How to be less obsessive over a recent ex...?

[littlerelaxbear]

Contemplated updating my original thread - http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=1449 but perhaps others might find some value if I created a more relevant subject line...

Some time has passed and my boyfriend (or I suppose, now ex-) has moved out of the continent. It's been literally just over a week since we said our tearful 'goodbyes for now' at the airport. That's right... He was crying as well. When he landed and settled down at his place, he sent a flurry of messages to me that really made me happy over that weekend.

From "I've been missing you a lot" to "I miss you" again the next day... to telling me he was crying at the security checkpoint and he set up the gift and our photo next to his bed... "you were the best that has ever happened to me"; "what we have isn't forgotten"... "stay strong and stay positive"; "I just need us to focus on ourselves (careers) right now." ...

Over the week, things became more distant and there were a couple days where we didn't text at all. Understandable, as he is still sorting things out there, still using phone cards... I also tried to keep a distance despite really beginning to miss him a lot. It was hard, because we had communicated literally everyday for the past 2.5 years... He was my best friend and my rock.

Here's where I start to get a bit crazy. I have deduced that since Friday that's he's already been going on dates (maybe 2, second one having occurred last night). It's not fact... But I think the clues are telling enough. A week!

I checked out his physical location (via a friends tracking app that we have each other on) and saw that he was at a couple city landmarks. Didn't think too much of it. But out of curiosity, I logged into his image-sharing social networking account (he isn't active... but yes, he had been open with his passwords with me) to see this girl's private feed. They had previously met months ago while on vacation at an industry dinner with family (in his current city). I think she showed some interest and he also felt she was attractive and they chatted a bit but he was committed to me (and had no job offer made to him yet there) so didn't think to consider further.

I saw that she had been running at a landmark which -I think- I saw he was at at some point, and in the description it was noted that it was a 'running date' - though not indicated who it was with. I thought well, maybe it was a coincidence - I couldn't really remember around what time he was there but I knew she was there Friday evening.

After a couple days of silence and my message not getting delivered, I finally message him via a social networking site asking how he was and mentioned my message was oddly not going though.

He finally reaches me from a phone card number, apologizes for the MIA and we text for quite awhile and then jump on a call when he's home... We end up talking for over an hour. It was casual though we talked mostly about more serious subjects (i.e. our relationship, dating... how he's feeling in that regard). He tells me he's going for dinner (which I feel is a date), that he'll try to call me over the next few days... and I can text him about any other things that have been on my mind.

Out of curiosity again, seeing that her image count upload had increased, I log into the image social app again, and the new photo is of her, just casually holding some fruit (so no mystery person revealed) but she is having a #spontaneous #midnightpicnic after a 10k run (note: previous photo)...

This was the most telling clue so far... As I think he was definitely at this park and the picnic is very much like a date he had taken me on early in our relationship (though I think mine was much more extravagant...)

I am stunned and confused. I feel incredibly immature, insecure and obsessive for doing of all of this. I recognize that and the fact that I am wasting so much time and energy - I don't want myself to stoop any lower. It's been so challenging because I am getting no closure...

There is no definitive 'NO' to the relationship (he wants to see what else is out there... quite literally), he admits to still loving me... We didn't have major problems and got along very well (I felt he was 'the one' - even though that doesn't really exist.). We are very far apart at the moment but I may go there in several months... And he's still being, what I think is incredibly attentive (for someone who is no longer my boyfriend) in the sense that anytime I tell him there's something on my mind, he'll ask and we'll talk about it. I guess he knows this was all caused by him too. But he isn't impatient about it... He's still being so caring.

Anyhow, It is too much, too soon.

I feel like I really need to talk to someone in-person... Before I make plans to move to his city (which I had interest in for personal reasons other than this too) I don't want to burden some of my friends too much and I'd like a more objective opinion. Any suggestions on how to secure a relationship counsellor (or something of the like)?

[Ashleah]

The end of a relationship is tough! And given the length of your relationship, this is something you have been dealing with for a relatively short amount of time. It's even more complicated because you two have not taken any time apart and are engaging in behaviors that were part of your romantic relationship. I bet this is making things confusing!!!

Since the two of you are not together, it might be helpful to start by looking at this as a break up so that you can focus on moving forward instead of focusing on "what if?" As hard as it is, the reality is that "what if" may not happen, and if that is the case, feeling the way you currently do until you find that out is not healthy. What was also made clear is that he plans to date other people. That is not to say you aren't allowed to feel hurt, upset, sad, or however else you might feel, but as you said, feeling like you need closure is making things difficult for you. YOU can decide if you want to be done with this relationship as it currently stands.

Are you interested in more support about dealing with a break up and addressing your feelings moving forward? That is something that we can talk through with you. Just expressing your feelings and talking it through like you have started to do here is something that can help.

I do want to give you some advice for the immediate future though. In your last thread, it was recommended that you give yourself some time and space. I want to echo that because it is the best way for to start to move forward. Even though you all are not physically together does not mean that you have space. Not communicating for a while might be what is best for you so that you can focus on yourself and also get some clarity about the situation. I'd also suggest you hold off on any plans to move until you have more time to sort out your feelings.

I know you said you feel like you are burdening your friends, but having a support system and using it can do wonders! You say that you still call your ex to discuss your feelings, is there anyone else in your life now that you feel comfortable doing this with instead? Keeping things the same or even somewhat the same as they were in your relationship makes it harder.

You've already know that checking up on him and making assumptions is not allowing you to move forward and is making you feel pretty bad about yourself Even if you two were in a relationship, this is an extremely unhealthy behavior that easily turns into a habit that identifies there are issues with trust.

I recognize that stopping this behavior is easier said than done, so here are a few suggestions that might help:

-If you get the urge to check his accounts, stop using whatever device you are on and start a new activity that will distract you. What are some things that you enjoy doing? Cooking, running, reading, maybe journal or write down what you are feeling in the moment instead of acting on the urge.
-Get an accountability buddy. Someone that you trust and will not be judgmental that you can call when you want to check up on your ex.
-Unfriend or unfollow him on social media sites including the friend tracking app.
-Clear your browser history and cookie data so you no longer have access to your ex's passwords. If you have them memorized ask him to change the passwords so you no longer have access to them.

Do these seem like things that you can start doing?

Since you mentioned being interested in counseling If you are insured I would recommend that you 1st check with your the company providing coverage to see what is covered and who is in your network. Sometimes a number of sessions are covered for free! If not, we can try and help locate someone in your area.

[littlerelaxbear]

Hi Ashleah, thank you so much for you response. It has really helped make me feel better. I will definitely begin taking steps to creating some distance for myself, starting with your list of suggestions.

It's interesting, I'm always the kind of person who wants to be "in the know" about everything (knowledge = power kind of thing) but I surprisingly (or not so?), just choosing to not know has really made me a little happier already... It's tough because it needs a bit of behavioural change on my part. Any suggestions?

I don't think it's even as much as the fact that he is going on dates already (assumption) that upsets me, but the fact that if it is with this person, then they must have needed to begin cultivating something prior to him leaving... While he was still with me. And I don't see why he has to lie to me... Says he has been very focused on preparing for work and has not told anyone he's there. He has a pretty good track record with not lying, I could be jumping the gun but anyway I guess I shouldn't be caring... But it kind of has an effect on whether I want to be friends.

I guess the next major step really is to get out of the mindset of 'what if'. To be honest, I think I have been able to move on somewhat... But whenever I think of 'what if' (or whenever he had messaged me telling me he missed me, but still wants to see what else is out there), I still got a lot of comforting feelings out of it... I guess it is a trade-off isn't it?

I'm interested in talking... How can we go about doing this? I see that there is a live chat actually...

I don't believe my work coverage covers counselling... Can I private message someone with my city to see what availabilities are known of in the area? Many thanks!

[Keda]

Another option to make it easier on you might be to block him on social media, so you can't spend ages watching his every move. You'd probably want to message him first telling him why you're doing it, so he doesn't panic thinking he's mortally offended you

I don't think it's necessarily true that he must have had "something" with the girl he's going on dates with before - after all, dating is often a way of figuring out whether or not "something" could develop. But also, I think with some time and distance, you'll increasingly feel like it doesn't really matter. One of the signs of having moved on from a relationship, for me, is that I still may not like the way my partner acted towards me (the feeling is probably mutual), but I feel like it's in the past and I have better things to think about now.

[Ashleah]

Hey!

Yes chat is a service that you can utilize but should not, and can not, be used in place of any mental health services.

Check out the Help Near You section first and let me know if you have any issues locating services.

Honestly, I think it will be very difficult for you to process your feelings and not wonder about what he has going on if you all are still in contact with one another. Especially, since the things he is saying to you are reinforcing the "what if." Some true time and space can be helpful. And after that you can decide if you want to continue your friendship.

I think this article would be helpful for you. It focuses on dealing with a break up. Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

After you read it could you check back in? That way we can discuss which pieces apply to you or if you feel that you are struggling with any of it and need help putting in place a plan.

[littlerelaxbear]

Thank you so much both for the feedback and the article. I only wish I had read this years ago...

The parts that especially resonated with me were the ones regarding 'rejection' (definitely still feel rejected but less like 'the rejected'), having 'wasted time', and 'getting serious' before getting to know each other well enough... which was I think the unfortunate case for us. It didn't feel like we were moving too fast at the time though, and I think we both looked fondly on it and saw it as a positive thing re: compatibility (but is it really??). I am making a mental note now...

I hate to say it, but... I have been still checking out the pictures she's been posting (he himself is not active on social media actually). I KNOW I really should stop asap... Even friends are suggesting, despite understanding the whole 'obsession' phase. I know it's not possible to get back with him at this moment (not sure if I even want to).

That being said, the part where we should be able to express our true feelings - this is what I am struggling with at the moment. I think I want to move on and will be ready to do so soon but I am kind of angry (feeling betrayed by finding out he is dating someone new already... and judging by the pictures he takes of her, I think it will get serious soon), and I want to confront him with some questions.

Rather than passively just getting half the story from her lens, I almost just want to ask if the trip was actually a group one with family friends like he said or just one-on-one with her, which i'd be STUNNED... and it would mean they had definitely cultivated something prior. I thought we moved fast but that is really fast.

And depending on the answer, I would then decide if we could be friends...

But what's holding me back is if I do get validation that it was just a group trip (and she was obviously just showing the time they spent together), I don't want him to think of me as some crazy obsessive person... And then botch our chances of being friends. I don't know what to do... I feel like if I don't ask it's going to eat at me.

[Heather]

I think a good way of knowing when we are really ready to be platonic friends with an ex is when we can accept that they may be or are dating others, period. If you're not ready to deal with that and be okay with it -- and obviously, you're not -- then it seems to me you still need more time and space separate from this person before you figure out if you want to be and can be friends.

Truly, I think you want to see what you can do here so that you can really get time and space to deal and process the breakup, which you're not really going to be getting when your focus is on sleuthing about his life and what he is doing rather than focusing on yourself and what you're feeling. That's ground zero as far as starting to move forward goes, and it sounds like you're not at all there yet. In other words, I'd question you being ready to move on when it seems like you're struggling with even the pre-requisites for getting started on that.

What kind of help do you think you need to do that -- to just be with yourself in this, focusing on your own thoughts and feelings, in your own life, separating from his -- which includes quitting it with the FB checking?

[littlerelaxbear]

Hi Heather, you're right... I guess I am not ready to move on yet, even though I say I want to be able to...

For myself, I think I just need to have one last conversation with him... And find out if he had planned this trip with only her. I'd probably just tell him I was shocked but it makes sense for him to date because that was what he wanted.

And then after that I will cease messaging/checking up on him. I don't really know what I'm feeling... a whole range of emotions I guess. Betrayed, worthless, unattractive, upset, forlorn... But I do have some clarity in the situation. It's really been affecting other aspects of my life (work, etc.) It's so hard thinking that I lost a guy that was so incredibly attractive (to me), caring and so sweet... But there were also difficulties and when I think of those, the thought of moving on is easier...

I understand in this situation that even though within the first two days of his move, he was still sending me messages saying he missed me, I suppose by day 3 he had probably felt it was time to move forward as intended, being the instigator to all of this. But it was incredibly misleading for me. Maybe I just need to remember that emotions are not static...

[Heather]

Well, we can want to be able to move on and still not be ready. And that's okay: this is super-fresh, so being able to move forward already would be something of a miracle.

Can I ask why you feel like it would benefit you to talk to him about the dating relationships, if they are that, he is moving forward into himself, especially since it sounds like he was pretty clear that's what he wanted to do from the start? How do you see a conversation like this supporting you in separating from him, rather than keeping you attached?

I think it can also help to remember that a lot of the time, with breakups, by the time a breakup happens, one or more people involved are often already very done with the relationship, and may even have done their processing of the breakup in advance. That's often what is going on -- when it's not rebounding, which is also something people often do -- when one person seems to jet right into new things. So, for you, the schedule may be that it was fast from breakup to dating for him, but for him, it may be he has been ready to move into something else for a while (which seems pretty likely, given it's been almost two months since he first brought this to you), well before the breakup.

[littlerelaxbear]

Hmm... I guess having the conversation / finding out the truth is serving an ego need, and almost unrelated to our relationship history itself.

I feel like I need to find out if he 'wronged' me in any way, and if so, then I would never keep in touch with someone who lied to me like this. I suppose I am just scrambling for a reason to give myself space (as I am having trouble doing that)... It's hard. I still miss him, not even just as a boyfriend but as a person... that I saw so often and did so much with for the past 2.5 years. I hate to admit it, but I was starting to get dependent on him...

He is a good person though, and it would be nice to have him in my life. Given how we entered a serious relationship so quickly, we had hardly spent any time being 'just friends' since meeting him for the first time. I'm not even sure what it's like to be 'just friends' with him as a female. What I really loved was his attention and affection - things I clearly can't have anymore.

I understand that his heart was already moving away from our relationship months ago... I suppose I'm luckier than a lot of people already - got a couple months 'grace period' where we just enjoyed the time we had left... He talked through with me all the questions that I had... Even after he left. But what is toughest is I still felt like he lead me on, he says he still really cares about me... For some reason I can't wrap my head around this.

I kind of regret starting to look at the photos at all... Otherwise I wouldn't have deduced that they were seeing each other at all... But then on the flip side, I feel like they've also allowed me to realize that I should really be giving him (and myself) the space now.

[Heather]

I absolutely understand.

How about chopping this into smaller, more manageable chunks for now? Like, how about committing that for just the next two days, you're going to stay away from social media related at all to your ex, and focus on yourself, and your own life, rather than his?

[littlerelaxbear]

Indeed... I have not checked recently however this morning I noticed (from my own account) that he unfollowed me on the image-sharing app, which was a bit depressing. Probably because I still had our photo as the profile image... And she could likely see that. So it's clear to me that he now cares more about how she feels than me. He didn't un-friend me on any other accounts though.

I was doing kinda better but this 'confirmation' really took me by surprise. I think it's really hitting me now... That he's gone and I need to move on.

It's upsetting to see that she seems to be a much better match - I know nothing about her personality but they have more in common than he and I did...

The hardest bit is knowing that I wanted to pursue some of his hobbies at some point but just hadn't gotten around to it - I was definitely interested but it just wasn't at the top of my to-do list. If only I had done it sooner... Maybe it wouldn't have turned out this way.

It makes me wonder, people pursuing new things (given they aren't very opposed) or 'change themselves' to be a better fit for their partner - is this healthy? If they feel it is worth it and might grow to enjoy it? I have some bad habits that my ex was not so fond of (and he was the opposite - none of these issues)... that obviously would be to my benefit to improve on but should it have been more right for him to be selectively accepting of these things instead?

[Kaizen]

I want to give you a shout-out for not checking on him! That I'm sorry news had to barge into your life instead.

I know this is hard to accept emotionally, but you want to try to get your head around it logically: how good a match he and she are is not a referendum on your worth, personality, behavior, etc. If he and she are a better fit as a couple, that is fine; you are still an awesome person in your own regard. I wouldn't eat watermelon and cheese together, but that doesn't mean I don't love cheese by itself!

As for "changing yourself" for your partner... That depends on what you're changing or doing, what the real reason is, and how much you feel you're making the decision vs. them making the decision. The way you phrased it-- to "be a better fit" for their partner-- and you feeling that you should have prioritized things that weren't your priority in order to keep him interested? I'd say that's a not-so-healthy outlook or reason to change. If someone's interests genuinely interest you, or you want to improve something in yourself because you admire it in them or they've suggested it and you agree, that's one thing. Feeling like they won't accept you or will leave you if you don't change? Not a good reason to change, nor a good sign about them.

(I would write more but I've got to get to class. I'm sure Heather will have great things to say! )

[Sam W]

Hi littlerelaxbear,

All of those painful emotions you're feeling right now are normal things to feel when a break-up is still raw. That doesn't make them suck less, but it can help to know that other folks have felt them before you and come out okay in the end, and that it won't feel like this forever.

I want to touch on your question about changing to be a better fit with your partner. The way I always think about it is that a good partner (or a good friend, really) encourages us to be the best version of ourselves. That doesn't mean they change us into some ideal human, it just means that being with them brings out the qualities we like and value in ourselves (this usually happens because we see what qualities other people value, and if we want those people to like us, we try to emphasize those qualities in ourselves). But it's often not a good pattern when someone feels as though they have to change multiple things about themselves to fit with a partner. That usually means that they don't feel super confident or comfortable with who they are, and sometimes it means that the partner is trying to mold them into the "perfect" partner for them instead of loving the person in front of them.

With hobbies, I think trying a new hobby or activity in order to bond with your partner can be fun and healthy. Plus, it can be fun for them to share a thing they love with you. But, I don't think you're obligated to do it, and no shared hobbies is not a death knell for relationships. And, it's sound not to have total overlap of hobbies with your partner, because it gives you both space to be your own person.

[littlerelaxbear]

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has replied - I truly appreciate your time and effort - the feedback has really helped pick me up when I was feeling incredibly down over the weekend.

Looking back, he had always encouraged me to be the best version of myself and even tried to help me get there. I had a lot of bad habits (still do) and as I'm sure everyone knows, everyone wants to change but sometimes it is still a struggle. So I did feel there was pressure and and that he was trying to mold me into a perfect person (he is a perfectionist), even though he did it with good intentions where I would ultimately benefit...

He had never forced me to take on his hobbies, but he did introduce them. I agree - I don't think having no shared hobbies is a death knell for relationships - we were like this for majority of our relationship... We had several common sub-interests, but we mostly just enjoyed spending time in each others' company.

In retrospect though, I think having just one would greatly strengthen the relationship... You can never know when people may change their mindsets. He had always been vocal saying that he preferred we didn't share activities because he could do his thing and have alone time / with his friends, and I could do mine (which I need, being more introverted). But towards the end, he mentioned that it would've been great to have someone do 'x' hobby with him as a couple... I think if he had said that sooner, maybe I would've taken more initiative... Sigh.

The trouble is, I find I don't share many common interests with men and it this point now with my ex pretty much out of my life, I don't have any close male friends that I keep in touch with.

That being said, it's segway-ing into the new subject that's been on my mind as of late: How to be friends with your ex.

I know the first rule of thumb is that for it to be platonic, it's important to take a nice long time away from one another... Something I guess we haven't been doing as of yet seeing that we have communicated since he returned from his trip. I wanted him to send me the photos from some of our old trips that he still owed me.

I think when we broke up, he definitely wanted to leave things on a good note (the whole, we might date again deal perhaps), but we didn't have an explicit talk about how we'd be friends - neither of us really know how as both of us dislike our previous exes. Sadly, sometimes I feel like I'm not sure we can, given our relationship was based so much on emotional connection / getting along very well... And neither of us have close friends of the opposite sex.

The messages / tone, makes him seem like he wants to be evasive. I've spent some time thinking logically about our compatibility as partners given who we are today, and at this point, I don't even think I would want a relationship with him even if the opportunity presented itself. So I feel like I can start moving towards platonic... Slowly... But I'm trying to understand where he is at.

I sort of am having trouble understanding why the person who did the breaking up doesn't even want to remain friends? After being in an intimate relationship for over 2 years? I guess it did hurt him as well and it was a hard decision, but you'd think that I would be more evasive... I feel like it's so selfish. We break up when you want to break up and we be friends only when you want to be... What about how I feel? But it's true that there's no point forcing it if one person doesn't want to do it.

He's just been a little misleading... Mentioning some things, but when I ask about it (to make a conversation), he doesn't respond to that and goes off on a different tangent... It's like, if you don't want me to ask, why mention it?

This is all so confusing... I think I need some help analyzing some human nature...

[Heather]

It is sounding to me like you are still very much putting a lot of your time and energy into this relationship. And that's just not going to be at all likely to be a way that helps you move forward. It's far more likely to just keep you stuck in the same place, so it's certainly not something I'm comfortable enabling.

Can I check in with you again about something I suggested last time I responded to you?

How about chopping this into smaller, more manageable chunks for now? Like, how about committing that for just the next two days, you're going to stay away from social media related at all to your ex, and focus on yourself, and your own life, rather than his?

And I'd add to that that you aim to do that in every way, not just with social media. So, for instance, that'd mean reminding yourself, when your head goes to the place of trying to figure him out again, that you're not doing that right now, because your focus now needs to be on YOU.