Struggles with masturbation-no idea what to do

[wawa1670]

I have been struggling with masturbation for awhile now. I have never been able to orgasm or experience pleasure. I have read, watched, and listened to things sexual content, but it doesnt help. I feel so lost and broken. Even when I feel horny I dont get wet and I have never seen or felt my clitoris. Am I broken?

[char]

Welcome to the boards, wawa1670. I'm sorry to hear that you've been unable to experience pleasure. First of all, you might find it a relief that you're not alone in feeling this way, and you're definitely not "broken"! This is one of the most commonly asked questions on our message boards, because a lot of folks weren't equipped with the knowledge of how to masturbate and discover their own sexuality from their school or parents. If you'd like, you can search the boards (using the smaller search box on the top right side of the site) with keywords like "can't masturbate" or "can't orgasm" to see similar conversations in the past. You can also search the entire website if you'd like to read our static articles instead.

Sexual arousal has a lot of looks; aside from lubrication, there's flushing on the body, more rapid breathing, and the hardening of the nipples. Additionally, it's not unusual for our mind and body to not align. Sometimes we might have sexual thoughts and that desire for sex (solo or partnered), but our bodies don't feel the same way just yet. Could you fill us in by answering the following questions?
- When you masturbate, do you begin by feeling very aroused, or it it more something you are hoping will happen as you go on?
- Would you tell us a little about what kinds of stimulation or sorts of activities you've tried during sex?
- Do you have fantasies that are particularly interesting to you?
- In general, how has life been for you? Have you been able to experience nonsexual pleasure on the regular?

The clitoris is located right below your mons, a.k.a. the area under your belly button where pubic hair would typically grow. For more details, check out this article on the vulva: Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More. You might also want to check out these articles:
- Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
- Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation
- Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation

[wawa1670]

Hello! Thanks for taking the time to respond. 1: It's something im hoping will happen later on.
2. I've tried fingering and vibrators. Fingering doesnt work because i am usually not wet enough and I dont have access to lube. Vibrators are a bit different. I feel a sensation if I angle it, but it is not consistent and not very pleasurable sometimes.
3. I have fantasies, but I do experience shame when it comes to real life crushes either celebrities or people I know, so I try to stick to fictional characters.
4. Life is fine, I still get horny but it doesnt translate which makes me frustrated. I do find joy in life, which keeps me somewhat grounded!

[Heather]

Hi there, wawa1670.

In terms of your inability to find your clitoris, I'm getting the impression you've only been exploring things inside your vagina, like fingers and what sounds like a vibrator you're inserting into the vagina. Do I have that right? If so, when you looked at that first link that char shared with you, did you see where the external portions of the clitoris are located, and did that help you find those parts of the clitoris? Have you also spent time exploring the vulva -- where the external clitoris and both stes of labia are -- like you have the vagina, or other parts of your body?

You also mention experiencing shame with arousal: can you say more about that? Where do you think that shame has come from?

Too, with pleasure, is it only sexual pleasure you're having a hard time accessing, or do you struggle to access other kinds of pleasure, too, like say, pleasure in your body from moving it or how clothes feel on it or how it feels to hug someone, from things like eating or sitting in the sun, listening to music, reading a favorite book or other ways of experiencing pleasure?