Pronouns and trying not to misgender someone.

[Collin]

Hi everyone, I just have a couple questions about pronouns, that might not be possible to answer since everyone has their own preferences. But like if someone on an online profile has He/She/They does that just mean they are cool being called anything, because I usually refer to the person as the gender I hear their voice as, unless it says something specific like They/Them/Theirs or He/Him/His. Have a good evening peoples! Oh and Happy Halloween!

[Latha]

Hi there, Collin! Happy Halloween!

You're right, a general answer won't address everyone's preferences. That said, I can share what I've heard: If someone says they have multiple pronouns, you are technically correct if you choose one, but it is best to try to use all of them.

This is because the judgement we make when we hear someone's voice as a certain gender is usually based on the averages we've learned in a cis-centric world. Most people are probably making the same calculation that you are making, and defaulting to one pronoun based on a stereotype of voice or physical features. Imagine being someone who has multiple pronouns in these circumstances--you probably would rarely get to hear the other pronouns, and it would seem like most people don't recognize or respect your actual gender.

Does that make sense? Do you feel comfortable using multiple pronouns in practice? If it is confusing, we can help.

Another technicality: They, she, and he are some of the most common pronouns, but they are not the only pronouns: people may use others, e.g. it, fae, xe. Sometimes, people will say they use all pronouns, and that might include more than he, she, and they--you can ask if you are not sure.

[Collin]

Thanks, for the responses! I totally get wanting to go by different pronouns, I just wasn’t sure what to do if people had multiple pronouns that contradict each other. I don’t care what pronouns people use! Sometimes I can’t tell if people actually prefer certain pronouns or if they are just a**holes. Some dude a few weeks ago said they go by we/us pronouns… I mean they ARE pronouns and I just used those because I didn’t want to offend anyone. Wait… is “dude” a gendered term or is it just like calling a group of people “guys”??? I’m lwk tweaking rn 😭

[Latha]

Hello again!

Some dude a few weeks ago said they go by we/us pronouns

Hmmm... I wonder if this person was joking. There was a tradition for royalty to use to use the 'majestic plural' or 'royal we'--that is, refer to themselves not with I/me/my but with we/us/our as as a sign of their importance. So, with this person, it might have been comedic overstatement. Because 'we' and 'us' are pronouns that are not used to refer to other people without yourself, you don't have to worry about how you would use them--If you see this person again, you can just stick to using 'you' and 'they' unless they or someone else clarifies further.

But yes, some people are rude and do say they have certain pronouns just to mock or confuse other people. In those cases, if you wait a little, you'll probably notice some kind of stigma or judgement about trans people from them. If they don't seem to be making a point of mocking trans people, you could ask them or someone else who might know for more information about their pronouns.

'Dude' and 'guy' are both neutral in some contexts and gendered in others. It is partially geographical, I believe. No need to tweak: You don't need to memorize all the nuances of where people use what language. Many people who speak English are familiar with the concept of these words being used in gender-neutral ways, even if it is less common where they live. I would just remember one guideline: it is important to be sensitive around calling trans women and non-binary people 'dude' or 'guy'-sometimes, people use the common gender-neutrality of these words as an excuse to misgender. In a mixed-gender group, you could call everyone guys and it would probably be fine, because you are not singling anyone out. But if, for example, you are only speaking to a trans woman, it would be advisable to ask her whether she is comfortable with dude and guy as gender-neutral terms before using them. If a trans woman is is the only woman in a group and you don't know how she feels about this language, I wouldn't use it--it might come across like you see her as another man.

Does that make sense? Do you have any questions about situations where pronouns contradict each other?