? They're too Christian, and the religion I left was Islam so all this about "Lust in the bible" and "Same sex relationships in the bible" stuff wasn't really useful for me.

It's weird cuz I didn't use to feel bad about porn at all until I started reading about "porn addiction" and about all its negative effects. Which I understand only really occur for extreme cases of use but for a worrywart like me, that doesn't mean anything as the line for "extreme" use is blurry. Point is, I don't think it's a religious issue for me.

but what has been helpful in making you feel less distressed after your spiraling thoughts?

The only thing that's helped me is something I made up that I call "grafting" which is to just take whatever I just did and ask myself "If your girlfriend did this, would you think she's in the wrong". Or take what I'm worrying about and ask "Do you think this is a reasonable worry that you expect your girlfriend to also be constantly thinking about", etc

I don't really know how to be kind or forgiving towards myself for any perceived "mistakes" (not sure what my brain thinks is a mistake in watching 2D drawn porn where there is literally 0 chance anyone anywhere is getting hurt, but anyways), so I try to place the mistake in other people and see what I'd think of it, then try to act fairly towards myself. It doesn't always work...

I was hoping to hear from others who've had similar experiences what helps them snap out of guilt in the moment, and in the long term.