I hate my boyfriend's dad. What do I do?

[schulzy]

My boyfriend's dad is a hothead and treats him and I very disrespectfully. It's usually behind my back though, which is even more irritating. He's called me a "dumb *****" and refers to me as "your wh*re" while talking to my boyfriend about me. He also tells my boyfriend he needs to get a "prettier" girlfriend (he is the omly person who has ever complained about my looks, and he's not even the one dating me.) My boyfriend is so sick of getting **** from his dad, and I feel so horribly that he has to go through this, that we almost ended our two year relationship over it. Obviously that would be a stupid reason to break up, so we didn't, but I still feel really horrible and I don't know what to do. I'm polite, well mannered, put together, and a straight A student at an advanced career academy. I've been nothing but sweet. You'd think it would be every parent's wish for their son to have a girlfriend like me. Please help, what should I do?

[Heather]

Am I getting it right that your boyfriend's father is a verbally abusive person?

[schulzy]

Am I getting it right that your boyfriend's father is a verbally abusive person?

I'm not even quite sure. He's not like this to my face but I over hear it a lot. It's hurtful considering how good I am to him, his family, and ESPECIALLY his son.

[Heather]

Is that something you could ask your boyfriend? I ask because it matters, a lot.

[schulzy]

Of course, I can ask him anything. I don't THINK his dad is abusive towards him.

[Heather]

Well, you are describing some emoional and verbal abuses right here: his father berating you to your boyfriend, someone he knows he values a lot, so he knows that will hurt. As well, doing things to try and destroy or degrade your boyfriend's other relationships is also an abuse dynamic.

I am asking because while I get that, for you, this is primarily about you, and of course what your boyfriend is telling you he has said about you hurts you, I suspect, given this is only being aimed directly at your boyfriend, it is probably really about their relationship, and this probably is not the first time or way his father has been like this with him, it is just his weapon of choice right now (or perhaps not the only one).

And your partner's parent not liking you, and your partner's parent being abusive to them, are pretty different things, the latter being si ething much bigger that likely is not about that parent liking you or not, if you follow me.