Am I Experiencing Gender Dysphoria?

[Seraph]

I've recently made a post on this board about not feeling very happy with how I look (and I do apologize if I made this thread too soon after my previous thread I just thought it would be better if this was its own topic). I've been giving it more thought since I first posted the topic and I have been wondering if what I am feeling can be described as gender dysphoria. I apologize if what I am about to write is really messy or does not make any sense I have been very stressed out over this today and I am somewhat overwhelemed with stuff at the moment.

I've never been able to pinpoint what about me feels so "off" when it comes to me feeling ugly. I can't really point to one trait in particular that I feel bad about I just always have been unhappy with how I look in general. There are a few things about myself that I believe I would prefer if it looked more steryotypically feminine (I apologize if anything in this post comes off as steryotypical). I've always liked having longer hair and I really dislike it when I am pressured to cut it short. I also have always felt weird about my hands. Its hard to explain but I've always just thought that more feminine looking hands looked better than masculine ones.

I believe that I may enjoy wearing some typically feminine clothes more than typically masculine ones, such as dresses or corsets.

Lastly, I have always had a dislike for what is seen as typically "masculine" in society. I've never liked sports or wanted to be super strong or anything. I know that there are tons of guys like that but I've never really vibed with most stuff that society expects men to be into. I've always seen a "female friendship" as something more desireable than a "male friendship".

I do have some doubts about this however. I've never really had any extreme thoughts of unhappiness with being my current gender that I have read that some people online do. My biggest worry that I have is that non of these thoughts that I am having are "real". Its kinda hard for me to explain what I feel, but part of me is worried that what I have talked about in this thread so far are simply thoughts created by my mind to give me something to believe in that would make me more "interesting" (I do not mean that I believe that transgender people are attention seekers I just worry that my mind is making me think I may be experience gender dysphoria because it would somehow make me more unique in a way). This has been causing me some trouble because I worry that the answers any question about my gender that I ask myself are biased in some way and I am having a hard time telling if what I am feeling is real or not.

I've also never really had any discomfort with my genitals. I have wondered a few times before about what it would be like to have femal genitals and I have never been super bothered by the idea of having them. I know not all transgender people feel that way about their genitals I just wanted to throw it out there as well.

I really do apologize if anything I wrote in here is offensive or steyoptyipical of trans people or women. I have been wondering this for a bit now and I just would like to know if these are common thoughts that people with gender dysphoria have.

[Latha]

Hi Seraph!

No worries, it is not too soon to make a new thread. And also, your explanation of your feelings does make sense. It is okay to be unsure of what to make of them--we can try to think through your concerns together.

Here are some initial ideas:

There are a few things about myself that I believe I would prefer if it looked more steryotypically feminine (I apologize if anything in this post comes off as steryotypical)

Making sure we don't fall unto harmful or limiting stereotypes is a worthy goal, and finding the best language to communicate that is a work in progress--I understand what you mean, so no need to apologize. I'm hearing that there are a couple of features commonly associated with femininity that you'd like to have, like long hair. You've described them as feminine too--if I may ask, is that language that you like identifying with? Would you feel good thinking of your body/actions/self as feminine, or being thought of as feminine by other people?

(One way to be sensitive to the nuances of gender is to separate physical features and the gendered meanings we attach to them. You might for example, name the specific anatomy of genitals (e.g. vulva) instead of using 'female genitals'--again, I get what you mean, but it is an imprecise shorthand.)

part of me is worried that what I have talked about in this thread so far are simply thoughts created by my mind to give me something to believe in that would make me more "interesting"

I'd like to suggest that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be interesting, and that having that (very common) motivation doesn't have to discredit your wonderings about your gender. My guess is that there are many interesting things in the world that you would not want for yourself--the fact that you are thinking about femininity justifies examining your gender.

At this point, you've noticed some things about yourself that give you opportunities--to try new clothes, presentations, or ways of relating to yourself and other people. Actually experiencing what it is like to do the things you are curious about will give you a lot more information about what would work for you, gender-wise. Your feelings could very well be a result of gender dysphoria, or they might not, but this isn't a theoretical exercise where you have to worry about bias leading you astray--it is practical. The only person your gender exploration would really affect is you, so the only question that matters is whether your gender (and presentation) feels comfortable to you and makes you happy.

Not all trans people start out with clearly identifiable thoughts of unhappiness about their gender. But choosing to present differently is a neutral action. You wouldn't have to reach a particular state of extreme unhappiness and suffering before you, for example, transition. You'd just have to feel the effects of transition are worth it to you.

What do you think of this so far?

[Seraph]

Thank you so much for responding to me.

I would not be bothered by being labeled as feminine, however I suppose I don't really know how it would make me feel since I don't really have experience being refered to as a woman. I've been thinking more about my looks, and I do like a lot of typically feminine ways of dressing and styling however I wonder if the reason I like female expression more than male expression is because I am attracted to women and not because I would be happier if I was a woman.

Another thing I thought about is a reoccuring fantasy of having a femal friend who offers to dress me like a woman and do my make-up. Again I can't really tell if this is me wanting to be more feminine or if I am attracted to how women look so I instictivly think feminine looks are more "desirable".

To respond to your question, I would like to try and see what I feel like if I were to express myself differently but I don't know where to start. I worry that if I ask a friend or somebody close to me to refer to me with she/her pronouns and I end up not really liking it that it would be very awkaward for me to tell them to go back to he/him pronouns when refering to me.
I really want to try wearing a cute dress, but I don't know how to go about it. I don't feel comfortable with my parents knowing that I am experimenting with how I dress even though they are pretty progressive people. I'm afraid of buying and trying on a dress in a public store because of public judgement and I am afraid of ordering something online because I doubt my parents will respect my privacy about what I ordered even if I tell them that it is private and I don't want them to know.