Sneaking out for sex? HELP, strict parents!

[_itsmeisa]

Well here is my situation:

I am a 20 year old girl who is in a relationship of 10 months with someone I think may be “the one” in my life. I go to college and I have plenty freedom to party, have my own car and take care of my daily duties, including my internship. My parents are ok with drinking and travelling by myself. One thing they don’t approve is sex. About 3 weeks ago, I have told them I did it with my boyfriend and they judged me a lot. There were anger, slut shaming and disappointment about me… but they made me go to the obgyn and then stopped mentioning the subject.
The thing is, I am feeling completely guilty about the fact that I want to go to the motel/drive in with my boyfriend on Sunday after he comes over to lunch with me and my parents, because they are acting suspicious when we go out together. Tomorrow we’ll be going to the movies and my mom questioned me about the reason I go to the movies all the time, and told me “I am a different person when I go out” which she didn’t explained. I want to know how can we go to the motel for a few hours and keep our so adored sex life alive and healthy even with all the pressure and suspiciousness
I am planning on saying goodbye to him after the lunch, claiming he has his band’s reharsal and that I am visiting this friend of mine whose parents are divorcing to give her support… and then meet him at the motel.

Also, there is another situation: I am going to my bf’s hometown where he lives alone for a festival in 2 weeks. I will be staying at a hotel for the weekend with a friend. I am thinking about leaving my friend at the hotel alone and spending one of those nights at my bf’s place to actually sleep in his arms, which we have been wanting to do for long and never had the opportunity. The city is about 60 miles from here. I am scared to death about my parents finding it out, but I have been craving for that night since I bought the festival tickets.

Can someone evaluate the risks of each of my sneaking plans? I would also appreciate a lot if you guys could advice me on making those plans more convincitive, please. I am extremely worried/anxious and I want the best for my relationship in all of the aspects. Do you think my odds of being busted are high? I need planning and time is running out.

[Ashleah]

Hi Meisa,

I'd like to focus on other things you've said here as oppose to your risk with sneaking. In general, I do not think sneaking to do anything is a good idea unless it's for your safety. Sneaking and lying would likely put you in a position where you would have to continue to sneak and lie which ultimately is not in your best interest.

I think part of what's going on is you feeling like your parents have some say in your sexual relationships. It's true that parents and family can play a huge role in shaping our sexual values, but at some point we start exploring how we feel and what we want outside of what our parents think is best for us. I reviewed some of your previous post and it seems like you already know what you want. Your parents might feel some type of way about you having sex but really that's all it is, their feelings. Your guilt doesn't seem to have anything to do with the way that you feel about sex but the way that they see it. They are not the ones that get to make decisions about your sex life. You get to decide

Based off everything that you have said here, I can tell you are a mature adult (not a girl ) that is capable of making responsible decisions for yourself. Part of what might need to happen is you set boundaries with your parents and have a conversation with them about being the one that gets to make decisions about your relationship. Now looking at your past post, I imagine this is something that could be difficult and might not be well received but we can help you figure out what that convo might look like.

What do you think would happen if you had a convo like this with your parents?

I am assuming that you live with your parents, which understandably makes all of this very difficult. If so is there an option to move out? Maybe campus housing at your college?

I have lived with one of my parents as an adult and it can be a tricky balance of the "my house, my rules" mentality (if your parents are anything like my mom) and I am an adult who gets to make my own decisions. I can talk with you about this some as well if you like. Part of it for me was remembering that I didn't have to tell my mother everything! You are entitled to privacy.

[_itsmeisa]

Hey,thanks for replying me!

About moving, I may say that my internship don't pay me a penny. Also, I had the unluck of being born in the city everyone else moves in to study. There are a lot of good colleges in my city, and the one I attend to is 15min from my house, so I kinda have no excuses to make my parents pay rent to live at the same city as them.

I tried to talk to them about sex in the most mature way when I told them I am no longer a virgin. They kinda listened to me but stated the "my house my rules" thing. They don't approve me doing it and if they were to chose, I wouldn't be doing it until a few years in my relationship.

I guess opening up and being honest with them about wanting to sleep at my bf's would make them trace even more strict boundaries, just as they did when I told them about sex. They are suspecting about every step I make outside the house. I feel like sex is my businness and I don't need to tell them whether or when I am having it or not after I've came clean about the main issue and have gotten on birth control, did all the STD exams they wanted me to, etc.

Also, motels, at least in my country, are places people go for a few hours to have sex. It's just a escape together, no booking, no spending the night. This way, people think it's dirty and for hookers, and so do my strict, conservative and closed minded parents. They refuse to see things the way I do, because they think their truth is more valid than mine. They are not changing.

Given all of that, I don't want to talk to them about my plans. I just want to sneak responsably to avoid conflict and lost of freedom. That would kind of protect them, myself, and my relationship with my boyfriend as well, do you feel me?

Do you think my trip plan can go wrong? Like they finding it out by calling the hotel or something like that? I just want to have a nice time!

PS: I was planning on telling my parents me and my friend are going to this nationally famous club there is near my hotel, just to have an excuse for not picking up his calls or to let them know I am somewhere else that not my bf's place.

[Ashleah]

There is no way for me to know how this will turn out. But again, I'm not a fan of sneaking. I just want to reinforce that these are decisions that you get to make for yourself

As you said, the guilt is making you feel bad about decisions that are yours. What seems to be standing in the way is not can you do it (because legally you can), but the way that everyone else might be feeling about it. How your parents feel about motels, how it is perceived by others if you go to a motel, everything but what you want and how you feel.

I want to encourage you not to worry about protecting your parents feelings. I understand not wanting them to be disappointed and hurt, but this is really something they can handle. You making their feelings your responsibility might be adding to this feeling that you are or have to sneak.

Even if you live with your parents you are entitled to privacy! I think that definitely extends to plans you have with travel and what you do with your day to day, especially outside of their house. Do you have to tell them every detail of your trip? No. That's not something you have to feel guilty about either

I'm not sure if anyone has given you this link but check it out. It's a really great piece of someone looking for advice who is in a similar situation. It really boils down to feeling comfortable asserting your independence and feeling confident in knowing that you get to make decisions about your sexuality.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... l_controls

After you read it, do you mind checking back in to see how much of it relates and if you feel these are things that you could do?

[_itsmeisa]

That's a nice article. It seems really wise and stuff, claiming for my freedom and all, but things are different in the real life, when you have parents that pay for your living and could cut it all in a matter of a second if I disobey them.
You see, I don't really want to create conflit right now. What I actually need is really someone to help me sneak, no offense to your help. I just think creating conflict and going against them would be a bad idea for the moment, because they are still processing the fact that I have sex. It's my privacy, after all, I just don't want them to know I am spending the night with my boyfriend.

Me and him went out last night and it was amazing, I really felt happy and we got sexy time in his car. Unfortunately, that's the only option left... when I arrived home, my parents were kinda distant from me and not talking much.. they didn't even asked about my night or the movie we saw. I felt like the fact that I had sex was stamped in my face, and now I am feeling guilty again. It can be my own head tricking me, though, because I did ask them if it was something wrong and they said it was ok.

I want to know the possibilities of going to his place during my trip. Like, what to say to them if they call my phone, etc.

[Heather]

The thing is, we really can't help someone be deceptive, especially since we know all too well how that tends to go when that is discovered. We also know as sex educators that deception in the mix tends to make it less likely for people to have sexual lives they feel good about, rather than more, and it's our job to do all we can to help people create and sustain sexual lives that they feel good about. Too, teaching deception is just outside our sore values as an organization. The only place we feel it's sound to do that is in education and help for someone leaving an abusive relationship or situation, so that they can safely get themselves out of there: sometimes in those situations, deception -- like not sharing plans about leaving, or getting a new job or place to live on the sly -- is needed to assure someone's physical safety.

Too, you've voiced a desire to have your relationship with your parents have less conflict in it, long term, and sneaking around is counter to that: it makes it pretty likely there will only be more. Additionally, we have to be observant about what you say about how you're feeling and make that a big part of the advice and information we give. You've been pretty clear that dishonesty with your parents causes you a great deal of guilt.

In order to do our jobs responsibly and well here, we have to stick to advice we know and feel is the most sound. And truthfully, it sounds like starting to make plans to live independently, and move outside financial dependence on your parents -- and I promise you, that's not pie-in-the-sky, it's something totally doable -- is the better way to go here. That IS real life: it's not like people moving away from home without financial support -- including the majority of folks in the world whose parents had little of it to give in the first place -- or with less of it is a fantasy. Same goes for separating from parents as adults, period. It's been the reality of an awful lot of people, if not most people, through all of history. Being cut off from even support for the most basic necessities of life was part of my personal reality while I was still in my teens, so trust me, I am not clueless about the realities and possibilities when it comes to this stuff.

That all said, you choosing to have privacy doesn't have to be sneaking. They aren't the same things, and as we have already talked about, your family clearly needs some more healthy boundaries in it, in a big way.

In other words, you get to have privacy, and that's not counter to a good relationship with parents; quite the opposite.

"I'm going out with my boyfriend," truly is all the information you need to be giving them, not details about any sex you engaged in when that is part of your time out. If when you get home, they ask what you did, saying "We went to a movie, then we just hung out," is more than enough information between parents and an adult child, unless you WANT to share other information with them. If you want to go see him on your trip, go see him on your trip. If they call the hotel when you're out, all your friend needs to say is that you're out and can she take a message, which is what any adult would say when someone calls someplace for another adult who isn't there.

Again, that's not sneaking, that's a healthy separation between an adult and their parents, where what you are doing every minute of your day just isn't information they should be seeking out in the first place, and that you certainly do not have to give them, okay? If they ask for more detail than that, you find a calm, mellow way of just saying that when you're out with friends or a boyfriend, you need them to give you some room to have those experiences for yourself, by yourself.

I truly think that in the interim, before you want to work on moving into a financially independent life (and given how unhappy you are, why not at least start making plans and taking some steps so that you CAN eventually separate in this way?), creating boundaries like this is going to serve you. Having and holding those kinds of boundaries -- again, this needn't be full of conflict or drama, and you just keeping it all calm and clear is probably the biggest factor in doing that -- is one of the things that shows parents you're not a child anymore, and that they need to start treating you like an adult.

[Keda]

You mentioned being afraid that your parents will cut off your financial support if they know you're having sex with your boyfriend. I just wanted to ask: do you think that's a realistic fear? Are they likely, without any discussion or negotiation, to kick you out or stop paying your college fees over this?

I ask because I know that it's easy to think like that when you feel beholden to your parents, especially if you, like me, feel a bit guilty about relying on them in that way. But the chances are that you made quite a few decisions they didn't like when you were a teenager, and as far as I've seen from your posts, they didn't stop supporting you then - which makes me wonder why you think they might now?

[Heather]

(By the way, happy, happy birthday to you today, itsmeisa!)

[_itsmeisa]

First of all, thanks for the birthday wishes! I am happily 20 now, not a child anymore, and I hope I can conquer my place as an adult in this house. I am confident about the changes, btw.

Now that it was mentioned, I really see my fear of being financially supported as too much. What would definetely happen would be the trust broken which leads to more control, more strict boundaries and more mocking, leading me to unhappinnes and guilt. There would be a huge fight in which I would get hurt and emotionally abused like I was on the day I told them about being sexually active.

Heather, I agree on your point on being financially independent. I have been sending applications and doing job interviews this past week. I can suggest we have a cultural gap here, though. Seems to me that people on the states leave the parents' house much earlier than brazilians. People here use to leave then they marry, because rent is very expensive and the living is undoable for a non graduted job. It takes years for us to have a stable job who pays well enough for that. I also think that my parents would be upset if I left. Like, very upset. I had mentioned the desire to leave before and all I heard was that I was being ungrateful for all that they do, that I don't like them enough and that I have always been treated great here in terms of love, care and money.
That's something ai really need to think about carefully.

I may also say that despite agreeing with the part that I should face my problems instead of running away, I am a bit confused about what you're trying to advise me. You tell me not to sneak and tell me that's not a policy you stand for, but then tell me to go for it if it's what I want and not to tell my parents because it's my privacy. I don't know what is the line between privacy and being a liar.

If that helps (or probably worsen my condition as a heartless liar), I told my parents I would be going out to a club on that given night, so they will know that I am not being with my boyfriend + I won't have to pick up my phone nor the hotel because I will be off and there will be "loud music" just in case they call me.

I am not sure what to do!

[Heather]

If it helps, I'd say sneaking involves deception -- like saying you are somewhere you are not -- rather than asking for privacy, which means choosing not to share everything, and being clear you're choosing not to share everything. Does that make any more sense? Ultimately, sneaking around is making up another story altogether and offering it up, whereas asking your privacy be respected and keeping some things private is simply refusing to answer certain questions, or answering them with a "that's private."

Does that make more sense?

If not, let's try this on: Let's say that you are my employer, and I'm queer and don't feel safe yet in you knowing that. Asking for privacy would be answering any questions around that with something like, "Respectfully, my orientation is something I want to keep private at work." A deception would be me saying I was straight, OMG SOOOO straight! The former holds a boundary and asks for respect of it, the latter lets there not only continue to be no boundaries there, it is also dishonest.

For sure, too, culturally, this isn't all the same, but class differences are often at play, too, no matter the culture. Like I said, for plenty of people in the world, living with parents who pay the bills isn't even an option, and for those who live with parents into adulthood in that situation, the adult children are contributing to the household with work and income, rather than being financially dependent on parents (and that often is a much more liveable situation because contributing tends to buy some equity and puts that person in the role of an adult in many families, rather than a still-dependent child). You're not in that position, because you live with parents who it seems can afford to financially support you still, but that also gets to be your choice, and it isn't like a lot of people -- if not most -- when we forge out on our own don't or haven't done so working menial jobs and living with roommates. So, you have options, it's just about which options you want to choose here, which may indeed involve giving up some things (albeit different things) whichever choice you make.

It seems clear to me that your parents are pretty dedicated to being upset with you no matter what you really do here, unless what you do is exactly what they want. That stinks for you, but you know, it is something they will probably outgrow so long as you simply keep making your own choices, and they have more time and space to accept that you're an adult who is going to be living more and more like one. Being considerate of people's feelings is one thing, but not making the choices you want because of fears of verbal or emotional abuse, or guilt and shame isn't that. You can make the choices that are in alignment with who you are -- not who they are, they have their own lives to make their own choices with for that -- and unless you're cruel or unkind in the way you go about that, which I doubt you would be, that's not about hurting them.

It's about you growing, as you're supposed to, and them having to get on board and do whatever they need to to grow themselves to get there, too.

[_itsmeisa]

"It seems clear to me that your parents are pretty dedicated to being upset with you no matter what you really do here, unless what you do is exactly what they want." = our relationship in a nutshell.

I got it now. But even if I hadn't tell them I am going to a club, they would think I am gonna be at the hotel by defaut, or some other place not involving my bf (they know he works all day and studies at night there, which he will be skipping to stay with me) because that's where I am supposed to be, right? That was the deal when I booked the hotel, etc. I have deceptioned them already, what is said is said. I will just not mention anything anymore and go for it anyways. They will probably not call me anyways because of the intermunicipal taxes, just text me.