Questioning gender

[QQ]

I was told to come here to ask for advice by a volunteer here. I previously submitted this in the advice column, but have now made an account.

I am 15 and possibly a dude, but I do not think there were many signs when I was a kid. I apologise if any of this sounds overdramatic or excessively verbose.

When my age was in the single digits, I was quite feminine in the stereotypical ways. I liked the colour pink, I liked wearing dresses, and I did not think too hard about my gender but I was a little feminist at heart. There were some things that were amiss, like, sorry if I am being crude, I was under the impression I had a micropenis before being aware of the term or of basic biology for the matter. Nonetheless, I was half convinced that I had the "boy bits" and that the doctors must have missed something. If you really squint and look for signs, with a healthy dose of confirmation bias on your side, I did tend to idolise male fictional characters and notably insisted on roleplaying a male character rather than a female one, but that is a perfectly ordinary quirk of childhood you would not bat an eye at. All in all, I was just the average little girl.

Puberty struck late and while I had high hopes that I had some sort of condition that would render me infertile and without the hassles of overt menstruation (totally unfair, by the way, and astonishingly uncommon within the animal kingdom), I was not blessed in that regard. While I did not like puberty, still nothing was particularly of note until a few months back from present.

The reason I am questioning my gender is threefold. One, I have really wanted to cut my hair short for years and did get a haircut that was above my chin but below my ears. That is not the reason per se. A friend warned me beforehand that I would look like a teenage boy, and I cheerfully replied I would not mind that, but really that was part of the reason I wanted a shorter haircut. However, as you might have foreseen, having a shorter haircut did not make me look like a boy, just a girl with a bob. I have never been what you would call vain, many days I do not even brush my hair when I roll out of bed and I have never so much as touched makeup despite viewing those adept in the art with a sort of reverential admiration. But in the weeks following I became acutely aware of the femininity of my features, and obsessed with framing my hair just right to sharpen them. I liked the look of my shadow but despite externally appearing to be a reincarnated Narcissus, I did not think the part nor like what I saw in my reflection. I would say I have a healthy self esteem otherwise, and I would chalk this up to just an aesthetic fancy if it were not for the other things in the aforementioned tricolon.

Secondly, I learnt my cup size. I went to a bra shop and they measured me, telling me a size I now realise is incorrect but then devestated me. I researched the specificites of the numbering system to discover that apparently I was perfectly average (not true, but I believed as much), and then proceeded to casually look over the details of breast reduction surgery. Previously I had always foolishly assumed that my chest was "essentially" flat, any curvature negligible, but from that point forth I have had a penchant for baggy clothes, layers, and sports bras.

Thirdly, a song about being trans popped up on my YouTube home page, titled "They Will Bury Me a Woman". I do not usually cry at 3 hour long movied but I did cry at this 3 minute song. Not all that strange, but I cried again at the rewatch, then the third watch, then the fourth. I felt oddly seen and that, as little as it sounds, was the catalyst.

Maybe it is a social contagion or rapid onset dysphoria. But I really wish I were a cis boy. I wish I had a flat chest, fuzzy body hair, a deep resounding voice, and a penis. I do not know why I feel this way. But I have pictured myself as a man to fall asleep for months at this point, before I ever questioned my gender. I feel good when people call me "he" online despite the fact it is male defaultist. I think I might be trans.

Except, my dad thinks this sort of thing is all nonsense and my mother has not yet gotten her head around the fact I like women exclusively yet. And I do not feel an overwhelming, life-or-death desire to be a dude like so many people describe. I have been in trans online communities for years as an ally and maybe I am just acting out the stories I have read? I really do not know. I have a supportive friend who is bigender but she is also trying to figure things out. I really need an outside opinion. I am aware that nobody here is a medical professional and cannot diagnose me with gender dysphoria and the like, but still.

[KierC]

Hi QQ! Welcome to the boards We’re glad to see you here.

Totally happy to help you with these three questions you have! First, I’m really sorry to hear your parents are not on board or understanding of your sexuality and gender identity. I imagine that can make thinking of presenting in the way you like or dating who you want more difficult than it should be. When you say your mom hasn’t gotten her head around the fact that you only like women, have you explicitly told her and she’s unsupportive, or has it been kinda vague and she doesn’t understand?

I also want to say first that the genitals you were born with really don’t tell us anything about gender identity. It sounds like you’re wondering about what the size of your genitals means in regard to your gender, but I think the actual anatomy has less to do with your gender identity than how you *feel* about it, and what genitals make you feel good in your body. For example, you mention that you described your genitals as “boy bits” for awhile and have been really curious about how the size of your breasts also match up with certain averages. That just tells me that you’re thinking often about what anatomy means for gender identity, about the idea of being a boy or a man, and maybe even about what being a boy or man means! No matter what size or shape your genitals are, the important part here is that you get to choose how you want to describe them and how you want them to be. Know what I mean?

It also sounds like you’re thinking a lot about this in regard to how you present yourself physically and how you want to be called by others. Honestly, I say that’s the best place to start with these questions. You don’t have to decide or even know right now how to describe your gender identity if you don’t feel ready to do so. You can begin by thinking about how you like to dress, how you like your hair, and how you might want people to call you. Which is great, because you’re already doing those things! How do you feel about spending some time exploring how you like to present yourself without worrying how others will think of it? I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s always good to practice it when you can

Ultimately, nobody but you can say what your gender identity is, or what your chosen presentation means to you. I think that’s a cool thing, though, that you might appreciate! Nobody has the authority to look at your hair or clothes and say “those are “boy clothes,” or that’s “boy hair”. There’s really no such thing. It’s all about how *you* feel about the clothes, you know?

It may also be helpful to journal about these questions you have. Since you’re the expert on yourself, the answers to these questions will naturally come from your own self-discovery. How does journaling sound to you?

We have an article on our site about gender journaling, actually, if you want to take a look for inspiration: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identit ... journaling

I’ll stop there for now, but let me know what you think and if you have more questions about any of this. <3

[QQ]

Oh, yes. I am out in the fact I like women and both my father and mother know. My dad is supportive and we joke around about it, but while I can talk my mother into being alright with it in one conversation, the next month she will say something like "eventually you will like men though! men are not all bad... you are too pretty to be lesbian". She is trying, but when I have dropped hints about not being comfortable as a woman she has just been shocked (I have never heard of anybody who dislikes having [female secondary sexual characteristic]!) and so I promise everything I say is a hypothetical and obviously I cannot really choose my body and she is relieved. She also said something about a family friend whose kid is a trans dude, and how said friend said that her son turned out the way he is because he was not raised in enough cultural values, and warned my mother to not repeat her mistakes. Annoying sentiment, since I love my culture too.


Also, on the idea of a gender identity... I have never really understood it? Maybe it is because I am literal minded. Dysphoria, euphoria, incongruence etc. all make perfect logical sense, but the idea of identifying as a gender just does not click. Trans women are women, trans men are men, and non-binary people are (usually?) neither. Is that not just an inherent state of the mind? I do not feel my gender in isolation, I only feel distress in regards to my body or joy in regards to social validation. I have heard the term agender but that does not really fit either. I feel like I feel too strongly about things to lack a gender. I relate more with binary trans experiences than non-binary, but also not enough to immediately think "yes, that is me", if that makes sense?