I feel selfish for not wanting to be a dom/top in my first sexual relationship.

[StarLighter]

I just recently started dating my best friend of a few years. We've always known were both pretty kinky, and things have been going pretty fast (we've been together just a few months) and are in a sort of dom/sub dynamic. This is both our first time doing anything related to BDSM, and my first time doing anything sexual consensually (no **big** trauma, just bad sexual encounters with exes). Whenever we 'hang out' (almost every weekend), ive always been her sub/bottom. I really enjoy it and love when she is the dom/top. before we realized we liked eachother, we would talk about kink quite often, and both talking about how we would both be subs in a relationship like this, so it was pretty surprising(and very nice) when this relationship started and she wanted to be the dom/top.

Its been going great until today. We were on call and I was messing around and being bratty. Just simple fun, right? But instead of being dom as usual, she got flustered. I dont know why exactly but it was the biggest turn off, then she started saying she might be a switch. She asked if I can try to be a dom and I felt really selfish and said I wasnt a big fan but i'd be willing to try if she really wanted to. She begged me to call her a good girl and I did even though I felt super uncomfortable. She asked me to do it again and I did before making an excuse and leaving.

I feel so selfish. I want to be the sub/bottom, the one getting things done to them, not the person doing things to someone else. I feel so uncomfortable being the dom/top to the point I feel physically sick. I dont know if it has anything to do with my trauma, but I also feel so creepy and shitty being a dom/top. I dont think ill ever want to do it. Even in the past when she asked me to make her feel good, I felt so uncomfortable but did it anyways. I dont know why but i cant stand the thought of being the dom/top, the one who does things to someone else. I only want things to be done to me. I do absolutely really want her to feel good too whenever we 'hang out', i just dont want to be the dom/top. I dont know what to do and im scared she'll be mad or think im an asshole.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, StarLighter. I'm sorry this has been like this for you.

I don't think any of what you are feeling or talking about here has anything to do with your being selfish. Rather, I think it seems that you are very clear about what you do and don't want sexually, and what you do and don't feel good doing. Just because someone else wants us to do something to or with them, or wants something sexual for themselves does not obligate us to do it, something I think it's important for both you and your partner to understand. Neither of you should even be considering doing anything sexual you don't want to do, let alone that makes you feel sick.

It just is not ever a good idea for a person or a relationship for people to agree to do sexual things they don't want to, and I hate that you didn't feel able to say, "I'm so sorry, but that just isn't me and I don't want to do that." I hope that you'll give yourself a second go with this and say something more like that. I just finished a new piece for the site last week that I think will be useful to you, because it sounds to me like you're agreeing to sexual things because you feel obligated, never a good way to go: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... -do-it-way

I'm also sorry to hear you are afraid your partner will be angry with you or think you are an asshole for being unwilling to try something you do not want to. I also don't like the way your partner pushed you to do this. That feels like coercion to me, and you can read more about that in that link I just gave you if you're unfamiliar with the ways it can manifest, like begging or pouting.

I feel like you're presenting this as being about what keeps you from wanting to top. I don't think that's the issue here, because none of us has to like everything a partner does or do everything a partner wants. I think the issue here is that you feel unable to say no to this partner, and I suspect that some of that is because she's not letting you. If and when a partner tells us they are not a fan of something like you did, we should accept that, without any argument or emotional manipulation (like begging), and be sure they feel our acceptance of that. It also sounds like you might have some past trauma playing a part here when it comes to not feeling like you can just say no.

Do you feel able to circle back to this person and let them know that you only agreed because you felt pressured by them, ask them not to pressure you again, and then let them know that you're sorry, but topping is not something you want to do or will do with them? I get that this might mean you two aren't the fit you hoped you'd be, but in all honesty, I feel like the bigger issue to this possibly not being a good fit for you is less about you not wanting to top and more about the dynamic between you being such that you don't feel able to say no to sexual things you don't want with this partner and feel afraid of saying no to them. <3