Porn Ruined my Perception

[Captainq1]

I am asking here because I am too scared of asking people face to face or in a non annoymous way. Especially when my question is intended for women. I am a 30 year old virgin and a recovering porn addict. My addiction has made me distracted to say the least and now I am scared of many things regarding my body, my desirability, and being a vigin at my age overall. What I have to ask is mainly directed at the female perspective because I feel that the gender I am attracted to will be the best source.

First off, does being a virgin at this age offputting to women? Second is penis size. In porn it is alway between 8.5 and 12 inches so if I am 7 inches long(between 7.2 and 7.6 inches if I use a pump) and 5.7 inches in girth(6 inches if i use a pump), is that small and undesirable? I am tall standing at 6'4" but, am chubby. So if I am this old and a virgin on top of being so far below what they have in porn, and fat, am I not worth it? Am I going to get looked over, laughed at, bullied, or humiliated? If I am lucky enough to find myself able to be intimate with someone should I tell them or keep quiet? Would me being a virgin put them off?

I don't want to be alone anymore but porn has dictated my perception so much that I am scared to even try dating and meeting people to be intimate. So, I don't and I am miserable. So my question specifically to women is if what I am scared of matters? Am I worried about nothing? Am I inadequate? Am I desirable. Is my proportions small or below average? Even if people like height is that even a factor here? Is it all just my brain ruined by something that isn't real? Is my fear real and unless I get really lucky I am screwed? Or, do I have nothing to worry about?

I am not looking for a size doesn't matter answer but genuinely how I described myself as being good or bad, desirable or undesirable, ideal or off-putting, huge, big, medium, or small. I have no experience and my only baseline is porn. It is such a weird ask but straight answers would really help. I really want to fix my perception or at least confirm if what I have if it is real. Please help.

[Captainq1]

I am a virgin hoping to lose it someday. When that day happens, should I communicate that I am a virgin? The advice I have received in the past says no, but the reasons feel weird. The reasons that I was given were that she would be worried I would grow overly attached, it would put pressure on her to perform, and it would put her off because I am too old to be a virgin. For context, I am 30. The people telling me this were men and one woman who's advice was to hire and escort and get it over with. Morally those feel wrong, but I am not really the authority on this and know literally nothing about this. A female perspective would really help. When the day comes that I am lucky enough to have it happen, the last thing I want is to ruin it.

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Captainq1!

I merged your topics together because they deal with some related questions. I think it could help to have this whole conversation in one place.

You are not inadequate or off-putting--for the way your body is, or for not having had sex with another person. I'm sorry to hear that you have felt that you may be those things.

It sounds like you know that pornography may not have the most realistic standards for what human bodies are like, or about what men or women actually want. Not to worry--we can reset your standards together.

We can get to all of your questions, but to start, I'm curious about why you think a 'size doesn't matter answer' would not be a real answer. There are people out there who do care about size, but really, from what we know about sexual pleasure, size is not definitive and being larger isn't always better/easier.

You may be interested to know that the average adult penis is 5.1-6.2 inches long when erect, and 3 to 4 inches long otherwise. Your proportions as you report them are not small or below average. The length of the average adult vagina is about 3-4 inches as well. While it can expand a few more inches, that doesn't mean a larger penis would necessarily be comfortable (never mind pleasurable) during insertion.

[Captainq1]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Captainq1!

I merged your topics together because they deal with some related questions. I think it could help to have this whole conversation in one place.

You are not inadequate or off-putting--for the way your body is, or for not having had sex with another person. I'm sorry to hear that you have felt that you may be those things.

It sounds like you know that pornography may not have the most realistic standards for what human bodies are like, or about what men or women actually want. Not to worry--we can reset your standards together.

We can get to all of your questions, but to start, I'm curious about why you think a 'size doesn't matter answer' would not be a real answer. There are people out there who do care about size, but really, from what we know about sexual pleasure, size is not definitive and being larger isn't always better/easier.

You may be interested to know that the average adult penis is 5.1-6.2 inches long when erect, and 3 to 4 inches long otherwise. Your proportions as you report them are not small or below average. The length of the average adult vagina is about 3-4 inches as well. While it can expand a few more inches, that doesn't mean a larger penis would necessarily be comfortable (never mind pleasurable) during insertion.

Basically, I think in my mind, the size doesn't matter argument really doesn't ease the concern like a straight answer would. I know in my heart of hearts that is probably the right answer, just not necessarily the one I wanted to hear. The answers I wanted to hear are what size range I am between length and girth in small medium large or huge, if the size is desirable, if the proportions are good, is my height a part of that equation, does being overweight matter that much, is being a virgin at 30 a deal breaker, etc. Stuff like that to basically address the actual concern/fear with the direct info of where it stands rather than a none of that matters answer that doesn't really address ehat I am scared/worried about because I have spent so long having porn as my only analog and have no idea if what I have is desirable or not. I have been entirely single as well so I have never felt desired and never knew, which probably says more about me than anything. You said that the average size is 5.1 to 6.2 inches and the average vagina is 3-4 while gaining a few inches I assume when aroused? So by that logic then I am not only not small, but nearing or breaking into too long to be comfortable territory depending on the woman? So the exact opposite of what I was worried about? Also since I didn't really get an answer for it I'll add it here, when I eventually reach a point where I am intimate with someone, should I tell them I am a virgin or no? The advice i have received has been no from men on other forums I have been on, and the only female answer was to advise me to go to Vegas and hire an escort. So more clarity on that would be helpful.

[mikky]

hey captainq1,
Unfortunately, there is no straight answer on whether size "matters," because that does come down to the personal opinions and ideas of pleasure of billions of people.
We have an article on this that I recommend you read all of, but will quote here: Shown Actual Size: A Penis Shape & Size Lowdown

Who does size really matter to most?
Usually? Almost always? Cisgender men.

One study focused on cis people found that 85% of cisgender women with cisgender male partners reported being satisfied with their partner’s penis size while only 55% of men reported satisfaction with their own size. We see the same kind of difference when it comes to men reporting how they feel about a partner’s breast⁠ size and women reporting on feelings about their own breast size. When it comes to the appearance of our own sexual parts, the old adage “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” appears to often be false. Many people will say what they’re worried about with genitals⁠ is what a partner will think, but it’s pretty clear the problem is usually with what folks think themselves, since partners tend to be the ones who are the least judgmental and the most accepting.

Size alone does not also have any relationship to pleasure. Pleasurable sex comes from communication, not just anatomy. Vaginas are essentially muscular tubes which change shape and stretch or contract when something is in them (like fingers, a penis, a toy, a baby during childbirth). Some people with vaginas enjoy penis-in-vagina intercourse, some don't. Some find it understimulating (most of the nerve endings in vaginas are towards the front) and enjoy stimulation in other ways, some find it extremely exciting or pleasurable. With this much variety and difference, not to mention that people aren't just their genitals, a lot of sex is communicating and listening to what one another would like to try, what they enjoy, what they consent or do not consent to, what is feeling good... etc.
That is also to say that I do think sharing that you have not been sexual with another person could be part of communicating with someone you are having sex with. More so, how you feel or are thinking about it- for example, if you were nervous, or intimidated, or insecure, cluing a partner into that is just good information for you both to know. It's really up to you what and when you share information, but I think these other answers you were getting seem rooted in some pretty shitty views about sex.

[Captainq1]

hey captainq1,
Unfortunately, there is no straight answer on whether size "matters," because that does come down to the personal opinions and ideas of pleasure of billions of people.
We have an article on this that I recommend you read all of, but will quote here: Shown Actual Size: A Penis Shape & Size Lowdown

Who does size really matter to most?
Usually? Almost always? Cisgender men.

One study focused on cis people found that 85% of cisgender women with cisgender male partners reported being satisfied with their partner’s penis size while only 55% of men reported satisfaction with their own size. We see the same kind of difference when it comes to men reporting how they feel about a partner’s breast⁠ size and women reporting on feelings about their own breast size. When it comes to the appearance of our own sexual parts, the old adage “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” appears to often be false. Many people will say what they’re worried about with genitals⁠ is what a partner will think, but it’s pretty clear the problem is usually with what folks think themselves, since partners tend to be the ones who are the least judgmental and the most accepting.

Size alone does not also have any relationship to pleasure. Pleasurable sex comes from communication, not just anatomy. Vaginas are essentially muscular tubes which change shape and stretch or contract when something is in them (like fingers, a penis, a toy, a baby during childbirth). Some people with vaginas enjoy penis-in-vagina intercourse, some don't. Some find it understimulating (most of the nerve endings in vaginas are towards the front) and enjoy stimulation in other ways, some find it extremely exciting or pleasurable. With this much variety and difference, not to mention that people aren't just their genitals, a lot of sex is communicating and listening to what one another would like to try, what they enjoy, what they consent or do not consent to, what is feeling good... etc.
That is also to say that I do think sharing that you have not been sexual with another person could be part of communicating with someone you are having sex with. More so, how you feel or are thinking about it- for example, if you were nervous, or intimidated, or insecure, cluing a partner into that is just good information for you both to know. It's really up to you what and when you share information, but I think these other answers you were getting seem rooted in some pretty shitty views about sex.

I know you are right, but I think the hang up is actually hearing the specifics of what I asked. Its definitely a problem I have and I can acknowledge that I am seeking validation, but the size doesn't matter response while most likely true, doesn't really feel fulfilling, validating, or giving any sort of closure in a way? Almost like that answer dismisses my fears/worries/concern. Its hard to explain without sounding like something I am not, but I think there is a need to just hear it in the context of what the questions I asked aside from the "size doesn't matter" answer. Not because I don't believe it but because I am hoping to hear something I may never hear and that scares me while making worry I am undesirable because nobody has ever told me that. I have dated twice in my life to people who were either not good to me or absolutely terrifying(one that believed men had to bend over backwards for her which she regularly expressed and another who had disassociated identity disorder with multiple personalities where one personality had committed self harm and another not knowing they did it blaming people around her namely her dad and me). So while I am positive you're right, I think it have been chasing validation because I would never believe myself and am hoping someone will tell me. It messed up, but I have not been right for a long time and am trying to fix what 17 or so years(started when I was around 13) of addiction to porn has done to me. I know it sounds stupid but it really feels like I am grasping for straws on things I completely don't understand.

[Sofi]

Do you have access to therapy? That would be the best outlet to help you process this. We have answered your question with a factual answer, as we are sex educators and here to educate folks. If the factual answer isn't good enough because of deep rooted feelings of worthlessness, there's not much more we can do to help, unfortunately. I think you could get some good support on working through this from a mental health professional.