Fire-setting and sexual assault

[Randomuser]

I know a 21-year-old male who admits to sexually assaulting a male classmate when they were both in their early teens. He also demonstrates an interest in playing with fire...typically within legal limits. This man also talks about wanting to dominate in sexual relationships. Is it safe to dismiss an assault that a man committed in early adolescence when considering dating him as an adult? Are men who play with fire more dangerous than men who do not? I've heard that fire-setters have a higher risk of delinquency...

[AvocadoLime]

Unless that admission of sexual assault came with information about the extensive work he has done with professional help to learn how not to abuse people, I would definitely not date him. Honestly even if it came as part of a conversation that included information on the professional help he has had to make sure he will not abuse others again, I would be very very very very wary. One thing I learned while being in an abusive relationship, and in reading I did afterwords, is that people who abuse others do not change (unless -maybe- they do a lot of work with professionals, and actually want to change). If somebody says they have changed, or says they are sorry, that is usually (always?) more manipulation. As for the fire setting thing, I personally have no idea if that corresponds to greater levels of delinquency. But, it sounds like something about his liking to set fires is making you nervous. I would listen to that instinct. I have friends who love to camp and part of camping is having a fire, and it can be really fun to build a great fire, because it is warmth and light and a skill and a challenge and can mean hot food, etc. But I wouldn't characterize these friends as people who like to set fires, though I guess technically they do. If I were to characterize somebody as a person who likes to set fires it would be (I think) because subconsciously or not, something about their love of fire was making me nervous. Otherwise they'd be people who like to camp or people who like to have cook-outs or something. Does that make sense?

[Keda]

Yeah, I agree with AvocadoLime here. It really sounds like this guy makes you nervous on several fronts. And while that doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad guy (though if he sexually assaulted someone then, yeah, he's also a bad guy), you want to be comfortable around someone you're dating - even if the nervousness was just an odd personality thing between you and him I'd say that suggests dating him would be a bad idea.

[FanndisTS]

Also, remember that you should never feel obligated to date someone, for any reason. If you do not feel 100% safe with a guy (or girl, or non-binary person) whom you are considering as a significant other, it is generally a bad idea to get involved with them -- not just this guy specifically. Relationships are about trust and making each other feel good emotionally (and, if all parties consent, physically). Safety is the first priority in looking for a partner, whether that's for the night or for the rest of your life.